Dealing with a disappointing move

It’s that time of year again.

The time of year when so many of us pack up our lives and move for our spouse’s career. Any move can be stressful, but it’s an especially rough undertaking when you’re less than enthusiastic about your new location. Doctors’ wives are often in a unique situation in which we have very little choice about where we relocate to—thanks to the infamous Match.

So if you are finding yourself trying to settle into a new home after a disappointing move, you are not alone.

If I am being completely honest, I can tell you that I was more than a little disappointed when we saw our Match results in 2013. My husband, the soon to be doctor, and I would be married exactly a week after the Match ceremony and I had been hoping on starting our marriage out with an adventure. I had hoped we would Match somewhere new and exciting, somewhere outside of our home state and med school state of Ohio.

When we opened our envelope, not only did it say we would be staying in Ohio, but it was the residency was in the one city I did not get to visit on my husband’s interview trail. It was the one place on his rank list that I truly had overlooked and was not expecting.

Looking back, I shouldn’t have been so surprised. The program was placed pretty high on his rank list. Whether it was wishful thinking or ignorant oversight, I’m not sure, but when we found out we would be moving to Akron, Ohio I was shocked…and less than enthusiastic.

In the following months as we prepared for our relocation I became even more apprehensive. The city wasn’t ideal for finding a job in my field. It was a half hour closer to my husband’s family and 2 hours farther from my family. We were having trouble finding a place to live. The reasons to be disappointed in our new home just kept building up in my mind.

Then I realized it: I wasn’t really giving what would be my home for the next 3 years or more a fair shot. I was focusing on the negative and my outlook on our new hometown, as well as the opportunities it would provide, wouldn’t improve until my attitude did.

It is amazing to me to think that two years have already passed. I can’t tell you that it has always been easy or that I loved our new town in every moment, but I can say that I am very happy there now.

I want to share a few of the things that helped me deal with my disappointing move, as well as few things that—looking back—I wish I would have done from the start. I hope some of these tips can help someone else who is learning to love a new location after a move.

My tips:

1. Make your new location your home.
In our medical journey, I have always said paraphrased the old adage "Home is where the heart is" because for me it is more accurate to say "home is where my husband is." While some days that may feel like I should make the hospital my home, it helped me to remember that our new town was home now. It helped me to quit referring to our last city as "home". I couldn’t start loving and thinking of our new location as my home if I was continuing to think of and refer to someplace else as my home.

2. Make your house your home.
We bought our home, a condo in a suburb of our new city. There is a lot of debate about whether buying or renting is better in residency. I can’t speak to which is best and think it is a personal decision for each couple, but for me it has allowed a lot of freedom to invest my energy and emotions into our house, making it our own. Even if you rent, I would suggest doing what you can to make your house feel like a home. If you can’t make big changes or even cosmetic adjustments to flooring, wall colors, etc., try to find the areas where you can make it yours. Hang your favorite pictures, go thrift shopping or yard sale-ing to find new pieces of décor or furniture that will help you feel more at home. For me, the more I could make my house, or things in it, into a "project" the more invested in and connected to it I started to feel.

3. Go exploring.
Safety first if you do this! However, I do recommend taking a good look around your new city. Find what it has to offer. Where are the fun places to visit like museums, the zoo, restaurants, etc.? Where are the best shopping areas? Are there any neighborhoods you would LOVE to live in if you ended up staying there long-term? What is downtown like? Is your city more white-collar corporate focused or blue collar industry focused? It is also helpful to know, but maybe not visit, where the more dangerous parts of town are. Getting to know your city helps you learn to love it. While a lot can be found out behind the screen of your computer, I suggest taking field trips and physically exploring when and where you can. Remember, stay safe!

