We graduated from medical school last month and I feel more lost than when we started this journey four years ago. Contradictory, my husband feels more stable with the start of his residency upon us.

After two years into medical school life changed for us. We moved two hours away to complete our third year of rotations. And thus the crux of where my journey of being off-track began. I was a teacher and expecting my second child in August during third year. Finding a job in a new location and asking for maternity leave; just didn’t look good. So, we decided I would stay home. That was a decision I really wanted to happen. When I left my career I had moved into administration and it was beginning to be quite a struggle with taking care of the home front. So, I took homemaking on by the horns and vowed to become the best June Cleaver ever (dang type A personality).

I did what I knew best, I got involved….I got all of us involved. Each day was a full schedule. I thought to myself, "If I just keep busy I won’t get board." At the time I thought being a stay-at-home mom meant I would become boring and be sitting on the couch and eating bon bons all day. The kids and I ended up burnt out. I wasn’t a nice mom, I didn’t have emotional or physical time for my husband and I resented our decision for me to stay home. I had to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to be a stay at home mom. How did others make it look so fun? So easy? So full of worth?

From then on we cut out several activities. I kept our afternoons free at home so I wouldn’t be rushing in and attempting a hot meal exhausted and at the end of my rope. We just stayed home when my husband was off and did at-home activities. Things started looking better, I felt a relief and started to enjoy being home. So, that is how people made it look good; they embraced and made a flow for their family.

Then enters medical school to throw us for a loop again. We had two options for fourth year; the kids and I stay in a town we just moved to while my husband was gone for six months or we move to MI with my family and see my husband. So, this AZ based family scoured the REI annual sale for winter items and headed to the Midwest.

Living with family with two very active boys was a whole other adjustment within itself. We were so grateful for the ability to save money and see my husband, but I had to learn how to be a stay at home mom again. In a new environment, no friends, no playmates, no activities, no church, and no feeling of community and not even in our own home. I did my best to keep my boys in library time and we ended up joining a gym, which saved my life, but life was defiantly different. Instead of playing with my kids I constantly followed them picking up after them. I held my breath when they played inside because I was afraid they would break something. I was exhausted of just surviving.

Now, fast-forward to today; we are in our own home in our new town. As soon as we moved in we began renovating, painting, unpacking, you know the usual excited new homeowner things. We are in our own space in a place I know we will be for at least four years.

But why am I not happy? Why am I not over joyous with this victory over medical school and matching in a residency?

We sat and did our budget the other day (non joyous answer right there) and we decided I had to bring in some type of income. Specifically to help with the overhaul we did on the house and just to give us an emergency fund again. So, I took the bull by the horns again and updated my resume and pulled out my references. But I had no where to go, I had no place to land….what have I done in two years….what am I doing with my time? Oh sure I could get my teaching certificate in MI, but when I left education I was in administration and I am not sure I have it in me to climb the ranks again and go back to teaching in a school system.

I found myself asking, "Who am I" and answering "I am a wife of a doctor" and it made me mad. I am a wife of a doctor who has sacrificed her career, her things, her feeling of a community, of things I knew all to help my husband fulfill his dream. And you know what, I was kind of angry with this for a week. Like drink a bottle of wine angry. I don’t know if it was the five moves in four years or the feeling that I have been just barely making it by and for the first time in my life I didn’t know what to do next.

Then, my husband got an email and asked me to take care of it. And it dawned on me…I am a wife of a doctor who couldn’t have done it without me. All those moves, all those new cable set ups, quotes for moving, packing of boxes and still making a homemade dinner (most of the time), yeah that was me.

Then, I even thought I have two young boys that I keep alive every day and one that is starting to read…because of ME.

I know it is so easy to get wrapped up in what you have said good-bye to in order for your husband to become a doctor. But at the same time look at what you have learned to embrace. I am not afraid….of anything really, nothing. Any change, any upset I know I can handle…because I have handled A LOT. What I have realized is that I am not identified by my career or my income (or lack thereof one).

So, what am I? I am a wife of a doctor who loves her doctor and her children more than anything.

Celebrate the small success, don’t dwell on the good-byes and embrace the change!

To all you doctors wives out there….YOU can do this and YOU can find out even more who you really are in the process.

NAME: Stacie Johnson

PROFESSION: A practicing wife and stay at home mom

(Oh and P.S. I have started watching children to help with our budget. But I always ask myself "What do I want to be when I grow up?").

