Med School Madness

 The Q and A. Part 2.

(Finally)

A long time ago, in what feels like a galaxy far away, before yet another move and other things on the way, I wrote a little blog post about the lives of several Student Dr. Wives.  It was great fun to ask the LDW girls a few questions and more fun still to read their well thought out responses.  If you are interested in reading that post, you can find it here (http://doctorwives.blogspot.com/2013/06/med-school-madness-theq-and-part-1.html).  That was part one; today I am finishing up that conversation.  In the first post, we talked about some of the shared realities of medical school and what it’s like to be the partner of those who attend medical schools all over the US.  We talked about adjusting to MS, finances, study time and such.  Today, I’d like to finish by posting about some of the emotional matters of being the partner of a medical student.  Again, I’d like to thank Jessie, Tabatha, Jennifer, Rachel, Amanda, Mia and Margaret whose answers made these posts much better than anything I could have done on my own.  I wish you could read all their responses. These ladies are far more gifted as story tellers and writers than I can ever be.  They should tell their own stories and I hope they can guest post  but until that time comes, thank you ladies for allowing me to share your answers.  Thank you!

Now then, let’s get started.

First question, I can’t be the only worrier.  What worries you now about your Student Dr?

Jessie- Getting through Step 1 and away rotations. His first rotation, starting July 1, will take him about 90 minutes away for three months. It’s going to be tough.

Tabatha- My hubby has already begun to worry about the dreaded "L" word. Lawsuit. He does not handle rejection or failure well. I worry about how he is already concerned about this in ways he shouldn't be (stressed out, losing sleep, etc)

Margaret- I’m definitely concerned about how residency will impact our fledgling marriage. Quality time is important to both of us and I think it will be hard to start our marriage in a new city at the same time DrH starts residency. I think we will both learn a lot about flexibility and generosity in these first few years!

Rachel- Time management and the hectic scheduling of fourth year. I feel like there's so many things he will be juggling at once, away rotations during applying for residency, traveling again for step 2, traveling for interviews. He is not a person who "stops" when there's something else he can do. He just keeps going and going until there is nothing left on his to-do list. That has worked thus far and got him a long ways during the lecture years, but now he is going to have to learn how to sleep when things are left undone until tomorrow.

As you look back, is there one thing you wish you had done differently? AND/OR what are some things you got right?

Tabatha- I know a lot of couples have kids before or during medical school but I am so glad we decided to wait to have kids. I feel like it took a huge stress off us. It was a hard decision to make (we both REALLY want kids) but I'm glad we decided to wait to start a family.

Margaret- Being flexible and making the most of the time we did have together, even when our schedules conflicted and limited that time.

Amanda- I have become a much more flexible person and learned a lot about myself.  I also made some of the best friends of my life with the Spouses Organization.  

Jessie- I am SO glad I went to law school. It is definitely possible to go back to school after kids are grown, but it seems like a much harder road than getting all the education you want and getting some experience under your belt before starting a family. I only wish both of us could have gone straight through; a year off between college and law school for me and three years off for my husband before medical school have delayed the possibility of starting a family.

Rachel- I wish we would have moved into a smaller place after we got married. I also think the sooner you can look at the true picture of finances in the many years to come, the better. I think waiting to start a family (was the right decision), even though that wasn't our original plan. It is a highly personal decision but going into a surgical specialty after medical school, we have eight years at a minimum until DrH will be out of training

As you look forward, what are some of your goals personally and as a couple who belong to the medical community?

Tabatha-My goals personally are to find a job that will allow me to be home more. As a couple we hope to just keep up what we're doing and make it through this crazy journey. Eventually, (after residency) we hope to end up back in Oregon where hubby can practice for a few years and then return to his school as faculty.

Margaret-We are hoping to start our family soon, so we will be striving to nurture our young marriage and cultivate a strong, loving home environment for our children while juggling the stresses of medical training.  As a couple, we feel very strongly that it is important to develop relationships within our community and to support doctors and medical couples who are younger in their training.  We hope to be a light to our community just as others have been lights to us.

Amanda-Our goals are to get a residency in our home state, with the full knowledge that we may end up a million miles away.  We’d like to have kids, a house and may be more cats. The future is exciting!

Rachel- To stay involved and be humble and stay anonymous. We want to give to the causes we choose and make an impact through volunteering, and then go on our merry way and enjoy the little time we have with our family together.

Jessie-I’d like for us to be more than just a doctor and his wife. That is, I don’t want my husband defined only by his job title, and I certainly don’t want to be defined as only an extension of him and his job title. That’ll be tough in our society, which is dragging its knuckles on the path to gender equality, and particularly in my religious community, where I am often asked first what my husband does, rather than what I do. If, at some point, I am a stay-at-home mom, I intend to wear that badge with honor, and I hope to contribute even the tiniest bit to an increase in society’s respect for the work mothers do. I can’t contribute that way if I allow myself to be defined as a “doctor’s wife.” I guess, essentially, I want both of us to preserve and proclaim our individual identities rather than being content to nestle into the boxes people will no doubt try to shove us into.   

Secondly, I hope we can hang onto our material perspective. I grew up in extreme poverty (extreme for the United States, that is), and my husband comes from simple means as well. I hear a lot of my colleagues and a lot of doctors’ families lament how little money they make and how hard it is to stretch their six-figure incomes (talking about after residency, clearly), and I fear falling into the same jaded mindset. No idea how we’ll instill the right perspective in offspring who, when asked, will have to answer that their parents are a doctor and a lawyer. Any advice there would be greatly appreciated.

Lastly, since our purpose at LDW is to support the medical spouse, I asked the girls share about a person who has encouraged them through the medical journey aside from their spouse. 