4. Get a pet.
Okay, I know this isn’t for everyone, but if your personal preferences, living situation, and budget allow, I definitely suggest getting a pet. I’m a big supporter of dog rescue organizations, but go with what is right for you. A pet helps you by providing both company and something to automatically love about your new city—its where you got Fido/Fluffy/Benedict Cumberbatch! We rescued a hound puppy a year into our residency and it was the best thing I did after moving. It forced me to get out and go on walks in our neighborhood, which helped me meet a lot of our neighbors—the cute puppy as a conversation starter was good too. He makes me feel more comfortable when my husband is working late at night or all night. If my dog isn’t worried about that noise, it is probably okay. He keeps me company and gave me a purpose before I found a job in my field.

5. Get involved.

Whether it is getting a job or finding someplace to volunteer some time, I recommend finding someplace to get connected in your new city. If you have kids, maybe it will be something at their school. If you can’t get a pet but wish you could (or even if you have one) maybe you can find a humane society or rescue group to volunteer with. Maybe there is a group at the hospital, either of other wives or a volunteer system. If you are involved in a religious group, see if your place of worship needs help in any way. Nonprofit organizations like museums, theatres, food banks, or shelter houses are always looking for volunteers. Finding some place to give your time, for pay or as a volunteer can help you feel connected to the city and see first-hand the value it holds and great people that live there.
　
What I wish I had done:

1. "Borrow an Egg"
I live in a very safe neighborhood. I wish I would have gone around to my nearest neighbors’ homes and introduced myself in the first few months of living here. I envision it like you see on the TV, with a 50’s style housewife bringing a pie to the neighbors and letting them know that she lives next door now. I don’t know if I would have brought pie, but I do know it would have been nice to get to know my neighbors early on, and just to know there was someone next door that I could come to in case of an emergency... or in case I needed to borrow an egg.

2. Stay in town.
This relates a lot to #1 in my tips, but I wish I would have spent more time staying in town early on. I went to visit friends in our last city pretty often in the first few months of living in our new city. I know many of you won’t have this chance because your move is much farther from your last city than mine was. I’m not saying to never visit friends either. I just wish I would have spent more time staying in town and getting to know my new home instead of keeping my heart so focused on our old town.

3. Play pretend.

While sometimes it is comforting (and realistic) to keep in mind that residency is temporary and living in this location may also be temporary, sometimes it can add more stress knowing you’ll just be picking up and leaving again (relatively) shortly. I wish I would have allowed myself to pretend that this was forever, or at least to let go of my focus on it being temporary. I know in the beginning I was less willing to fall in love with my new city because I knew it wasn’t "forever." If it helps you, let yourself pretend it is forever. Sometimes we need to let go of counting down the months and days in order to let ourselves be happy in our current situation.
　
I hope some of these tips help you. If nothing else, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Many of us have been through a disappointing move. There is hope. I, for one, have come out on the other side, happy and enjoying our home. I hope you will too! And remember, even if you don’t end up loving your new city, you love your spouse and as long as you are with them, you are home.
　

Survivor Stories: Naked Eggs and Other Thoughts on Moving and Change

 I wrote this last summer, when our family of four was moving to a new city for the third time in eleven years, following the path of my husband's medical school training, residency, and first and second post-training jobs.  Moving and change happen frequently for those in the medical field.  Change is exciting, but it can also be disappointing and exhausting, and no matter our perspective, it's always challenging!

First of all, what is a naked egg?  According to a description I found in a science experiment, a naked egg is an egg without its shell.  That makes sense, but what does that have to do with moving or change?  Hold onto that thought...

This week has been a blur of boxes and packing paper.  Our family has gotten a lot of sweet help in many different ways, but our heads are still spinning a bit.  Maybe because today was the slowest we've gone in a while, that is why so many emotions went haywire.

The kids have handled our move quite well, but I knew there would be some bumps along the way.  For one, I've noticed a greater quickness for both of them to get upset over seemingly small things.  Today, L (8 years old), started getting teary over a perceived injustice with his 4 year old sister.  I sat and talked with him for a long time, and as he spoke, it came out that the greater issue was the move.  He doesn't disagree with our family's decision to move, he understands the reasons and benefits for all, but yes, there is grief.  There are friends, a school, a house, a neighborhood, to leave.  I encouraged him to let it out, to keep talking as much as he wanted to, and to think of things we can do to help him.