　

　

　

　

Darlin’ you’ve got to let me know…should I stay or should I go?

My journey of loss and life, from bread winner, to reluctant stay at home mom

by: Sarah Vaca

Anybody that knows me knows that I strive on stress. I am an over achiever to the 10^th degree. I was that girl… president of my class in HS, valedictorian, cheerleading captain, and wannabe professional ballerina. In college, I continued to half-heartedly pursue my ballet career, I was sorority recruitment chair, served on student government, volunteered, worked a 20 hours/week, and maintained a superb GPA with 18+ credit hours of science courses, and still found ample time to have fun. I graduated from college and joined the real world, where absolutely none of that mattered. I married my college sweet heart weeks after my graduation, gave up my spot at a prominent PA school and moved to a rural town 3 hours from home for my new groom to start medical school. The “me-centric” life that I knew and loved was over. I waited impatiently to see if I would make it off the waiting list and be granted an out of state spot in the PA class at my husband’s medical school…I wasn’t, at least not then. This new, slow paced life depressed me. My husband was busy studying. Most would not envy such tedious hours spent at the library, but I longed to be learning and I desperately missed the collegiate environment. Few of his classmates were married, but I became friends with the med students and their significant others, but even still, I felt like something in my life was missing. I found a job right away that was far from my dream job at the local 20-bed hospital. I worked as sort of a jack of all trades aid. I drew blood, did typical CNA/secretary work, helped educate new moms, and became very active in a research project. I didn’t love my job, but it was the only thing I had to keep me busy, so I gave it my all. I was quickly handed new responsibilities and went from aiding research to being the primary author. But still, something was missing.

Soon, I found myself staying late to help when new moms came in to deliver. I adored that new life and the opportunity to teach and snuggle a perfect, brand new baby. I loved helping with deliveries and seeing new moms as they met their child for the very first time. Driving home one night, it suddenly dawned on me: I desperately wanted a baby. My husband and I come from large families and both knew we wanted children, but never discussed when. I knew I wanted them sooner than later…after all, I had changed my career path in college from a MD track to a PA track when my mother told me that if my then boyfriend and I were both going to be doctors, I should probably freeze my eggs. I was young and my husband was a medical student. We were buried in student loan debt and were just barely getting by financially as it was. My career was blossoming, and I still had dreams of a graduate education. However, absolutely none of this seemed as important as my need to procreate. I approached my husband with the idea, and though at first he was absolutely shocked, after a week of pondering, he said he thought now was as good of a time as any other. We weren’t going to get less busy, and if we waited for that moment to come, we could wait forever.  It took a short two months for the positive test to come and we were thrilled to announce our pregnancy. Our family was shocked, but thrilled also. I was horribly nauseous and hardly glowing, but I was extraordinarily happy… happier still to find out that we were expecting not one, but two babies. As a twin myself, I was over the moon. At my 16 week appointment, my small town family practice physician was concerned that I was losing, not gaining weight. I was still extraordinarily nauseous. She wanted to do an ultrasound and some blood work. I obliged. I knew immediately something was wrong. To make a very long and very sad story short, one baby was actually a molar pregnancy, an egg that, instead of the normal two sets of chromosomes, has one or three sets and was rapidly dividing in my uterus. The other baby was normal. The molar pregnancy was not compatible with life and was a large danger to the other, normal baby. At 23 weeks, the inevitable happened, and I lost my first baby.

I was unbearably depressed. I still looked pregnant, I still felt pregnant, but I had nothing to show for it. Strangers asked me when I was due and I would burst into tears in a public place. My family and coworkers were supportive and my husband tried to be. He didn’t know what to do with me. I had never been depressed, and he just kept waiting for me to snap out of it. I ended up getting into PA school, something he thought would bring me joy, but it didn’t. My employer was impressed with my research and wanted me to stay, but they really needed someone with a license to carry on the research. They offered to pay my way through an accelerated nursing program and some graduate statistics classes so that I could extend my research. I obliged and started to feel some twinges of happiness. This job had just sort of fallen in my lap and it was turning out to be everything I wanted it to be. I could study, teach, research, write, and serve a clinical role, and best of all, distract myself from what I really wanted…a baby.