The unanimous response was that other medical wives get it.  They make a huge difference.  All those who answered stated that another MS girl has been just what the doctor ordered.  GO US! Jessie did bring up her puppy.  For her, her pup was a gift during the lonely times and Rachel had this to say:

“I have met many other significant others and spouses of medical students, but it wasn't until I found the right one who became a great friend almost instantly as soon as we started hanging out, that I found someone that could travel the road through medical training with me. Having someone to talk to who understand without judgment is HUGE. No one else will outside of this, nor should we expect them to. As we will never understand truly what someone else's spouse goes through in their field. It's great to have someone to call on those long days DrH is in surgery or on call, who is newly married with the time constraints our spouses have, who can share their insight on setting up housing for away rotations or finding the best deals for flights for interviews. If you meet someone who can truly go through this experience with you, it will be hard not to come out on the other side friends for life.”

Thank you all for reading and checking out our blog. I learned a ton from doing this post.  I was reminded how import support is during the medical school years and how fast the time truly goes by.  This journey is temporary, it’s best to remember whatever trouble you see today will soon pass away.  If you don’t have a medical friend yet, hang in there and come visit our FB group, many of us are getting the encouragement and the advice we need in there.  Until next time!

My husband is a med school applicant. In fact, he's been a med school applicant twice.

written by: anonymous

My husband is a med school applicant. In fact, he's been a med school applicant twice.

Yup, that's right. This is the second go 'round for him. In fewer than 12 months, we're on application cycle number two. Dos. Twice as money schools this time. Twice as much money (at least--fingers crossed for many interviews). Twice has much time waiting for this whole doctor train to finally depart from the station.

I know it's typical of wives to brag about their husbands, but mine really is top notch (I'm sure yours is, too). He went to a public-Ivy for undergrad. He decided to be a doctor after studying business, and then banged out his pre-reqs in one year--with a 4.0. He teaches, tutors, volunteers, works, and studies like crazy. He got a 94% percentile MCAT score...They guy really is not dumb.

But neither is anyone else applying to med school. (Well, I have my suspicions, but really, the application process is so tedious and complex that I really think someone has to be at least of average intelligence to even figure out AMCAS.)

About this time last year, my husband had just taken the MCAT. FYI, it's already early July right now. The score wasn't returned until August, there were some straggling letter writers, and a few nervous personal statement revisions, and his fifteen applications were finally submitted in early September. We thought we were sitting pretty.

Well, we were. Kind of.

Secondaries came in from both coasts and the Midwest. In an effort to save some money, he concentrated on the secondary applications for schools in our current state. All three schools offered him an interview. Of those, two offered wait list spots.

We're still waiting.

There is an extremely small chance he will get phone call inviting him to fill a spot on the first day of class. My guess is that we saved between $500 - $1500.00 not filling out every single secondary that came through the door (I say up to $1500 to budget in for potential interviews requiring flights and hotels). Any guesses on how much the second cycle has already cost?

$1,500. (So far.)

Life is funny like that.

 After doing some soul searching and self flagellation, we learned a few things:

1. Future Doc is a competitive applicant. He was lucky enough to have an internal med resident friend review his CV with two admissions counselors at a top public university who said he is a great applicant. This friend is a straight shooter, so we're trusting what she tells us. This is the most important thing, because it's kept him (us, really) confident. You have to be confident.

2. Applying in early September is way too late. I can't tell you how many conversations we've had that start out with, "If we knew then what we know now...". The truth is that we had no clue early September was so late in the game. People take the MCAT in August! Sure, we would have preferred he was ready to go Day One, but between his classes and jobs, there was no way to effectively study for the MCAT. His score was worth the July test date. But early September was way too late. Why? Because there a bunch of people exactly like my husband ready to go at 9:00 AM as soon as admission open. Because there a bunch of people way smarter than we were, or who had better intel than we did, just ready to get those applications verified and sent out to schools. Apply early.

3. Saving money on application fees is not a smart move. At all. Really. Like, don't do it. I would rather be writing this post from the Middle of Nowhere Med School than writing this one. It sucks seeing your mate unhappy and self-conscious. It sucks pushing your plans back another year because you were trying to be financially responsible. It sucks spending that same money (and then some) on the same process while you replay your mistakes in your head over and over again. Did I mention this process kind of sucks? As much as I wanted to deny this fact, the $3,000 - $5,000 you may spend on applications fees are worth a year. Until there is a shiny, happy acceptance letter in your hot little hand, don't stop applying. Start curbing application fees when there's a guarantee he's going somewhere. If he'd prefer MD, there's not reason to spend $500 on a flight and hotel to that DO interview. But until he gets what he wants, just keep churning those puppies out. Apply broadly, and fill out secondaries. All of them.

4. Staying positive is the most important. We already know he's a strong applicant. We already know he knows how to interview. We know he's put the hay in the barn and the rest is awaiting this crap-shoot process to work itself out. Until that happens, though, we're staying as positive as possible. Yes, we have to wait a year, but it's one more year we have together before life gets really nuts. Yes, this process is expensive, but we're both working this year (which hasn't happened in years!) and we'll be able to pay for it, pay down some debt, and maybe even put money into savings. Since he applied all over the place this year, we're thisclose to the possibility of living in a new state and starting all over again. That's pretty exciting stuff, and we're pretty lucky to have the chance to bounce around a bit (remind me of this when we're moving for his fellowship).

So, that's it, four things we've learned so far. It's expensive, it's hard, it's time consuming and nerve wracking. But, we've been here before and lived through it, and this time we're a little smarter (and more desperate, maybe?), and will figure out how to make it work. And with that, on to editing another secondary...

Med School Madness

The Q and A … Part 1

A while back I read a blog post that reminded of me of how uniquely awesome we all are. Specifically, medical school wives. We are all on the same road but we are experiencing it differently. I wanted to write about those experiences so I enlisted the help of several women whose husbands are in medical school or just finished. They are all in different stages so I was really excited to ask them a few questions. I sent out the same questions to all of them and I received wonderful responses. As I got back answers I started to see a theme forming. All of them value a positive and flexible attitude. Professionally, they are a diverse group. This group of girls include a flight attendant, volunteers, nannies, a writer and editor and wives whose work is now at home.

In this post I will concentrate on a few practical realities of medical school wives. I will share their responses on finances and their lifestyle as a medical school family.

