Residency Roundup: The Good

Its easy to dwell on the negatives of residency. Many, many posts focus on the (understandably)hard and long parts of training. I thought it would be refreshing to share some positives I have found through the last 3.5 years.

My Five Favorite things about Residency.
1. No administrative stuff!- We are not responsible for any staffing, billing, RVUs, contract responsibilities, office maintenance, advertisement of practice...

2. Time off does not mean less pay- We just returned from a 5 day family trip and didn't have to think about making up the time or finding coverage over the practice.

3. Attitude toward our finances- I appreciate that during residency other people I meet don't have falsely high expectations of my lifestyle.  A huge home, a German made car, perfect skin care, kids in coordinated outfits, magazine worthy home decor and many other ideas I have overheard that a 'doctors family' is assumed to have.  While each of those items are a great/fun thing to have, I relish the time in residency where none of those expectations exist.  

4. Benefits- Our program has amazing Medical, Dental, and Vision coverage.  We paid nothing for our third child's birth!

5. Co-residents = instant friends- We feel extremely lucky to have matched with another family very similar to ours.  They know exactly what we are going through because they are the only ones in the same program!  Rarely in life are you 'matched' with someone so closely. 

We all have difficult times!  We survive.  We move on.  But, as we move on, we all need to remember that life currently has great stuff happening:) 

:)Cami

p.s. What are your favorite things about residency??

Med School Madness

Excuse me, I was told we would have time for all of this.

Time is an odd thing.  As a wise LDW wife said long ago 'the time goes fast but somedays are long'.  When I first heard that little bit of wisdom, my husband had just started MS and I thought my days were a bit on the long side. I was not a huge fan of those days and hoped this whole thing would just go by as fast as possible.  Fast forward to a couple years later and now my husband needs to figure out the whole match process.  Today, he finalized his fourth year schedule  and that took a huge load off our shoulders.  He also narrowed down the list of programs he would like to be a part of one day and hopefully match in one of them.   It was a pretty big deal and we are happy to be done with all of that.  BUT,  before all that happened, I was asked this morning if we had all the details for next year set and of course I thought, 'not really but we have time'.  Turns out, WE HAD time.  We now had deadlines looming super close and we needed to get our stuff together.  Time is up, turn in your stuff! That line keeps running through my head as the day comes to a close.  Time is definitely up for some stuff and I'm still asking 'where did the time go? I though we had like six more months, no? Darn.

Seriously, what happened. Last I checked, he started med school and we had a huge move.  We settled then moved again and  'mother of pearl' as my six year old says (don't judge), we started checking out new towns today.  It just keeps on happening! Time keeps on moving.  I was reminded  that my while my husband has been in medical school my son kept growing, our marriage continued to have anniversaries and our parents got older.  I'm a little sad we haven't enjoyed all things but I am so thankful for the things we made time to enjoy.   I'm glad my husband 'wasted' some study time with us.  I'm really glad we grabbed a date whenever we had a chance, even if it was just a quick walk together.  I will forever be thankful we called grandma B one too many times when we lived away from her.  Heck, I'm glad I enjoyed KC's bbq often and I'm definitely glad I visited a certain museum until my little heart was content.  My point is this, live life and don't put stuff on hold.  Since time keeps ongoing, make sure you keep going too.

I share all these things hoping someone is encouraged.  Not encouraged because we got some stuff done today, who cares about us but encouraged that we felt like we needed more time.  I hope this reminds someone whose days are LONG to hang in there because these days are not permanent.  Neither good or bad days are here to stay, they all come to an end.  So, no matter where you are in the journey I hope you were reminded to just keep on going, whatever light you are looking for will come soon enough, sometimes sooner than you'd like!

Carpe diem or something like it!

Judith

PS- join the LDW Facebook page, these ladies are awesome and chances are that if you need a girlfriend who gets it, you'll find a few girls who get it.  Local meet ups are happening all the time.  Can't wait to meet you!


PPS
"When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch." Unknown

Residency Roundup: Duty Hours

I have noticed several reoccurring questions on our LDW facebook group about residency!  LDWblog is a perfect platform to provide answers that will be helpful to current and future resident wives. 