We moved to a bigger city, planned for me to start school that January, and I began to expand my research project while my husband continued to study. He commuted back to our medical school town for his second didactic year of medical school.  Suddenly, I started feeling terribly nauseous again. I was terrified that the molar cells that had been eliminated for the last 6 months were back. I had a positive Hcg test, and I prepared myself for another round of methotrexate. In the ultrasound room, I prayed, please, no white snow on that machine. There was no snow, but there was that flashing light...a heartbeat. I was pregnant. I was astounded…terrified…and totally joyful. I called my husband who was in the hospital’s library studying. He came and saw that screen and cried the very first happy tears I ever saw him cry. I was eight weeks pregnant. Our child was to be due just 5 months after I was to start school.

We decided to move in with our in-laws to save money and still allow us both to pursue our educational dreams and afford to start our family. This proved a difficult, but a doable sacrifice to finally hold that baby and have the career I so very much wanted. School started and everyone was shocked to see that I was going to undergo this intense program while 5 months pregnant. I excelled, even when I got placed on bed rest and fellow class mates had to roll me in a wheel chair around my clinical sites. Our son was breach and had a nuchal chord that was preventing him from turning. At 35 weeks, 6 days, I went into labor. My son was born via c-section at exactly 36 weeks and he was absolutely perfect. He was healthy, strong, and instantly had our hearts. We took him home two days later. He came to class with me the next week. He nursed while I studied, and my husband and I frequently read aloud from our text books to put him to sleep. We joked that he would be 10 steps ahead if he ever went to medical school as he had been studying the human body since infancy. Life was beautiful. I graduated on time and returned from work, and although it broke my heart to walk out the door and leave my son behind, I loved the joy on his face each time I returned. Also, working cheered me… the intellectual stimulation, the encouraging feeling of making a difference in someone’s life, and even the mere distraction helped me keep my mood up when I was frustrated with a new phase in my child’s life or missing my husband... I never missed a single developmental milestone and being gone made me cherish each moment I had with my little family.

Match day came and we knew that residency would mean changes. Big changes. We were to be moving to a brand new state 4.5 hours from the nearest family member. I knew that this new stage of life would require me to count on doing all of the child care myself. Because we decided to buy a house, it would also require me to take on the majority of the care of our home. We made our two busy lives work in our medical school town by me working nights and enlisting the help of willing grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends to care for our child while I slept. I frequently went without a full “night’s” sleep and sometimes went without any at all. I knew this situation could not be replicated in our residency town and struggled to find child care and a new job that would work for our new life situation. After a particularly stressful week, my husband suggested that I just stay home. After all, his income would replace mine, and we were doing quite well financially. He said he did not know if he could handle the stress of my job in addition to his. I honestly had never pondered this option, nor considered that my stress brought him stress, but my immediate response was “no.” I’ll be honest, I had absolutely no idea what stay at home moms did. I imagined gossiping with women I didn’t really like and watching daytime TV. The idea sounded horrendously borin. I liked working and I really, really liked the idea of us having two incomes at last! I had this brilliant plan that we would live on the same budget (our house was actually less expensive than our previous rent) and use my income to pay down debt ASAP. I felt confident that I could find some sort of job that would be regular hours and a day care that we could trust before we ever even moved. I didn’t.

The move came and that first month of living in our new home, we were both home. I was so thankful for that time together. There was so much to do, and I was grateful that we could help our son adjust and settle in without either of us having to rush to work. When my husband started his program and spent his first week working exactly 81 hours, I had another rush of relief… how would I do all of this and work full time? However, I continued my job search until one frustrated day, after snapping at my husband for no real reason, he said, “I think you need to stop looking for a job. Do me one favor, just wait until December.” In the moment, this infuriated me. Who was he to tell me what to do with my life? I already left everything I knew to follow him here, if I wanted a job, I would get one. But, sanity hit, and I realized he was right. He was stressed and any stress that I brought to the table pushed us over the edge of what we could handle. In addition, we were trying for another child also, something that wasn’t happening near as easily as we thought it would. When it did happen, this would be a big life stress. Why would I get a job just to hopefully go on maternity leave? Would I even want to work with a brand new baby? Would it be profitable? I wanted to want to stay home… but I couldn’t make myself love the idea and this made feel extraordinarily guilty. I wanted this child so badly; shouldn’t I want to be with him all day, every day?