The contributors* to these posts are Tabatha and Jennifer whose husbands are now done with MSII and are preparing for STEP 1. Rachel and Amanda whose Student Dr. H completed MSIII.. Lastly, Mia and Margaret are currently celebrating the completion of MSIV, my congratulations to them and their husbands! What an exciting time.

Now, Lets get to their responses!

Q-Has your lifestyle as a medical family changed dramatically since the start of medical school or has it been more of the same?

A- Most of the girls who have been with their spouses since undergrad state that this is 'more of the same'. Those who feel differently are a bit non-traditional.

Amanda-Our lifestyle has definitely changed dramatically! We became a one income household and we moved very far away from home. I had to adjust to some culture shocks and start to accept that studying and catching up on sleep comes before anything else. She adds that most household issues are her responsibility.

Margeret- DrH is MD/PhD and we met during his last year of research, so he started MS4 about five months into our relationship. The med school months were definitely different from the research months, but it was good to get that experience! He also had tougher rotations toward the beginning of MS4, so by the time we hit the last few months, his schedule was pretty cushy and we got a lot of good time together as we prepared for our wedding!

Q- Many things during MS take an adjustment period. What are some things that took you by surprise and gave a moment or two to adjust?

A-

Jennifer- The competitive nature of med school and the hierarchy that exists between the different classes, and even the competitiveness between his classmates.

Tabatha-The biggest aspect of medical school that took me by surprise was the emotional toll it took on my husband. I knew it would be demanding mentally and very time consuming but I was completely unprepared for the emotional breakdowns my husband would have to endure. I felt helpless as I would try to support him without knowing how. You can only tell someone so many times it's all going to be okay before you yourself stop believing it. But eventually it DID get better. In fact, it got better than I would’ve ever imagined!

Rachel-Our first away rotation. It was technically a "rural rotation" his third year for family medicine, but it was a hard two weeks getting used to him being gone. It was a great trial run before what is to come: three months of back-to-back away rotations this summer.

Amanda-The amount of time required to study! I also think the studying and time constraints surprised me because we had both been out of college and in the work force for several years, so we were used to working hard, working double shifts, overtime, and holidays. It was more shocking than my spouse expected to become a professional student again! Never mind studying for Step I and Step II, I don't see him for weeks!

Mia- Tests! I wasn't prepared for the constant testing, studying for tests, “test weeks” and then boards, too.

Margaret-Learning to think of a scheduled shift as more like...guidelines. I got REALLY stressed out once because DrH was more than 90 minutes late coming home from the hospital and totally unreachable by phone/text. I actually drove from his house to the hospital to check for wrecks along the road. Of course, it turned out that he'd just been in a different room from his phone with a patient who was coding. I am a planner, so it took me a while to realize that shift times are not set in stone and to be more flexible with them.

Q-When I speak to pre-med couples, the topic most often discussed is finances. Is this subject a source of stress for your household or has it been surprisingly uneventful?

A-

Jennifer- The financial stress is always a current running underneath everything. I would say our biggest fights are sparked because of stress concerning finances. I know that we'll be able to pay back our loans, but it is hard to think about the amount of debt we are accumulating. She also notes is difficult to continually say 'no' to her kids on things they want but trust this is building good character in them.

Amanda-What a headache! My spouse has his first B.A. in Finance so we went into MS with a beautiful color coded excel spreadsheet...and to make a long story short...we no longer use said spreadsheet at all! The Spouses Organization set me up with a sponsor and she told me "don't worry about the money, the loans cover everything". And she was so right!

Mia- Our savings combined with student loans allowed us to comfortably cover all of the MSIV expenses while allowing me to stay home with our son and travel on interviews with my husband. We were careful with our money and planned for the future, which made finances (nearly) stress-free.

Most of the girls are awesome planners, most mentioned they live 'simply' and enjoy wise shopping and I was surprised at how much some of them enjoy spreadsheets and financial planning. Most also manage their household finances.

Q-Lastly, for those who transitioned from classroom to rotations in MS3, tell us what that is like?

Rachel- Rotations are a thousand times better than classroom! You will go on a new adventure every month. Your spouse will have a personality not laced with anxiety, again!

Amanda-For us the transition to clinic was AMAZING! We are now closer to home and not having the intense study schedule has led to a much happier and pleasant med student . As I sit here writing this evening everything is great.

Mia-My husband was much happier during rotations than he was in the classroom. This reflected in every aspect of life for us. He has always studied at home, so he wasn't around quite as much. But, there was much more quality home time during rotations.

I want to end this by sharing that although some things are very difficult most of the girls in this group expressed a positive view on medical school. I noticed the tone became a bit lighter when rotations in MS3 started. It's fair to point out that those who are done mentioned med school goes by fast and we should enjoy more and worry less but understand that is easier said than done. I want to thank Amanda, Tabatha, Rachel, Jennifer, Mia and Margaret for their contributions.

Don't forget this is the first part of this Q and A and next time on Med School Madness we will touch on friendships, what these girls worry in regards to their husband, a little on time management and goals. I'm excited to post that!

Thanks for reading!! :)

Judith

*While all these ladies are real, some of the names are not and they have been changed for privacy issues.

Frolic, I must!

I really want to write an awesome post for this blog one day. That day is not today. It will not be today because my husband is experiencing a case of Senioritis . A case so severe that it has contaminated that rest of the household, including yours truly. The case is extensive and advanced. To the point that I don't want to get much done other than frolic somewhere sandy and sunny. Senioritis, it seems has struck, making us a bit lazy and a lot delusional. Frolic? Please.