This week there was some questions/concerns about residency work hours and restrictions.  While I'm sure there are differences between how each specialty applies the rules, I wanted to post and dissect the real ACGME 2011 regulations for your guidance and information.
http://www.acgme.org/acgmeweb/Portals/0/PDFs/dh-ComparisonTable2003v2011.pdf

Here are my 'favorites':

-Duty hours must be limited to 80 hours per week, averaged over a four-week period, inclusive of all in-house call activities and all moonlighting.   http://www.acgme.org/acgmeweb/Portals/0/PDFs/dh-faqs2011.pdf  for more information in their FAQs.  You get desensitized to the 80 hour weeks!  Its the weeks that push that four week average up that are brutal.  I overheard someone who works for the state department, joyously talking about how much overtime pay they received for working only 52 hours...wouldn't that be something!  The second link to the FAQs has some great followup examples and explanations.  I personally did not expect all the Journal Club, Dissection Lab, Tumor Board type meetings that keep DrH away from home that is not added into the '80-hour work week'. 

-A Review committee may grant exceptions for up to 10% or a maximum of 88 hours to individual programs based on a sound educational rationale. So what programs cannot justify the 88 hours? Although they are suppose to get permission first;)  I know of a program (not ours, I promise) that keeps to the 80 hr average but has 'volunteer shifts' that put the intern hours way above regulations.  

-Residents must be scheduled for a minimum of one day free of duty every week (when averaged over four weeks).  At-home call cannot be assigned on these free days.  Four a month.  Are weekends really two days long??

- Duty periods of PGY1 residents must not exceed 16 hours in duration.  Seemed like a good idea.  But it makes the other PGY years make up for the hours.  PGY2 was not awesome.

-Duty periods of PGY2 residents and above may be scheduled to a maximum of 24 hours of continuous duty in the hospital.  Programs must encourage residents to use alertness management strategies in the context of patient care responsibilities.  Strategic napping, especially after 16 hours of continuous duty and between the hours of 10:00pm and 8:00 am in strongly suggested.  I find this standard a tad humorous... strategic napping...where and when does that fit in? At the computer? On an extra gurney? Haha...who likes to nap when your ridiculously loud pager can and will go off at any minute? 

- It is essential for patient safety and resident education that effective transitions in care occur.  Residents may be allowed to remain on-site in order to accomplish these tasks; however, this period of time must be no longer than an additional four hours.  This is a huge one!  Although, it covers practically any variable that could keep DrH at the hospital, it defines what their real job is: patient care and learning.  They cannot leave after stitching up half an ear, or ditch the last clinic appointment because time is up!


Hopefully, as this year moves along we can focus on the time together and less on time apart!  

Cheers!

Cami

Residency Roundup: Tips for medical wives entering intern year

Happy Graduation and Moving month to all our starting residents!  
I think back 2 years ago to our frenzied month of boxes, paperwork, goodbyes, and then hellos and remember it felt like a bittersweet whirlwind.  During each transition during this long process I have felt awkward, like beginning a new phase with the understanding that I truly knew very little nothing about what was to happen. 

To help each new intern family succeed  this coming year I scoured the internet for some solve-all tips.  I found this awesome article on kevinmd.com written by Elizabeth Breuer, MD "Tips for medical students entering intern year".  http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2011/06/tips-medical-students-entering-intern-year.html  (click to read full article)

Here are Elizabeth Breuer's nine tips for interns:
1. You might have been a good medical student but you now know essentially nothing.
2. Accept the fact that you will (do) dumb things and you might hear about it.
3. Having a pager sucks.
4. It's ok to be absolutely terrified.
5. If you are completely over your head, ask for help.
6. Things that seem scary will become second nature.
7. It's ok to complain.
8. Step back and realize how totally amazing your job is.
9. Most importantly, work hard, keep your head down, take care of your patients and take responsibility for your actions.

What our husbands and/or partners do is important and a big deal.  But as their support, confidant, teammate, and cheerleader through this journey, we need our own recommendations for success which is why I sorted out our own 'doctors wives' intern tips.  

My nine tips for new intern wives:
1. Remember YOU are the constant.  
2. Learn to be flexible. Ideally, flexible and patient:)
3. Long call days or horrible month rotations will end.  
4. Find or continue ways to keep your sanity.  Hobbies, Family, Friends, Work, etc. 
5. During those really bad days where regret, hurt, and loneliness catch up with you, remember you are not alone! Other wives have survived those feelings.  Breath, you can and will do this.
6. Invent new ways to connect with your Doc.  Meet up at the hospital for a meal or Face-time your goodnight calls. 
7. You and you DrH are accomplishing something amazing.  
8. Document, remember this time of hard work and sacrifice.  
9. Most importantly, remember LOVE.  


Happy Wishes to all our new Doctor's Wives!!