 I vowed to take his advice. Just stay home. Ha,” just stay home” is a ridiculous phrase. I was so wrong about what stay at home moms do! I work an absurd amount harder now than I ever did in the ICU… and I frequently never sat down, even to pee, for 13 hours straight in my ICU days. Now, I work 24/7 with pretty much no break. I have to do lists that are never done and I have no one to take over as my shift is never over. Just recently, when a nasty GI bug hit me, I realized I no longer have the ability to call in sick… I felt horrendous and desperately wanted to curl up in bed, but I had nobody to take over for me. When this same bug hit my son, I learned that I still get the pleasure of cleaning up every type of gross body fluid imaginable. That was not something I missed about the ICU! When, in a period of five minutes, my son puked on the couch and then pooed in the tub, I began to miss the ready-access I had to latex-free gloves.  I once left him outside in our fenced in back yard for a brief moment alone so I could go use the ladies room and returned to find our gate open and him on the other side of the street checking the mail. This made me miss always having a second nurse around to look out for me if I needed a second. It also brought the harsh reality that if someone were hurt due to my negligence it would be worse than losing a license; it would mean losing my child and the fault would be 100% mine. 

Since staying home, I find myself losing my temper with him far more than I ever did when I was working. My son is two, and like most two year-olds, he is very busy. He is very strong willed, and sometimes, after a particularly difficult day, I watch the clock waiting for 5 pm when I find it acceptable to have a glass of wine. I love my child, but I don’t always enjoy playing trains for hours on end when I have a to-do list a mile long waiting for my action. I will never love chasing him around with his clothing, literally begging him to be still so we can get dressed and get out the door. I don’t like discovering the food I make him being fed to the dog or thrown on the floor, and temper tantrums make me want to throw myself on the floor and scream. One minute, I find myself swelling with pride at his verbal ability, and the very next, wanting to a dig a hole in the ground and disappear with his words (namely when he clearly stated, “You’re fat, don’t see me” to my overweight relative at my grandfather’s funeral). When he insists on using the potty (and immediately demanding a marshmallow when he sprinkles 3 tiny drops into the pot) and ten minutes later pees through the undies he demanded to wear and onto my couch, I find myself trying not cry.

The constant power struggle is exhausting and I give in to him on things I know I shouldn’t. He drinks too much chocolate milk, watches too much TV, and eats too much macaroni and cheese. Every day is a battle for independence and I am pretty sure I am not gaining any ground. Our days are filled with mundane tasks and happy little moments. Yet, I still find myself checking out job postings and longing to apply. As much as I love answering his constant questions and his extraordinary joy at the tiny things in life, like getting stopped at a train track, I will probably always miss my old life.  I don’t really believe that I was designed to do this forever, but I am grateful that I get to do it now. After all, when in my life will I be able to do this again? My son will never be two again. I will never get to hear him “vrooming” his trucks down the hall and see him chasing the dog outside. I will get one opportunity to answer the questions, “how do plants grow?, “What does special mean?, and “Where is God?” It is hard, thankless work, but somehow, there are moments of unbelievable gratification, brief glimpses that tell me, “You’re doing alright.” Advice from wonderful women in Side by Side (a national organization for Christian medical wives) and women from the Facebook LDW group made me realize that it takes time to grow into this new role and I must take time for myself. I do have some spare moments, if I let myself. My floors don’t have to be spotless, my bathrooms don’t have to be scrubbed, and I don’t need to cook a gourmet meal every night. I was encouraged to join some women’s groups and have and the interaction with the women I have met is absolutely essential to helping me maintain my sanity. I have started to carve out a small amount of time to do something I want to do at least once a week, rather than making time to do only the things I feel obligated to do. This is no small feat for me, as I am usually overwhelmed with the obligatory tasks, and find it near impossible to squeeze anything else in. However, I have discovered that moments I carve out painting something for our walls or working on a scrap book, taking an excessively long shower, painting my nails, or reading the New York Times bring enough happiness and sense of self to make each moment “wasted” worth the small stress that having foot prints on my wood floors brings me. By no means do I consider myself an expert in mommyhood. In fact, I would like to meet the woman who does. But each day, I learn and grow. Some days, I can’t wait until that promised date in December. Then the next day comes, and my child wakes up and tells me, “Mommy, you are my princess,” and I pray that I get to do this forever.  