Perhaps your home also includes an MS husband suffering from this 'crippling disease'. How can you tell, you might wonder. Let's look to the wisdom of Urban Dictionary, shall we. It states that this 'disease' strikes HS seniors listing laziness, lack of studying, repeated absences and dismissive attitudes as some of its symptoms. In light of that description, I felt obligated to tell you that Seniorities does not affect only adolecents at the cuspt of young adulthood as UD would have us believe. Seniorities can also strike the mature, wise and hardworking mind of a medical student in the last few days of the school year. We were surprised by this. Really?! We said. We are adults, married and we are parents. Goodness. This should not be happening to us. But it has and it is. If Senioritis has struck your home, I wanted to share my story so you don't feel alone. You are not alone in thinking your husband could use a litle motivation to reach the end of the year, you are not alone in not getting those boxes packed or really, getting that pesky laundry all done. I've come to conclude our house will not fight Senioritis too much. It is what it is and soon, it will be gone. Soon our homes will be back to whatever our normal is, where odd schedules and little 'stressed out husbands' will reign once more. Let us not worry about this going on for far too long. When that worrysome thought enters your mind, just think STEP I, STEP II or the start of residency and picture us maintaning this blissful bubble forever. No, my friends this too shall pass.

Until the day when sweet freedom arrives, press on!

*Clearly a lot of this was written with a tongue in cheek tone and I hope no disrepect is felt by those suffering from a real illness.  

Don't Despair...You Are Not Alone

By Anonymous

During the process of your husband’s pursuit of his dream, becoming a doctor, did you ever have a moment where you seriously considered he may not be able to push through and make it to the end?  Being a part of the LDWs facebook page has made me realize that a lot of medical students have these moments.  Moments where they question the decision they have made, question if they are strong enough to make it through whatever barrier stands in front of them, moments that shake the core of their relationships, with their spouse, siblings, and parents because this process has the ability to make them feel completely alone; how could any one not in medical school really understand?

This is the story of our moment:

My husband was a high honors student during his undergraduate training.  He was Phi Beta Kappa upon graduation, did well above average on his MCAT, and got accepted to his choice medical school.  MS1 and MS2 were okay for him.  He struggled in some subjects, not because he was not smart enough to learn it but simply because of the rapid pace to which learning was expected.  He did poorly on his first exams in medical school and quickly determined what he was doing wrong in studying and adjusted it and brought his grades up.  Many of his grades were average to high average, which was disappointing to him being used to being an honors student but I was proud he was keeping his head above water.  I watched him study all day into the night and he would still be studying when I was getting up for work at 5:00 am the next morning.  He conquered things that would have broken me.  He never failed a class. He never failed a standardized exam. The opposite was true in fact, he exceeded many of his peers on his MCAT, USMLEs, and eventually his Board Exam.

The conclusion of MS2 was celebrated.  MS3 and MS4 were supposed to be a great time. We never met anyone who dreaded his or her clinical rotations.  Everyone was excited to get into the hospital, experience all of the different rotations, and really feel out the process for what they want to be when they grow up.  His first rotations were Psychiatry and Neurology.  These rotations were fairly easy and although he had a tough resident that did not allow them to get away with not reading up on their patients, he got through and did well. 

His second rotation was Pediatrics.  His pediatric rotation was split into two 4-week sections.  The first month for him was outpatient pediatrics some of which was at a specialty hospital following up on pediatric oncology patients in the outpatient setting.  The second month was Inpatient Pediatrics. 

My husband came home from his first day on his Inpatient Pediatrics portion of his rotation obviously in a bad mood.  He began explaining to me the call schedule, expectations, ‘pimping’, and the pressure.  He was expected to be at work at 5:30am for pre-rounding 7:00am for lecture, round on patients for 6-8 hours, stay the night for his call shift, go to lecture at 7:00am, and round on his patients before leaving.  It was essentially a 24-hour call schedule flanked by two normal working days.  When he was explaining this to me my immediate reaction was this is something that everyone goes through and it will just take time to get used to it, just like it took time to work out the kinks in studying during MS1 and MS2. 

Within the next week, he began explaining to me how he hated being in the hospital and honestly did not like the actual job of being a doctor.  My husband loves science.  He is a scientist at his core.  He could have easily been a Physicist.  He was convinced he had made a huge mistake pursuing this career.  At this point I immediately went into damage control.  He had been working toward getting into medical school through six years of undergraduate and now was in the beginning of his third year of medical school and he was seriously talking about quitting.  We were sitting in the tiny living room of our one bedroom, 600 square foot apartment; me on a chair and him on the furthest end sofa from me.  He kept trying to explain to me that he could not do it any more.  He did not want to step another foot in that hospital.  He did not want to return for his shift the next day.  He had his knees pulled up against his chest with his face hidden in his knees.  In all of our time together I have never seen him cry like this.  I have never seen such desperation on his face or heard it in his voice like I did that day.  He was begging me for permission to quit. 

This initial conversation was short in hindsight.  I quickly called my husband’s father, who is a physician.  I demanded he discuss his feelings with his dad and that he get medication. He was showing clear signs of acute situational depression and I was heavily burdened by the idea of him feeling too ‘trapped’ in this career.  Two students at his school in other health science fields had committed suicide that year.  It was too common of a statistic. The debt burden, feeling of letting your loved one’s down, and feelings of failure do not mix well with the personalities that make it this far in this career.  I certainly never wanted him to feel like this was his only option.  After he called his dad and talked though things he made THE calls.  The first call was to his Dean followed by a call to his attending in his Inpatient Pediatrics rotation.  He explained that he was overwhelmed and wanted to quit medical school.  He explained to them that he was sorry and that felt this was a bad career choice for him. 

Our world was crumbling before my very eyes.  It is impossible to work up to this life for eight years and not have very solidified ideas of what life would be like.  All of our visions for the future were getting scrapped.  We were now in the situation where we had to figure out what he was going to do for a career to even begin to pay back his student loans.  His bachelors degrees were in Evolutionary Biology and Biochemistry, both of which are useless for actually making money.     