Cami

Don't Despair...You Are Not Alone

By Anonymous

During the process of your husband’s pursuit of his dream, becoming a doctor, did you ever have a moment where you seriously considered he may not be able to push through and make it to the end?  Being a part of the LDWs facebook page has made me realize that a lot of medical students have these moments.  Moments where they question the decision they have made, question if they are strong enough to make it through whatever barrier stands in front of them, moments that shake the core of their relationships, with their spouse, siblings, and parents because this process has the ability to make them feel completely alone; how could any one not in medical school really understand?

This is the story of our moment:

My husband was a high honors student during his undergraduate training.  He was Phi Beta Kappa upon graduation, did well above average on his MCAT, and got accepted to his choice medical school.  MS1 and MS2 were okay for him.  He struggled in some subjects, not because he was not smart enough to learn it but simply because of the rapid pace to which learning was expected.  He did poorly on his first exams in medical school and quickly determined what he was doing wrong in studying and adjusted it and brought his grades up.  Many of his grades were average to high average, which was disappointing to him being used to being an honors student but I was proud he was keeping his head above water.  I watched him study all day into the night and he would still be studying when I was getting up for work at 5:00 am the next morning.  He conquered things that would have broken me.  He never failed a class. He never failed a standardized exam. The opposite was true in fact, he exceeded many of his peers on his MCAT, USMLEs, and eventually his Board Exam.

The conclusion of MS2 was celebrated.  MS3 and MS4 were supposed to be a great time. We never met anyone who dreaded his or her clinical rotations.  Everyone was excited to get into the hospital, experience all of the different rotations, and really feel out the process for what they want to be when they grow up.  His first rotations were Psychiatry and Neurology.  These rotations were fairly easy and although he had a tough resident that did not allow them to get away with not reading up on their patients, he got through and did well. 

His second rotation was Pediatrics.  His pediatric rotation was split into two 4-week sections.  The first month for him was outpatient pediatrics some of which was at a specialty hospital following up on pediatric oncology patients in the outpatient setting.  The second month was Inpatient Pediatrics. 

My husband came home from his first day on his Inpatient Pediatrics portion of his rotation obviously in a bad mood.  He began explaining to me the call schedule, expectations, ‘pimping’, and the pressure.  He was expected to be at work at 5:30am for pre-rounding 7:00am for lecture, round on patients for 6-8 hours, stay the night for his call shift, go to lecture at 7:00am, and round on his patients before leaving.  It was essentially a 24-hour call schedule flanked by two normal working days.  When he was explaining this to me my immediate reaction was this is something that everyone goes through and it will just take time to get used to it, just like it took time to work out the kinks in studying during MS1 and MS2. 

Within the next week, he began explaining to me how he hated being in the hospital and honestly did not like the actual job of being a doctor.  My husband loves science.  He is a scientist at his core.  He could have easily been a Physicist.  He was convinced he had made a huge mistake pursuing this career.  At this point I immediately went into damage control.  He had been working toward getting into medical school through six years of undergraduate and now was in the beginning of his third year of medical school and he was seriously talking about quitting.  We were sitting in the tiny living room of our one bedroom, 600 square foot apartment; me on a chair and him on the furthest end sofa from me.  He kept trying to explain to me that he could not do it any more.  He did not want to step another foot in that hospital.  He did not want to return for his shift the next day.  He had his knees pulled up against his chest with his face hidden in his knees.  In all of our time together I have never seen him cry like this.  I have never seen such desperation on his face or heard it in his voice like I did that day.  He was begging me for permission to quit. 

This initial conversation was short in hindsight.  I quickly called my husband’s father, who is a physician.  I demanded he discuss his feelings with his dad and that he get medication. He was showing clear signs of acute situational depression and I was heavily burdened by the idea of him feeling too ‘trapped’ in this career.  Two students at his school in other health science fields had committed suicide that year.  It was too common of a statistic. The debt burden, feeling of letting your loved one’s down, and feelings of failure do not mix well with the personalities that make it this far in this career.  I certainly never wanted him to feel like this was his only option.  After he called his dad and talked though things he made THE calls.  The first call was to his Dean followed by a call to his attending in his Inpatient Pediatrics rotation.  He explained that he was overwhelmed and wanted to quit medical school.  He explained to them that he was sorry and that felt this was a bad career choice for him. 

Our world was crumbling before my very eyes.  It is impossible to work up to this life for eight years and not have very solidified ideas of what life would be like.  All of our visions for the future were getting scrapped.  We were now in the situation where we had to figure out what he was going to do for a career to even begin to pay back his student loans.  His bachelors degrees were in Evolutionary Biology and Biochemistry, both of which are useless for actually making money.     