After he had calmed down, his mind was clearer and he could see how much this change was getting to him.  Then, right in the middle of this rather heavy conversation, he blurted out something about vinegar and eggshells.  I laughed, because I can't think of anyone else I know who would use such an example to describe stress!  I love the way he thinks.

I had to get him to explain.  Simply put, our move was having the effect on our mental and emotional stability that vinegar would have on an eggshell.  Vinegar is highly acidic, so it would break down that outer shell.  I couldn't believe my boy had come up with such an accurate illustration!

As I was reading over the science experiment to better understand L's example, I discovered something else interesting:  the shell might crack and come apart from the egg, but the egg's membrane would stay intact.  By the end of the day, I think my shell was gone, in a million pieces on the floor.  I was a naked egg, so to speak.  If I continued to think figuratively, though, surely my membrane was still protecting me:  my faith in God and his grace.

Because of that grace, when I turn with empty hands and a hungry heart, God will mend my "shell".  What is your vinegar today?  What is threatening to break you down, to make you vulnerable?  When you feel like your shell has cracked or even broken completely off, to what or whom do you turn?

My family sees our faith as our anchor.  When there is trouble, we pray.  When times are good, we give thanks.  We fill our hearts and minds with words and ideas that will quickly come to mind in all of life's circumstances.  Our shells still break, but our membranes stay strong.  There have been many trials as I've journeyed alongside V through his preparation to become a doctor.  We don't understand why everything has turned out the way it has--both good and bad, but we know we're on the right path, and we know we are on it together.

Here is a link to the science experiment if anyone would like to read over it or maybe try it at home:  http://www.exploratorium.edu/cooking/eggs/activity-naked.html

The Job Hunt

 The ultimate goal that so many of us have worked so hard for for so many years next to our husbands. It can work out exactly as you had planned or hoped or it can go all kinds of crazy directions with so many unknowns. I think the latter is more likely these days.

Every specialty is different, private practice is different then academics, etc but this is our story. 

My husband was a resident in a very small, competitive, surgical sub-specialty in one of the top programs in the country. Two years of research were built into his program and he loved to teach so all along he was pretty sure he wanted to do academics. He is not a PhD so a lab of his own was not his goal but he did want to keep a hand in the research he had started during his research years. He wrote a few papers (probably not enough) and presented a few posters, he went to a conference every year or so and we both thought he had networked well. With the help of his mentor and chairman at his residency he landed a great fellowship and we moved for fellowship knowing that the job hunt needed to start soon. 

His fellowship mentor was great, very well connected and interested in the fact that his fellows got good jobs where they wanted doing what they wanted. This was key because his residency chairman and mentor were not any help in looking for “the job.” We were both very discouraged by this as well as the fact that there seemed to be so few jobs in his sub-specialty for the year he was finishing. Because there are so few in his area we learned that graduates tend to stay at their residency or fellowship institution and that was not an option for him at either location.

A few months into fellowship he got a call from a practice in his hometown. We had lived out of state ever since the beginning of medical school and because the one academic program in his hometown had been through a lot of turmoil we had been very honest with our family and friends that we didn’t think we would ever be back. When my husband got this call he was pessimistic that a private practice job is what he wanted, he has very little business sense and was not interested in the politics of a practice. His mentor told him, “don’t close a door until you know what is behind it” and I agreed so he agreed to at least go on the interview and see what they had to offer. In the mean time he was applying for every academic job he heard of but most were filled internally or the job was pulled because they decided they needed a different sub-specialty instead of his, of course we would find this all out later not at the time of application.