His Dean discussed his options.  They allowed him to get credit for his outpatient pediatrics rotation and take a month off from school.  We packed our bags and went home.  We left everything in our apartment and took some much needed time to really discuss what he wanted and where that would be taking us.  For most of that month I completely avoided discussing going back to medical school, even though it was constantly at the back of my mind.  I let him have the break he needed to not think about the hospital and bring the subject up when he felt okay discussing it.  That time came around a week before he was supposed to return to school. Small things during that month, like seeing a beautiful house or a fancy sports car, would remind him of the life that we had planned.  Going into medical school was never about the money but it was certainly hard to see how we would have anything nice trying to climb out of medical school debt with no usable degree for him. During that talk, we discussed possible specialties, the requirements of each, the interaction each had with patients, inpatient versus outpatient specialties, and the radiology and pathology options.  He decided to return to school.  He felt mentally prepared for it.  He never returned to that hospital or that city, until graduation.  He finished his Inpatient Pediatrics rotation and all of his following rotations successfully and went on to graduate on time and match to his number one residency program, where he works with patients daily. He conquered the 30-hour call shifts, the pimping, and the pressure.  He is a great doctor. Many of his peers had no clue what happened to him and we never discussed it.

The path to becoming a doctor is isolating.  Each and every flaw is self-analyzed during the process of just trying to get into medical school.  The medical school interviews criticize anything less than perfection, trying to ensure that they are picking only those students who they feel deserve it, from all their hard work during undergraduate, keeping those grades as high as humanly possible, doing the appropriate amount of volunteer work, research, letters of recommendation, being well rounded, and so on.  That’s the catch though.  We are all human.  We all need support. We all struggle.  The mentality of medicine is that perfection is the only quality that is acceptable.  Just know, perfection is impossible and if you have had one of these moments you are not alone and it is possible to come back from the brink and be okay, thriving actually. 

Signed,

Anonymous       

Stressed?

At a recent doctor's visit, my physician asked me how I was handling the stress of medical school. He is a great doctor and one of the many things that make him awesome in my book is his acknowledgment that being the spouse of guy in medicine can bring stress into a girl's life. He knows our family fairly well so we got to talking about how I am doing with it all. By the end of the visit I was reminded once more that stress is normal and as I left his office I started thinking of all the things I do that help reduce my stress levels and if I was doing any of them. I'm pretty certain we can all agree that moving constantly, acquiring tremendous amounts of debt, and the financial strain during medical school and residency are a great concoction for stress. With that in mind, I came up with my top favorite free and 'can do anywhere' stress reducing activities.

Reading-

I am a serious book worm so reading ranks pretty high on the list. Thank goodness for public libraries because being at SAHM does not pay well. If you like reading and especially if you have kids, I really recommend you get a library card and take advantage of such wonderful public service. Not only can you get books but also DVD's like Zumba and Downtown Abbey (both major stress reducers in my life). If you are lucky, your library may even have some really hip and cool folks who have awesome activities for your kids and you. Honestly, libraries rock!

Exercise-

Nothing clears my head like exercise. My hubby likes to run, however I experience severe discomfort when running so I am more of a walker and a hiker (you know what I mean, it sounds weird just now). Luckily, we live near many beautiful trails so I take advantage of them. My kiddo can strap his helmet on, get on his bike and off we go. Some days I am very lucky and my hubs will take said kid and play with him while I go on a trail and try to get lost. If the weather is awful and I can't get outside that's where Zumba comes in handy. Sure, I can't dance to save a life but hey...no one is watching! I really, really hope no one is watching.

Volunteering-

I can read and dance all the day long but sometimes what really helps me stay healthy is volunteering. I volunteer at my son's school because he still likes me and wants me there. I also help out at our church office whenever possible. Helping at these places makes me happy and they also help in keeping some job skills up to date. If I get fired as a SAHM, I may need another form of employment. Volunteering also forces me to speak to other adults and be part of a team of 'big people' not just a five year old and his bevy of imaginary friends. Plus, I like to think I am being helpful and that in itself is worth the effort of volunteering.

Faith-

Lastly, this is one is not for everyone but I have faith in something much greater than me so prayer is my saving grace most days.

I know time is not freely given to many of you and finances do not permit retail therapy or lunch with girlfriends every week so I hope this post reminds you of at least one thing you enjoy doing that is free and can be done anywhere. My sincere hope is that in the midst of the medical journey your family is enjoying the ride and not just waiting for a destination. I know...we hear that all the time!!! But, seriously enjoy your week and may be share with us what you do to relieve stress.

Judith

Moving: Helping Children Adjust

Like many medical families, we are preparing to move this June.  Again. This will be our family’s third move in three years!  Moving can be taxing both physically and emotionally on adults, but we've found that it can be just as stressful for children. 

When we found out on match day that we would be moving twice: once for an intern year and once for residency, we were slightly overwhelmed at the prospect of loading up our house, moving to a new state, and then doing it all over again in just a year’s time.  At the time, our kids were just 4 and 2-years-old and I was pregnant with our third.  But we were mostly excited to have matched at our top choices.  The future seemed bright and though packing our house was a daunting task, we were mostly positive.

Our 4-year-old, however, began to exhibit symptoms of anxiety.  She started waking up in the night and even began wetting her pants during the day, things she hadn't done in almost 2 years!  She would constantly clear her throat and said it felt like there was something stuck in her throat.  She would ask us the same questions over and over and cry when we refused to keep repeating our answers. 

Worried about her, I took her to the pediatrician.  He told me this type of anxiety was normal in children when a big change was taking place in their lives, whether it be moving, a divorce, a new baby, a new school, a job change, etc.  He told me that the best thing I could do is love her and be patient with her and that she would get through it.

Here is how I used his advice and found the best ways to help my children cope with moving:

1)      Be positive.  At the end of my husband’s third year of medical school, we had the opportunity to move into a home because the owner could no longer take care of it.  In exchange for caring for the home, we got free rent.  The situation turned out to be less than ideal though, and I complained a lot.  My attitude rubbed off on my daughter who would constantly talk about how much she hated living there too!  I learned from that experience and the next time we moved I tried to keep my complaints to myself.   When I acted as though our big move out of state was an adventure, the kids went along with it and really learned to like our new home.