His Dean discussed his options.  They allowed him to get credit for his outpatient pediatrics rotation and take a month off from school.  We packed our bags and went home.  We left everything in our apartment and took some much needed time to really discuss what he wanted and where that would be taking us.  For most of that month I completely avoided discussing going back to medical school, even though it was constantly at the back of my mind.  I let him have the break he needed to not think about the hospital and bring the subject up when he felt okay discussing it.  That time came around a week before he was supposed to return to school. Small things during that month, like seeing a beautiful house or a fancy sports car, would remind him of the life that we had planned.  Going into medical school was never about the money but it was certainly hard to see how we would have anything nice trying to climb out of medical school debt with no usable degree for him. During that talk, we discussed possible specialties, the requirements of each, the interaction each had with patients, inpatient versus outpatient specialties, and the radiology and pathology options.  He decided to return to school.  He felt mentally prepared for it.  He never returned to that hospital or that city, until graduation.  He finished his Inpatient Pediatrics rotation and all of his following rotations successfully and went on to graduate on time and match to his number one residency program, where he works with patients daily. He conquered the 30-hour call shifts, the pimping, and the pressure.  He is a great doctor. Many of his peers had no clue what happened to him and we never discussed it.

The path to becoming a doctor is isolating.  Each and every flaw is self-analyzed during the process of just trying to get into medical school.  The medical school interviews criticize anything less than perfection, trying to ensure that they are picking only those students who they feel deserve it, from all their hard work during undergraduate, keeping those grades as high as humanly possible, doing the appropriate amount of volunteer work, research, letters of recommendation, being well rounded, and so on.  That’s the catch though.  We are all human.  We all need support. We all struggle.  The mentality of medicine is that perfection is the only quality that is acceptable.  Just know, perfection is impossible and if you have had one of these moments you are not alone and it is possible to come back from the brink and be okay, thriving actually. 

Signed,

Anonymous       

Just Keep Swimming

As the past 8 years have passed, I have become more and more used to my husband’s crazy schedule.  This last 5 months of residency are becoming the hardest months that we have endured during our marriage.  We will still have another year of training after this, the here and now is hard.  I take huge security in the fact that my husband and I are able to communicate about anything, but it still doesn’t change the long months of time my husband spends away from our familial unit.  The part that is harder than those long months is that when he is here, his time is filled with a horrid schedule to make up for the time that he has been away.  Essentially, he is here and yet he is not here.  It’s driving me crazy. 

I am over the brunt of my feelings on the subject.  It’s a form of mourning, I think.  I am to acceptance, I think.  I’ve also come to the realization that the strength we have in our communication and love for one another is what will see us through.  I can see how couples find themselves in situations of unhappiness during this process. 

In the words of Dory on Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”

 

Newly Meds, I mean Weds

Greetings!

I am a newly wed doctor's wife (four months). My husband is a trauma surgeon and works four overnight shifts per week. We are in a new town and I am rather shy. Needless to say I am getting a bit clinger that I would like.

I love him and miss him a lot. His work precludes us from spending a lot of time together. If I feel this bad now, what is going to happen in the future?

Any suggestions,
Sylvia

PS You know, it is really funny but when people find out what my husband does for a living they are always so impressed. They say, "Oh wow! you married a doctor," I tell them, no I didn't marry a doctor - I married a man, a very wonderful man that I wish I saw more.

Survivor Saturdays: When the Doctor Has No Patience

At some point during medical school and residency, a low threshold of patience is common. Your spouse may become easily frustrated and even angry. Small things will become big things, and your spouse may turn into a different person. While this is common, it can be manageable. If you address some of the causes up front, you'll have a little more energy to deal with the unavoidable ones.

Sleep deprivation is one of the main reasons your handsome prince becomes a royal pain! Lack of sleep brings on irritability, depression, weight gain, and even hypertension. While you can't control how much sleep he gets, you can help him get the most out of his shut-eye at home. When he is in bed, keep interruptions to a minimum. Remove home phones from the bedroom and consider a white noise machine. You can even create white noise by going to this simplynoise website on a strategically placed laptop. Also, assure him you won't let him oversleep, even if it means setting two or three alarms for his peace of mind.

I mentioned hypertension as it relates to sleep, but hypertension is a serious issue and it's common in high-stress occupations. Hypertension can result in constant headaches, as well as a generally crappy feeling. Look for signs of hypertension. If your spouse has frequent headaches, irregular heartbeats, changes in vision, occasional dizziness, or flushed face, encourage them to check their blood pressure. I'm not giving professional medical advice here, I'm just telling you what I know from my own experience and conversations.