Stressed?

At a recent doctor's visit, my physician asked me how I was handling the stress of medical school. He is a great doctor and one of the many things that make him awesome in my book is his acknowledgment that being the spouse of guy in medicine can bring stress into a girl's life. He knows our family fairly well so we got to talking about how I am doing with it all. By the end of the visit I was reminded once more that stress is normal and as I left his office I started thinking of all the things I do that help reduce my stress levels and if I was doing any of them. I'm pretty certain we can all agree that moving constantly, acquiring tremendous amounts of debt, and the financial strain during medical school and residency are a great concoction for stress. With that in mind, I came up with my top favorite free and 'can do anywhere' stress reducing activities.

Reading-

I am a serious book worm so reading ranks pretty high on the list. Thank goodness for public libraries because being at SAHM does not pay well. If you like reading and especially if you have kids, I really recommend you get a library card and take advantage of such wonderful public service. Not only can you get books but also DVD's like Zumba and Downtown Abbey (both major stress reducers in my life). If you are lucky, your library may even have some really hip and cool folks who have awesome activities for your kids and you. Honestly, libraries rock!

Exercise-

Nothing clears my head like exercise. My hubby likes to run, however I experience severe discomfort when running so I am more of a walker and a hiker (you know what I mean, it sounds weird just now). Luckily, we live near many beautiful trails so I take advantage of them. My kiddo can strap his helmet on, get on his bike and off we go. Some days I am very lucky and my hubs will take said kid and play with him while I go on a trail and try to get lost. If the weather is awful and I can't get outside that's where Zumba comes in handy. Sure, I can't dance to save a life but hey...no one is watching! I really, really hope no one is watching.

Volunteering-

I can read and dance all the day long but sometimes what really helps me stay healthy is volunteering. I volunteer at my son's school because he still likes me and wants me there. I also help out at our church office whenever possible. Helping at these places makes me happy and they also help in keeping some job skills up to date. If I get fired as a SAHM, I may need another form of employment. Volunteering also forces me to speak to other adults and be part of a team of 'big people' not just a five year old and his bevy of imaginary friends. Plus, I like to think I am being helpful and that in itself is worth the effort of volunteering.

Faith-

Lastly, this is one is not for everyone but I have faith in something much greater than me so prayer is my saving grace most days.

I know time is not freely given to many of you and finances do not permit retail therapy or lunch with girlfriends every week so I hope this post reminds you of at least one thing you enjoy doing that is free and can be done anywhere. My sincere hope is that in the midst of the medical journey your family is enjoying the ride and not just waiting for a destination. I know...we hear that all the time!!! But, seriously enjoy your week and may be share with us what you do to relieve stress.

Judith

Just Keep Swimming

As the past 8 years have passed, I have become more and more used to my husband’s crazy schedule.  This last 5 months of residency are becoming the hardest months that we have endured during our marriage.  We will still have another year of training after this, the here and now is hard.  I take huge security in the fact that my husband and I are able to communicate about anything, but it still doesn’t change the long months of time my husband spends away from our familial unit.  The part that is harder than those long months is that when he is here, his time is filled with a horrid schedule to make up for the time that he has been away.  Essentially, he is here and yet he is not here.  It’s driving me crazy. 

I am over the brunt of my feelings on the subject.  It’s a form of mourning, I think.  I am to acceptance, I think.  I’ve also come to the realization that the strength we have in our communication and love for one another is what will see us through.  I can see how couples find themselves in situations of unhappiness during this process. 

In the words of Dory on Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”

 

Enlightened…and Proud

I’ve been in this game of medical wife for 8 long years now.  In all this time, I would sometimes stumble upon a great story that another wife had heard about or from her husband and how it all hit home and made the long hours (both at work and away from family) worth it.  Yesterday, that moment finally happened to me.

Last week, Doc came home and mentioned this rough case about a little girl who had gotten a peanut in her lung.  She was a little over a year old.  He didn’t mention anything else, other than they were able to take care of her and that she would recover.

Last night, a friend emailed me asking if Doc was available to do her anesthesia during her due date.  She was telling me how her husband, a third year med student, was raving about Doc.  I emailed her back to answer her question, and curiosity got to me.  I asked her if her husband had recently worked with Doc, or if he had just heard that he was doing a great job? 