2)      Be adventurous.  When you first move to a new area you may feel disoriented and homesick.  Force yourself to get up and get out. Get to know the area, try out fun things, explore.  You will be happier and your kids will too.  If you are in a location temporarily this may be your only chance to explore that part of the country!

3)      Find friends.  I tend to be a home body.  When we moved to a new state for my husband’s intern year, I didn't feel highly motivated to make new friends because I knew we’d only be in that city for a year.  And making friends is a lot of work!  But I have a daughter who is extremely social and thrives on friendships with children her own age.  So I had to go outside my comfort zone and make new friends so that my daughter could have friends too.  I also immediately enrolled her in swimming lessons and preschool so that she could have more social experiences. Looking back it made our year in that city much more fulfilling for our entire family because we made some lasting relationships.  Plus, if you don’t have friends who will you call in a time of need?  Like when you go into labor in the middle of the night…

4)      Acknowledge their fears and get to the root of them.  Before moving out of state my daughter had some pretty serious panic attacks.  We just assumed her anxiety was about the move in general since she didn't vocalize what was bothering her.  Then one night when I was putting her to bed, I asked her calmly, “What do you worry about?”  She replied, “That when we move someone else will sleep in my bed.”  And then we understood where her anxiety was coming from and were better able to address it.  We also tried to acknowledge her fears rather than dismiss them.  From that point on I tried to involve her in the process of packing up her own things so she wouldn't worry about them being lost in the move.  I was also careful not to let her see me throwing things away as I “de-junked’ since she was worried about her things.

Parents can make moving a positive experience when they are sensitive to the impact a move will have on their children. Moving can actually be a positive experience, enhancing a child’s emotional and social growth, adaptability and self-confidence. If a move proves to be too much for you or your child, don’t hesitate to seek emotional help. What tips have worked for you in helping your kids adjust to a move?

Ten Tips for Surviving Medical School

by Desiree Jang

Hi LDW Readers! I wrote the following article 4 years ago as an MS-I Survivor, representing the “married with children” segment of our med school student advocate group. We are now grateful survivors of medical school and embracing residency life for the next few years. Everyone’s journey is different, but here are some of my practical survivor tips for the first year (or two!) of medical school when your student’s days are dominated by lectures and exams.

1. Send food – healthy food, snacks, entrees. Unmarried friends really appreciated my food, too! Not everyone has a family member nearby to feed them. At our campus there were no on-site food options aside from vending machines, and nothing within walking distance, really. Even if there had been, providing healthy options from home is a great life-saver when your student is learning about the horrors of junk food on the body. When I was out of town (which is a great test-week strategy), I froze lots of food back for him in individual containers.

2. Come visit often. Don’t be afraid of the school! It may not be a long visit, but students can’t study for hours on end without a break. We started med school with an infant, and taking him by for short visits was a highlight for my husband – and a welcome break for his classmates, too. Our little one was quite a popular stress reliever and some of my fondest memories of MSI-II are taking him to the school for study breaks.

3. Try to understand how busy students are. Keep the end goal in mind. Realize that everyone has a different schedule – some manage to study at home, some at Barnes & Noble, but my husband preferred to study in the library or a break-out room. That meant hours and hours away from home. I won’t lie – it was really tough. However, our down-sized space meant that the baby crib only fit in the office (or his desk only fit in the nursery, if you will) so it was really his only option. I’ve observed that different classes of students often study in similar ways – in our class, nearly everyone studied on campus. One thing that helped us was to have a “set time to call” – I asked him to call if he would be home later than x-o’clock. (For us, that was midnight. It seems extreme now that I type it). That way I didn’t have to bother him and didn’t have to worry.

4. Use technology to your advantage. It’s much easier to text than to talk during the day. Jumping on the smartphone bandwagon that first Christmas made our lives SO much easier. I was able to keep him updated on all the mundane details of our day. Even though he didn’t often or always respond, he liked feeling like he was part of our day. Later on, we used Facetime and Skype sessions during his away rotations. I also made sure to send frequent updates to both our families, even though “he’s studying, the baby and I are doing fine” got mundane after a while.

5. Set zero expectations – this goes for more than just chores! I shook my head when a friend of mine complained that between her husband’s crazy schedule and his chores at home, he never had time for family! Eliminating any chores or duties he had before med school will give you more family time. I’d much rather have him hanging out with us than mowing the lawn – and he was still helpful when I asked, he just didn’t have any set jobs. If your student is one of the “lucky ones” who has a photographic memory or likes washing dishes for stress relief, fantastic! But take away that expectation… For his unmarried friends, help from family was greatly appreciated – just picking up a bag of groceries, doing some laundry, or basic cleaning were all tasks they had trouble fitting in.

6. Remember you are their buffer… family and friends from life before med school will probably go through you (because your student may not ever answer their phone or reply to messages anyway). It was extremely helpful for my parents to attend Admitted Student Day and hear first hand that they needed to set zero expectations for students to attend family events. My husband missed my sister’s wedding, but because I didn’t make it a big deal, neither did anyone else. He was married to medicine now… it’s expected. I made sure to send pictures and updates to both sides of the family and quickly started blogging to keep everyone updated on our life in med school. If you keep giving information, you’ll get fewer “how is he / how are you / how do you like it?” messages.

7. Be an encourager. Students are constantly beaten down in medical school. That’s the natural result of taking a group of incredibly smart people in the same place… there’s bound to be a bottom 90%. Students are extremely competitive, and there aren’t many secrets in med school when it comes to exams. Students are going to have bad days. They will probably fail at least one exam, which has likely never happened before. At some point they are going to question if they are good enough, and if med school is the right decision. Your job is to keep encouraging them - one test doesn’t matter. It’s not unusual for a number of students to fail the first test. It often comes down to the final for most. Students will have bad days when they want to give up. Always stay positive. If you have no words, offer a hug. They need to hear that you believe in them and it will all be okay. On a side note, your life is also going to change dramatically, but it’s important not to vent to your student – make friends with other med school spouses / significant others, get involved in a local church, and use these people as your outlets. Word of wisdom: be careful whom you vent to – people who aren’t in a relationship with a medical student just don’t “get it”.