I've mentioned this before, but constant pager calls, stat orders, and repeated requests for on-the-spot decisions can drive a person mad. Since your spouse can't tell senior residents or nursing staff to take a hike, the frustration is likely to be redirected at you. Oftentimes, just telling your spouse what action you need from him, rather than asking him to make a decision, will go a long way. Men are problem-solvers, so those innocent conversations when you think out loud can lead your spouse into a mental meltdown trying to fix a problem that doesn't exist. If you're just feeling chatty, tell him you want a sounding board and no response is needed. That may sound crazy, but it gives him permission to stop "rescuing."

Okay, this leaves us with the more touchy topic - inappropriate behavior. Don't allow your partner to treat you poorly, simply because he works hard. We all work hard. You probably wake up as many times to care for children as he does on a call night (revisit paragraphs 2 & 3 above). The God complex is a recognized condition physicians suffer from when they eat up the attention and become too full of themselves (yes, that's a little joke). If his behavior is unacceptable, point it out when it happens and suggest an alternative. He'll probably respond in like kind, and you can both offer to try something different. Keep other physician jerks at a distance, too, since they tend to suck others in to justify their own poor behavior.

When all else fails, consider finding a counselor to get you both back on track. Most insurance policies cover such visits and you may find that even one visit makes a difference. Counselors don't fix problems, they just facilitate discussing them in a more constructive way. If you can't convince him to consider counseling, surround yourself with other couples who have healthy marriages. Good examples go a long way and you both may pick up some better habits.

Hope this helps some of you attend to your spouses' mood and give your marriage the critical care it needs. (Hope you found my puns humerus.)

Survivor Saturdays: In Search of Support

One of the great things about this website is that we all share something in common. It isn't that we're married to doctors, but that we all know what each other are going through. Sometimes, I feel like I've survived a war zone, and meeting someone else who understands my pain and sacrifice is somehow comforting. This is a wonderful resource, but sometimes it isn't enough. So where can we turn for support when we really need a break from screaming kids, or a chance to have a good cry when nobody is around? Your family is a great resource, if you're lucky enough to still live near them. Sometimes, even that isn't enough, though.

Church families are a great place to look for support and encouragement. Many churches also form small groups, where handfuls of people live life together. Small groups are an incredible gift, if you are careful in selecting one where all of you have something in common. I'm in a small group right now, and I couldn't live without them. My group is made up of seven couples, all who have teenage children. After our group formed, two of the couples unexpectedly had babies. We have "lived life" together, counseling each other when marriage was in crisis, delivering meals when work became too demanding, babysitting when flu hit, and even running to each others' rescue at 3am. I have even allowed others in my group to talk to my son about poor choices, knowing that their wisdom would be better received than mine.

I only wish I had looked to small groups when M was going through residency. I thought I didn't have the time. I was so busy treading water that I didn't want to give up a precious hour to sit through a bible study. I didn't know small groups aren't always bible studies. The one I'm in now isn't. In fact, the group used to include the pastor - he explained that small groups are about building relationships. That's what we do. We share struggles with others who understand, and allow them to help find answers. Sometimes the answers involve an attitude adjustment, and sometimes the answers come in the form of an offer to babysit. Church family can reach beyond the abilities of your immediate family in ways you cannot know until you reach out.

Don't overlook this valuable resource for support. Ask around to see if your church has a small group you can join. If you're not active in a church right now, shop around for one. Small groups don't have to be initiated by the church, either. You can approach a few people who enjoy each others' company and propose you all start a group. Selecting people from your church will give you a better chance of getting good advice, rather than stoking your negative feelings.

Hello Dr.'s wives and significant others!

My husband and I dated throughout his last 2 years of medical school and he is currently in his intern year. His third year was expectedly busy. His fourth year promised more time for us. Unfortunately, my now husband decided to volunteer for an ultra sound clinic and be involved in an ultra sound study. He was also active in the emergency medicine journal club as well as mentoring “younger” medical students. Because of all of these commitments, his fourth year was similar to his third. Now that he is in his intern year, once again he is constantly busy. Something I expected and am getting used to. In fact, when he is home, it is almost weird.

I have recently watched a documentary titles “Doctor’s Diaries” from the television program, NOVA. It is about a person who followed 7 Harvard Medical School medical students throughout their four years (starting in 1987) along with their residency programs. He also touched base with them in the year 2000 and again in 2008.