At this time he also started working with a well known and well respected recruiter in his specialty. Working with a recruiter was not of interest to either one of us because so many do not understand his specialty and his sub-specialty within it. However this recruiter is married to a physician in the field and is well respected by both the candidates and the hospitals/practices because of her knowledge. I watched their site religiously and when a job popped up that I thought was interesting I’d bring it to my husband’s attention, like many other things he just didn’t have time to monitor it. His hometown has a very unique identifier that recruiters tend to use, someone who isn’t from there wouldn’t know where it was but we always laughed when we saw a post with that description because we knew which city it was. 

A month or so after the first call from his hometown a job popped up on the recruiter site that was also in his hometown, I sent it to him and he inquired about it. They were looking for an experienced surgeon, someone to lead a new group, not someone straight out of training so we wrote it off and moved on. A few weeks later another posting showed up that looked to be from the same hospital but it was not looking for a leader role and this time they called my husband the day it was posted, I didn’t even have a chance to send it to him. This job was more interesting to him because the hospital had decided to employ their surgeons directly instead of contracting with a practice. There was a tie to a medical school though they didn’t have residents in his specialty and there were ties to a private research company that could offer opportunities in the future. 

So at the end of October he had two solid leads, neither of which he was crazy about, several academic jobs in the pipeline (or so we thought) and then the shoe dropped that his fellowship mentor was leaving to take the chairmanship at another program. In his specialty fellowships are a one-on-one mentorship, they are not required or accredited so they are truly for the experience only. We didn’t know what we were going to do, what was going to happen to his fellowship and if we were even going to have a job to go to in July.

Thanksgiving weekend we lied to our families to rearrange our travel plans so that he could interview in his home town without anyone knowing he was there because we had decided after being told where to go to med school (he got in last minute off of a waitlist) and then residency and fellowship we wanted this to be our decision for our family of 4. The interview at job #2 went great, he was dumbfounded and at the end of the 2nd day they handed him an offer and a contract draft. We were both shocked to say the least, he still had an interview with the other group in town and he wasn’t even sure this was the direction he wanted to go. Luckily there was no pressure for a quick answer and we discussed things over and over and over while he went ahead with the other interview a week later. He knew very quickly the first job in his hometown was not where he wanted to be and we kept going back to the pending contract, the pros and cons, the lack of academics and the proximity to family (was moving back after 13 years going to be hard? yes!).

We finally took the plunge and sent the contract to an attorney a few weeks into December. It was obvious that an academic job was not going to become an option. The job had become more and more intriguing, he would be the 3rd of 5 they were going to hire and because they would like for him to start the day after his contract was signed we could leave fellowship early and start early. We got the contract reviewed and signed just before Christmas and were very happy to tell our families at Christmas that we were coming home after 13 years. What had been a very stressful six months was finally over. It may not sound very stressful here but it was a daily stress, discussion and sometimes argument about whether we were doing enough, whether 13 years of hard work was for naught if he couldn’t find the job he wanted and whether we were making the right decisions for our family.

Because of the location of the new job and where we would live my husband had to have two state medical licenses plus his credentialing for the hospital. He and I spent an entire weekend filling out paperwork, requesting more paperwork and reading instructions until our eyes popped out. I have this great picture of he and I sitting at a table with piles of paper and our two laptops open, it looks like someone’s office had exploded. But the licenses came through, the credentialing went through without issue and on April 10th our moving truck pulled up in front of our fellowship rental. We enjoyed his three weeks off getting settled in our new home and then he started the “real” job.

We are now 14 1/2 months out of training and I won’t tell you the transition was easy, it wasn’t. Moving in mid-April when you have to take your kids out of their school and activities isn’t easy, being new to an area and neighborhood (the kids and I have never lived here) while everyone else is engrossed in year end activities, etc. was hard but just over a year later we are glad we have made the right decision for our family.