8. If your student is really struggling, encourage them to use resources available: MSIIs are great mentors and always willing to help, especially with practical things. The school has resources as well. A huge number of medical students experience depression and anxiety. It is in the school’s best interest for your student to succeed. Don’t doubt that they will want to help.

9. Just when you think you are never going to see your student again, one day he will show up at 5 o’clock and ask where dinner is! This usually happens after a big exam, so keep up with the test schedule on the school website if said student is too busy to tell you. Plan ahead for after test night. After big exams (in our case histo and anatomy were the big ones first semester) your student will be exhausted and will want at least a 3 hour break – or 12 hours in my student’s case. Use these times to relax and rejuvenate as a family. If you’re living far away, be sure to call your student after the test – send food, and be a support.

10. Find a mentor or mentors. Along our journey, before there was even a LDW blog or the Facebook group, I had people in my life ahead of us on the medical journey who encouraged me, listened to me, believed in me, and helped me find the joy in our often difficult journey. Join your local student advocate group, and attend things you’re invited to. If no group exists, invite some significant others over for coffee or a play date! You need face-to-face / individual interaction. As you survive past 1st and 2nd year, BE a mentor to new significant others in your shoes. It is rewarding and you make connections that will carry you through.

The first year will go by faster than you can imagine. Set zero expectations and you will rarely be disappointed, and sometimes be pleasantly surprised. Make friends with others in your situation, and you won’t feel so alone and you can bond over shared experience. Live each moment together with purpose. Don’t wait for the end of the semester, or graduation, or the end of residency to live your “real life”. This is your real life now. Embrace it and enjoy the ride with the rest of us. We can do this, together!

Graduation Gift Ideas?

My DH is graduating in a few short weeks and I have no idea what to get him! The excitement & stress of match-relocating-my job search-home search resulted in thoughts of graduation being put on the backburner.

Any suggestions out there?

Remembering the beginning...

We have a question from Casey:

***
I was just wondering if you could ask the wives on the Doctors Wives blog about advice for wives/girlfriends whose significant other is just starting med school. Things that they've learned in their personal experience that helped them greatly with getting through that first year.
***

I know we probably talked about this before, but with med school starting in only a few months, it might be nice to revisit the topic. So, let's hear what you have to say! Let's help some of the ladies new to the experience out. :o)

Reader Question: Military Scholarships in Med School

We have a question from reader Shanna:

My husband is going to be entering Medical School this coming fall and has been offered the Military Scholarship. We have asked around and heard a lot of bad/good things, and people who are completely for it and people completely against it.

Any thoughts/opinions about military scholarships you could share?

Thanks!

Baby Fever!!!

Hi! My husband is a soon-to-be MS1. I know it is going to be a major change of pace when he is in school, but I am here for him all the way! The one thing is... right now I am getting MAJOR baby fever. I wonder what everyone's opinions are on having a baby while your hubby is in medical school??

Away Rotations

For those of you still in medical school, I put together a post on my advice for away rotations. You can check it out here: Advice from a Doctor's Wife: Away Rotations.

For those of you MSIVs good luck - its a crazy, exciting and stressful year - but you will survive! Feel free to email me if you have any questions, would like any advice, or need to vent about applying to residency!

An Idea

so, I was thinking it would be neat to make a post with the info on the med school or residency program we are each at. We would want info like Insurance, Cost of average rent, Salary, perks, etc...also maybe detailed info on how the med school/residency experience has been including number of hours worked a week, how call is, etc.
I thought it might be helpful for people that get on here.

Anyone interested? Any ideas of how we could organize it?

Bye bye daddy.

So all of you moms out there that have been through this, any advice on when daddy leaves for multiple weeks at a time on away rotations. Of course we'll try to talk daily- might actually work out well for the kids' bedtime with the time change- and we're thinking of getting a video camera for the computer and downloading Skype to have some video chats. Any other great ideas or just advice on how to survive as a temporary single mom?

Not a wife, yet..

Hey there!!!

I just wanted to introduce myself! I found this blog the other day and thought it was such a great way to communicate with others in the same position..for the most part.

I'm not a wife, yet. I'm dating MIGM (my nickname for him, pronounced MIG-um) a 3rd year, (almost 4th year) Medical Student, who is also in the Navy! Boards are in less than a month and we're both on the edge of our seats.. more so me..I'm a nervous wreck, ha!

The big kicker is we're in a long distance relationship!! I'm currently in Undergrad down in Florida.. he is in Virginia! I'm majoring in Family & Child Science.. hoping to be a 2nd Grade Teacher :) MIGM's heart is set on surgery! Trauma to be exact!

We definitely have a LONG road ahead of us, but I couldn't be more excited!

**I also have another blog.. you're more than willing to stop by and take a look..it's nothing special.. just random thoughts and what not...but you can get connected to some wonderful ladies..not related to the medical field :)**

1 Confirmed; 1 Still Awaiting Response

R got his July away rotation! It's his first choice of elective and time period for a program that I hear is very difficult/practically impossible to get into for residency unless you rotate there. So, while this by no means means that he'll match there, this was an important part of the equation.

So... Any tips for him or me? I know he'll need to get to know a lot of people and be well liked. Anything more specific?
Also, I will not be going with him; I have a job and a life here, after all! I'm not really worried about living without him here. I have friends coming in, finals happening, general enjoy-New-York-in-the-summer plans, so I'll be plenty busy. However, I do want to visit him for an extended weekend. I don't plan on getting to hang out with him too much as he will be busy networking while scrubbing in on surgeries, but beyond that, I'm not sure what to expect.

Yay! :)

...Now we just have to hear back about the one he's hoping to do for August...