After watching this program, I realized that a lot of the doctors went in directions I did not expect. Two of them do not even practice and one literally has to fly around the country to get work because of his bad reputation as a doctor. In terms of marriages or relationships, all of them have had failed or are struggling in their relationships. 2 out of 7 work so much they never married, 4 out of 7 divorced their first spouse and are on their second with one on his fourth marriage, and one got married at 38 years old. When the spouses and current spouses were interviewed or talked about, they expressed the fact that their husband/wife was not around much, even as an attending. I have to admit this really worries me.

My schema of how my now husband’s life would go is changing. I thought he would have time once he is an attending. Yet, all of the attendings from this show at some point, see patients, are involved in research, teach, and do administrative work all at the same time. Thus keeping the same schedule as a resident.

My questions is how can you balance life and work when all your time is devoted to work? I just know if my husband decides to get involved in research, teaching, administration (all of which he has expressed interest), as well as seeing patients, we will not last. I cannot support a workaholic and am wondering how I can support my husband without being on the back burner 24/7. I want to avoid a potential divorce, but do not know how to do it without telling my spouse I will not support him in all the extra curricular activities he wants to participate in throughout his career. I have talked to him about this, and he has nothing really to say. He simply blamed society on expecting so much out of doctors.

Hush

My boyfriend is in his 3rd year of internal medicine residency, and we are living together this year. I though this would mean we would have more time together, but he says he needs an hour to relax when he comes home without having to make conversation, and since he has to go to sleep early and also work on reports at home, I feel like we never have much time to talk. Is it typical for residents to not want totalk to their significant others for an hour after they get home? I'm worried if he will still be like this next year, and if this will be a problem once we have kids.

Thanks,T.R.

Stresses of Life

although i'm only in my second year as a "doctor wife" i have already learned a lot. my husband and i have been married for almost 4 1/2 years and we just had our third baby in june. i've always thought of myself as a fairly balanced individual and one who doesn't stress out too easily. that felt like it was all going to come crashing down on me at times last fall.

one day my sister posted a link to an article from our church magazine written in 1994. the title "the stresses of life" first caught my eye and i didn't realize until i went back to read it that it was an article my mom had written. my mom is a social worker and very good at what she does (of course, i'm completely biased!). you can read it here (http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=e45f425e0848b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD) if you're interested. yes, i am lds (or mormon), but whether you are or not, i think there are definitely some good things to glean from this.

another good read is "spin sisters" by myrna blyth (if you look up the complete title you'll also know my political persuasion : ) and that's okay by me!). i recommend the book to everyone, but blyth has a chapter on stress toward the beginning that i think is really worth reading. it changed my way of thinking. it really helped me to see that we create so much of our own stress - and there is no need to. not only do we not need to, we shouldn't!

another thing i'd like to share is something i talked to my mom about last fall. i knew we were where we needed to be (still do and still are!) but i was often having a hard time with things (i had two boys 2 and under with a baby girl on the way). things often came down to me saying/thinking, "i know we need to be here for spencer. he needs to be in school at osu. we are where we need to be." my mom pointed out that if it's the right thing for us as a family and for spencer as an individual, it's the right thing for me as an individual - not just as a support for spencer, but for me to grow into the kind of person that i need to be and that God wants me to become. if we're here for spencer it means we're here just as much for me. at that point i started praying differently. it was no longer asking for help to be happy with my situation but to help me know what my purpose here is and to be happy with that.

something that i will continue to learn is to have zero expectation when it comes to spencer - not because he's a horrible husband and doesn't help, but because his schedule is such that he can't help in all the areas he'd like to. i've also lowered my expectations on what i want done around the house. i have three kids and they are my priority. i've also stopped feeling bad for not doing certain tasks around the house because if spencer really wanted them done, he could find the time to do it himself. i'm just grateful that he doesn't care so much about those things either and that he would rather spend his time with me and the kids when he has the chance.

faith

all alone...

has anyone else ever lost their dr. h to an away rotation? mine is gone for the entire month (I'm in philly, he's in cleveland). if anyone has any good ideas on how to pass the time, that would be much appreciated! thanks.

Safety First!

So this past week, my hubby has pretty much been on call every other night meaning that my week was shot and that I spent many nights alone in bed. Many of us are at the point in our lives where our husbands are gone sometimes more than they are home it seems, and if you aren't there, you will be soon!

One of these nights, I had just gotten both boys in bed and headed back into the living room to finish tidying up and close down the computer when I heard a loud noise rustling out my front window. Both my dog Brinkley and I stopped and listened very intently on what was going on. It sounded like someone was messing with the car, was walking up the steps and then was on our front patio messing with something!!!