Today, she emailed me back to tell me that her husband is in surgery right now and that last week he was in a case when Doc was taking care of this little girl who had a peanut in her lungs.  She then said that her husband told her, “[Doc] did awesome.. like he was the one who kept her alive" during the procedure.  My modest husband left out a crucial part of this picture for me.  I’m just glad I got the info from someone else.

Hearing this makes me happy.  First, I want to say that I am love to be at home with my kids and only work part time.  I cherish all the moments I get with them, including the ability to be involved in all the important things in their lives.  Some people react when they hear that I have a husband that is a doctor and that I stay at home like I live some entitled life.  They don’t realize that we barely make more than the average teacher.  Yes, someday we will make more, but that’s not been our life in the past 8 years.  Instead it has been the accumulation of huge debt, and the absence, many times, of our husband/father.  We love our lives and would never change a single thing if we could. 

Second, it makes me realize how important my staying home is to our family.  Guys, I get to work at home to make our home life as quiet and organized as possible so that my husband can go out and save lives!!  How exciting is that?  I’m so proud to know that in supporting my husband and his dreams of a medical career, that I am also enabled to indirectly help him save lives!!  Children’s lives!!

I celebrate that and hope that all of you out there who do for your family feel that exhilaration in doing so.

Next on my list? Pick up the kid from school! ;-)

Stresses of Life

although i'm only in my second year as a "doctor wife" i have already learned a lot. my husband and i have been married for almost 4 1/2 years and we just had our third baby in june. i've always thought of myself as a fairly balanced individual and one who doesn't stress out too easily. that felt like it was all going to come crashing down on me at times last fall.

one day my sister posted a link to an article from our church magazine written in 1994. the title "the stresses of life" first caught my eye and i didn't realize until i went back to read it that it was an article my mom had written. my mom is a social worker and very good at what she does (of course, i'm completely biased!). you can read it here (http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=e45f425e0848b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD) if you're interested. yes, i am lds (or mormon), but whether you are or not, i think there are definitely some good things to glean from this.

another good read is "spin sisters" by myrna blyth (if you look up the complete title you'll also know my political persuasion : ) and that's okay by me!). i recommend the book to everyone, but blyth has a chapter on stress toward the beginning that i think is really worth reading. it changed my way of thinking. it really helped me to see that we create so much of our own stress - and there is no need to. not only do we not need to, we shouldn't!

another thing i'd like to share is something i talked to my mom about last fall. i knew we were where we needed to be (still do and still are!) but i was often having a hard time with things (i had two boys 2 and under with a baby girl on the way). things often came down to me saying/thinking, "i know we need to be here for spencer. he needs to be in school at osu. we are where we need to be." my mom pointed out that if it's the right thing for us as a family and for spencer as an individual, it's the right thing for me as an individual - not just as a support for spencer, but for me to grow into the kind of person that i need to be and that God wants me to become. if we're here for spencer it means we're here just as much for me. at that point i started praying differently. it was no longer asking for help to be happy with my situation but to help me know what my purpose here is and to be happy with that.

something that i will continue to learn is to have zero expectation when it comes to spencer - not because he's a horrible husband and doesn't help, but because his schedule is such that he can't help in all the areas he'd like to. i've also lowered my expectations on what i want done around the house. i have three kids and they are my priority. i've also stopped feeling bad for not doing certain tasks around the house because if spencer really wanted them done, he could find the time to do it himself. i'm just grateful that he doesn't care so much about those things either and that he would rather spend his time with me and the kids when he has the chance.

faith

Safety First!

So this past week, my hubby has pretty much been on call every other night meaning that my week was shot and that I spent many nights alone in bed. Many of us are at the point in our lives where our husbands are gone sometimes more than they are home it seems, and if you aren't there, you will be soon!

One of these nights, I had just gotten both boys in bed and headed back into the living room to finish tidying up and close down the computer when I heard a loud noise rustling out my front window. Both my dog Brinkley and I stopped and listened very intently on what was going on. It sounded like someone was messing with the car, was walking up the steps and then was on our front patio messing with something!!!

I quickly looked at the front door to make sure it was locked and looked around for something I could use to defend myself. How much damage do you think a Disney Mack Truck toy could do to a burglar? Well, I didn't want to find out, so I flipped on the porch light thinking that it might scare whatever it was away........well, much to my surprise, it was a HUGE skunk right in my front garden.....thank the Lord!