To Stay at Home or Not

One of the issues that many couples face as they have children in a medical marriage is whether the wife should quit the workforce and stay at home with their children.  Every situation is different and every woman feels differently.  I had both stayed home and worked a fulltime job while raising 2 kids.  In my experience, it has been wonderful for our family for me to stay home.  There are less stressors in my marriage, more time for my sons and less headache and personal guilt for myself with respect to my family, job and friends.  Although I don’t usually express opinions in matters that are of a more personal nature, I will officially say that I think everyone should consider this situation if it is possible in your marriage while you husband/wife is in medical training.  I suspect, though I am not sure, that after training I will feel the same way about staying home even when my husband is a practicing physician.  We shall see when we get there.
I have two children with my husband and  I began staying home with my oldest son when he was born.  I finished out my year as a high school math teacher and thoroughly enjoyed the ability to see Bert everyday and never miss anything new that he did.  Everything went to plan until he turned 1.  Once he became mobile and started throwing temper tantrums, things became harder and soon I was aching to go back to work.  There are a couple reasons why I think this happened:  I was not involved in other things and I didn’t use parent’s day out—Basically, I didn’t have anything to keep me busy.  Everything was about Bert—that wasn’t working.  I also suspect that at 25, I was not mentally ready to stay home and be just Mom.  I loved my son, but I still craved that outside “attention” that being at home just didn’t provide me.  I sought out other employment and soon became a Realtor.  Bert began going to daycare fulltime and I went to work.  This plan lasted for a while.  I continued working and we bought a house (I had to go back to teaching if we wanted a house because I was not established as a Realtor and I was not making enough money—staying home was not something that we even thought about at the time).  Soon, the ache of wanting another child began and I got pregnant with Ernie.  I had Ernie at the end of my school year, had the summer off with the boys, and then went back to school for a second year of teaching.  Ernie started daycare at 4 months of age, and although I was okay with going back to work and sending him to daycare, I realized that there was not a moment all summer long where I wanted to work.  I was not excited at all about starting the new school year, but I was okay with it.  Staying home still did not cross my mind.  Several things happened in the next few months that changed my outlook. 
I realize that some of you cannot stay home.  Either you must work or you need to work.  It isn’t for every family.  I do believe it deserves major consideration for every family—and I do believe that every family should try to leave that an option if things are not working out during medical training.  There are things you can do to enable you to stay home.  I have found that even with the cut in pay because I was not able to work that tutoring job at my old school, our finances have not suffered in any way.  We still have cable, we still have spending money, we go out to eat, I have a gym membership and we eat very well.  We are frugal in some ways and not in others.  If I lost both of my part time jobs, we would have to cut back, but we would be able to work it out and keep me at home—and most importantly, we would make it work.

Graduation!

I know that for a lot of people this weekend was GRADUATION weekend! It was for us last night and we had a wonderful time! I'm so excited to be Mrs. Dr. Thomas Howard, hehe!!! I just wanted to say congratulation to everyone and wish everyone the best of luck on their next adventure....residency! If you have pictures or fun family stories about your graduation experience, please share!!!!

Why I love third year (for MS2s)

I cannot speak too much as to first year because my husband and I were 365 miles (a 6 hour drive or a 12 hours by a short car ride with two train rides to allow for adequate study time while I was in law school) apart. But I can speak in regards to second and third years of medical school. Second year the days were long (but manageable) but the excitement and nervousness of first year had worn off for Drew. While he was still excited about his dreams of becoming a doctor he began to get worn down with the long days of his nose in a book. The only change from studying and lectures was to practice on fake patients. Drew didn't really enjoy this first year and then only to continue it in second year to advance to doing pelvic and rectal exams was no improvement. The year dragged on for Drew and he was often exhausted.We were worried to start third year; we had heard it was going to be tough, long days, busy weekends and very little free time. I guess with all the worrying about how "terrible" it was going to be we weren't really prepared for Drew to enjoy it.Once Drew got past the orientation part of his rotation he would come home each night so excited. He was different, it was like someone had relighted his fire and passion for medicine. Drew started with "longs" which are Internal Medicine (IM) and Surgery (and are called longs because they are 10 weeks, rather than the rest of the clerkships which are only six.) Typically the "longs" are considered the most intense and most demanding. And while they most certainly were, I still can say that Drew (and even I) have been so much happier than last year. Internal medicine usually started at six or seven and he was usually home by six or seven. He was gone Saturday mornings but most of his Sundays were protected (meaning he had the whole day off). Surgery was a little less consistent. Most days he started at five or so and was done by five-ish but there were the occasional days where he got out in the early afternoon or other days where he went till 8 or 9 at night. Weekends were the same is internal medicine. While this seems miserable keep in mind that Drew's "shorts" psychiatry and Oby-gyn thus far have been shorter days and offered him most weekends off.Although the schedule of IM and surgery seems intense, it was really quite bearable. I kept myself busy by visiting friends some weekends and we made every Sunday our day, all day, even if it meant laying down on the couch all day. I have also learned to love even simply times like when I lay in his lap while he studies. While I have gotten a little off-course (thanks for staying with me here) the point of my post, is that I have found third year to be the most rewarding. There have been so many days where Drew has come home so excited, and although exhausted he couldn't wait to tell me what he got to see, hear, or do that day. For us it was like all that time that he had spent with his nose buried in a book had finally paid off. He has finally gotten to see so many of the things he had only before read about. He is actually working with real patients, with real problems. It made the idea of becoming a doctor a little more real. My favorite of course was surgery because each night I could watch his eyes light up with such awe and enthusiasm as he spoke about his day. It didn't matter what he spoke about, it wasn't what he said, it was just so wonderful as a spouse to see the one I love find his passion. It was the acknowledgement and satisfaction that all his hard work (studying and self-discipline) had paid off. I think it also provided a huge amount of joy and relief for him to not only know that medicine really was his calling, but also to know what your calling is.And while finding the right specialty can be stressful for some, when they do find it, there is just a huge sense of relief and contentment. So if your spouse struggles to find something they like my advice is to try and calm their fears and encourage them to just learn from what (rotation/clerkship) they are in, even it means learning that they never want to do it ever again!So while third year takes some accommodation and adaptation, it is a very exciting time - especially as a significant other getting to watch your spouse transform from a student to a future doctor.