I quickly looked at the front door to make sure it was locked and looked around for something I could use to defend myself. How much damage do you think a Disney Mack Truck toy could do to a burglar? Well, I didn't want to find out, so I flipped on the porch light thinking that it might scare whatever it was away........well, much to my surprise, it was a HUGE skunk right in my front garden.....thank the Lord!

So that night, as I laid in bed, (a little rattled of course) I started thinking about what I would do if someone tried to break in my home. I thought well, Morgan is in this bedroom with me (we are still living in the nursery due to our master upstairs still being under construction), Grant is next door, and to exit to the nearest door you have to pass through the main hall and would be seen by the burglar....hmmmm. Then I remembered that since we had a very old, house none of our doors shut or lock, great(don't worry we are slowly remodeling everything). Then I remembered we finally had gotten the bathroom door to lock, SUCCESS! But then I remembered it has a tiny window that I couldn't get out of and neither Tom or I could get it open last week when it was nice outside. Great, now I'm locked in the bathroom with no way out!

I thought and thought about an escape route or even if I got out what I would do next. If I hid with the boys somewhere and called the police how long could I keep 2 rambunctious boys quiet after being yanked from their beds in the middle of the night. If I called Tom, there's no guarantee I would even be able to get a hold of him, as most the times I call he is busy with a delivery......well I finally fell asleep with these thoughts swirling through my head, thoughts that never had crossed my path while living in our town house in Tulsa surrounded by students I knew, or when living at my parent's house for the last 8 months (no one is going to mess with a 6'4" giant with numerous guns in his house, thanks Dad).

The next morning I chatted about it to Tom and then I thought of all you ladies and women all over the world who are home alone in the evening while their hubbies are off at work. What do they do, what would YOU do? Do you have a plan in place? Do you have protection? I would love to hear some ideas, what you have in place, or a great resource that comes to mind! Thanks for sharing!

dealing with dinnertime

My DH's intern year has begun in earnest. No more coming home at 5:30 or 6; he's beginning to work those long hours that are familiar to so many of you. I love to cook, and throughout our three-year marriage we've almost always eaten dinner together. Now, though, I can't predict when he'll be home to eat. Tonight I made a fantastic meal--seared scallops with corn coulis and a lovely summer salad of tomatoes and peaches--then sat and ate it all alone.

It's clear that I'm going to have to make some adjustments. Recipes that end in "Serve immediately" have just been pushed to the back of the box! What are some of your coping strategies for mealtimes during uncertain schedules? Have you made friends with the freezer? Do you have any standby recipes that taste (almost) as good after 2 hours?

Residency Switcheroo

So Dr. C comes home after his first day in his radiology residency and says "couldn't decide which to do: a) hit car into tree and die, b) tell you that I made a huge mistake and do not want to be a radiologist.

So, now what? We bought a house, moved the family across the country - Melisa, any of this sounding familiar?

Wouldn't it be nice if he could just switch into a program here? We'll just have to see I guess...

Sorry

Sorry that I haven't been able to update the status of everyone on the blog yet or update some other things, but I am sitting in the Subway parking lot with my screaming baby.....who has been crying for 4 weeks, trying to get caught up on bills and other important things in my emails! The Internet people are finally coming this Thursday to install Internet so I will actually be able to catch up on what everyone has been up to. We have been trying to desperately find necessities for Tom to get to the hospital everyday (since we didn't get into our house until a few days before he actually started work), so blogging has not been a priority! Hope everyone is doing well and I will get things updated ASAP and get things hopping again! Take care!

My husband is getting sued!!!

I know...your TOTALLY jealous, right?

Try not to be.

Two years ago, while an intern, hubby attended to a patient who had a problem. The patient had a worse problem after my hubby went home for the night. Patient has since recovered with no more problems. Said patient is why our entire health care system is in jeopardy.

Anyone who even breathed near the patients' door is named in the suit...seriously.

Did hubby freak out? Yes
Did hubby spend an entire afternoon going over the papers he was served? Yes, this happened during one of his four days of vacation. Kewl, huh?
Did hubby drink several beers and run his hands thru his hair? Yes
Did hubby spend an entire day going over patient records and rechecking his notes? Yes, another day of vacation burned
Is hubby worried? Yes and No. The program he is in has lawyers working on it. Yes, he is covered by their malpractice insurance.
Did hubby have to fill out many many extra pages when filling for his DPS/DEA numbers? Yes

Was this a pain in the #ss? Yes

Hubby also spent many hours typing out his statement of what happened during the shift. He remembers it quite well.