So that night, as I laid in bed, (a little rattled of course) I started thinking about what I would do if someone tried to break in my home. I thought well, Morgan is in this bedroom with me (we are still living in the nursery due to our master upstairs still being under construction), Grant is next door, and to exit to the nearest door you have to pass through the main hall and would be seen by the burglar....hmmmm. Then I remembered that since we had a very old, house none of our doors shut or lock, great(don't worry we are slowly remodeling everything). Then I remembered we finally had gotten the bathroom door to lock, SUCCESS! But then I remembered it has a tiny window that I couldn't get out of and neither Tom or I could get it open last week when it was nice outside. Great, now I'm locked in the bathroom with no way out!

I thought and thought about an escape route or even if I got out what I would do next. If I hid with the boys somewhere and called the police how long could I keep 2 rambunctious boys quiet after being yanked from their beds in the middle of the night. If I called Tom, there's no guarantee I would even be able to get a hold of him, as most the times I call he is busy with a delivery......well I finally fell asleep with these thoughts swirling through my head, thoughts that never had crossed my path while living in our town house in Tulsa surrounded by students I knew, or when living at my parent's house for the last 8 months (no one is going to mess with a 6'4" giant with numerous guns in his house, thanks Dad).

The next morning I chatted about it to Tom and then I thought of all you ladies and women all over the world who are home alone in the evening while their hubbies are off at work. What do they do, what would YOU do? Do you have a plan in place? Do you have protection? I would love to hear some ideas, what you have in place, or a great resource that comes to mind! Thanks for sharing!

To Stay at Home or Not

One of the issues that many couples face as they have children in a medical marriage is whether the wife should quit the workforce and stay at home with their children.  Every situation is different and every woman feels differently.  I had both stayed home and worked a fulltime job while raising 2 kids.  In my experience, it has been wonderful for our family for me to stay home.  There are less stressors in my marriage, more time for my sons and less headache and personal guilt for myself with respect to my family, job and friends.  Although I don’t usually express opinions in matters that are of a more personal nature, I will officially say that I think everyone should consider this situation if it is possible in your marriage while you husband/wife is in medical training.  I suspect, though I am not sure, that after training I will feel the same way about staying home even when my husband is a practicing physician.  We shall see when we get there.
I have two children with my husband and  I began staying home with my oldest son when he was born.  I finished out my year as a high school math teacher and thoroughly enjoyed the ability to see Bert everyday and never miss anything new that he did.  Everything went to plan until he turned 1.  Once he became mobile and started throwing temper tantrums, things became harder and soon I was aching to go back to work.  There are a couple reasons why I think this happened:  I was not involved in other things and I didn’t use parent’s day out—Basically, I didn’t have anything to keep me busy.  Everything was about Bert—that wasn’t working.  I also suspect that at 25, I was not mentally ready to stay home and be just Mom.  I loved my son, but I still craved that outside “attention” that being at home just didn’t provide me.  I sought out other employment and soon became a Realtor.  Bert began going to daycare fulltime and I went to work.  This plan lasted for a while.  I continued working and we bought a house (I had to go back to teaching if we wanted a house because I was not established as a Realtor and I was not making enough money—staying home was not something that we even thought about at the time).  Soon, the ache of wanting another child began and I got pregnant with Ernie.  I had Ernie at the end of my school year, had the summer off with the boys, and then went back to school for a second year of teaching.  Ernie started daycare at 4 months of age, and although I was okay with going back to work and sending him to daycare, I realized that there was not a moment all summer long where I wanted to work.  I was not excited at all about starting the new school year, but I was okay with it.  Staying home still did not cross my mind.  Several things happened in the next few months that changed my outlook. 
I realize that some of you cannot stay home.  Either you must work or you need to work.  It isn’t for every family.  I do believe it deserves major consideration for every family—and I do believe that every family should try to leave that an option if things are not working out during medical training.  There are things you can do to enable you to stay home.  I have found that even with the cut in pay because I was not able to work that tutoring job at my old school, our finances have not suffered in any way.  We still have cable, we still have spending money, we go out to eat, I have a gym membership and we eat very well.  We are frugal in some ways and not in others.  If I lost both of my part time jobs, we would have to cut back, but we would be able to work it out and keep me at home—and most importantly, we would make it work.