And of course all this happens on the heels of (finally) signing a contract with his new job that he will be starting in August. They didn't seem to mind, strangely enough.

So...anybody else's hubby/s.o. been sued yet?

I know it will happen to all doctors at least once during their career...but his hasn't even started yet. I'm not worried, just another bump in the road.

cheers! amber (an almost survivor)

Survivor Saturdays - Truly Awful Doctor's Wife

If you don’t already have an Awful Story, you probably will by the time you finish training. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m the only Truly Awful Doctor's Wife. But in case you don’t have an Awful Story, I thought I’d share mine in hopes of saving you the shame and disgrace of being a Truly Awful Doctor's Wife.

So Michael was in his fellowship year in Pediatric Ophthalmology. We had been married since MS 1, and now he was PGY 5. That’s a long time. On this particular day, I was a little weary. Between caring for our (then) two kids and the house and everything else, I was pulling a load of laundry out of the dryer when I noticed my once-lovely black twin set sweater amid the t-shirts and blue jeans. The sweater set that my mother had bought for me. At a department store. In the Name Brand section. The one I couldn’t afford on Michael’s meager PGY paycheck. The one that very clearly states in itsy bitsy font on the underside of the tiny little tag on the inside side seam DRY CLEAN ONLY. The sweater that was one of the very few nice pieces of clothing I owned because when your husband is in training, you shop at consignment stores and Target. The sweater set that I could dress up, dress down, and wear with every pair of pants and every skirt hanging in my closet. Well, almost.

The sweater set I now held in my shaking hands was shredded. Shrunk. Grossly disfigured. Completely ruined.

The doer of such an evil deed? My beloved pediatric ophthalmology fellow who, of course, was presently at the hospital.

I grabbed the phone, angrily punched in his pager number with all the force that my size 4 fingers could muster, and waited for him to return the call.

Calm down, I told myself. Breathe. Do not yell at him. Breathe.

But of course, when the phone rang, I let him have it. I yelled. I insulted. I fumed.

And he took it. Graciously. Humbly. Apologetically.

Whew! I feel better now, I thought. OK, I’m calm now. I took a deep breath and casually added, “So how is your day going?”

“Well,” he replied, “I just told two parents that their baby has retinoblastoma. He’ll probably have to be enucleated.”

(Retinoblastoma: a rare and ugly cancerous tumor in the eye occurring in young children. Enucleation: complete removal of the eyeball.)

Oh.

Michael sees retinoblastoma about once a year, and every time, he is devastated. He takes it really, really hard – often to the point that he can’t sleep at night. And the parents of these kids? I can’t even imagine.

And my stupid, stupid sweater was ruined.

And I just yelled at my husband, who was fighting to save a baby’s life.

Truly. Awful. Wife.

Never mind that he was doing the laundry. Never mind that he is the kindest, gentlest, most generous, most humble person I know. Never mind that he didn’t purposefully set out to ruin my clothing. He was trying to help. He was trying to lighten my load. And no one deserves to be treated the way I had just treated him.

So there you have it. I was a Truly Awful Doctor's Wife. I’m embarrassed to say it took another year or so after that horrible incident before I really understood what it means to respect my husband. I needed a few more kicks in the rear before I quit being so insanely self-absorbed.

He hates it when I beat myself up. He sees something in me that I find almost impossible to see myself. He is quick to sing my praises and tell anyone how much I have sacrificed for him, how he couldn’t do it without me. And even though I don’t think I deserve such adoration, I love him for it.

The lesson here? Spare yourself the humiliation. In your justified frustration, remember that he loves you. Remember that he is doing really important work. Remember that someone else’s very life is in his hands. Take a breath, and love him back. Try to keep it all in perspective.

There will always be another sweater set.

Jennifer Hunt
Survivor in Ped. Ophtho.
http://5merryhunts.blogspot.com/

Personal Battles

This was sent to me by an anonymous lady hoping to get some advice from us, please do your best to help by sharing some constructive answers and perhaps personal experiences.

I'm just sometimes tired of 2 things that I've tried battling lately:

1. He is always busy and whenever he gets off work , he is just too tired to have a good conversation and we live an hour away till his posting finishes ( probably 1.5 years) and we only have one day in a week , where he tries to do everything at once. From his chores to catching up with me. I sometimes miss doing what "normal " couples do. I have been patient and usually i am but sometimes it really gets to me. I mean i deserve attention , don't i?

2. The nurses and certain doctors and patients throw themselves shamelessly at him. I'm glad that he tells me , but i do get insecure sometimes , because I'm not around.

Any advice?