Now I wouldn’t say all of our decisions were the right ones, we love our house now but looking at 20+ houses in a long weekend and deciding when you’re spending what we spent was probably not the best idea. We didn’t want to move twice because of all of the moving we had done in the past and in hind sight that was stupid, we should have rented until we found the perfect house. But its growing on us, our kids are happy here and I finally feel like I’m hitting a groove with friends, groups, etc. My husband couldn’t be happier with his job, he’s very happy with the case mix he’s getting and is very happy with his partners. It hasn’t been all champagne and roses as they’ve already lost one partner who they are now trying to replace and his NP left for a better job for her family but those are bumps that anyone is going to have and we have discussed that we could see ourselves staying here forever. Who knows what is going to happen with healthcare going forward but for now we’re growing where we’re planted and hoping for the best.

Everyone’s hunt is different, everyone’s story is different, every specialty is different but hopefully this will help you go into it with your eyes open and know there are jobs, and sometimes where you least expect them.

Survivor Stories: Your first post-training house

by Jennifer, Survivor in Pediatric Ophthalomology

You’ve pinched a penny within an inch of its life. You’ve clipped coupons. You’ve scrimped, sacrificed, and waited patiently. You’ve lived in cramped quarters, pinning ideas and filing away dreams for Someday. Finally your Dr. H has completed his training, and you’re ready to find your perfect house.

Whoa, Nelly. Don’t burst out of that starting gate quite yet. Let’s talk about your options.

Here’s our experience:

We completed training nine years ago and joined a private practice in an urban area. Armed with a file folder of ideas, we bought a custom house in a suburban master-planned community twenty minutes from his office. “Custom” in this instance means we chose a builder from a list of four that built homes in this neighborhood, then chose a house plan (which dozens of other homeowners also chose), then we went to a design center to select all the flooring, cabinetry, countertops, and upgrades—from a very short list. We ended up with a beautiful home in a great neighborhood with top-notch public schools.

During the next few years, we got to know the area, the neighborhoods, and the schools. We lived in our home and figured out what worked and what didn’t. We bought 2.5 acres and started paying it down. In the meantime, we went to an architect with a piece of scratch paper and a rough floorplan. He drew it out on his computer, made a few tweaks to optimize, and handed it back to us. Then we interviewed several custom builders, got their estimates, and picked one.

(Then the story gets really hairy...the city council wouldn’t approve our plans...economy tanked...builder went out of business...land developer took six months to build a freakin’ driveway...scrambled for a new builder...sold our house in one day...ended up in a poorly insulated rental home...I ran screaming for the hills…)

Finally (FINALLY), six years after starting his new job, we moved into our Forever Home. We like to say, “they’re going to wheel us out of this house.” The next time I move (according to my plans), it will be to the old folks’ home or the morgue. Either way, I don’t have to pack.

Your experience could be similar to mine or completely different, but whatever you decide, I would gently encourage you to NOT jump into your Forever House right away. I know it’s been a long time coming and you’re ready for more comfortable living space, but be patient. There are several reasons to wait.

1. Your Dr. H will very likely see a big increase in income after a few years. If you can hold on a little bit longer, you will be able to afford a little bit more.
2. If you are moving to a new area, you will want to live there for a little while before you commit to a neighborhood and a house. Getting involved in your community for a few years will teach you a lot about the people and the schools. There’s no way you can know everything you want to know by internet research alone.
3. You need a few years in an interim house to know what you really like and what you can do without. Our Forever House has many of the features of our first house—with improvements. For example, our first house had a great 9-foot island in the kitchen that was perfect for hosting big parties and gatherings. But there was only 3-4 feet between the island and the counters, which during big parties with lots of people made navigating the kitchen pretty difficult. So when we drew up plans for our Forever House, we kept the island and made sure we had 5 feet of space between the island and the counters. We made several adjustments like that when we were designing our home.
4. As much as we hate to think about it, the likelihood that your Dr. H will change practices after a few years is frighteningly high. It happens. You don’t want to invest in a really nice house and then have to sell it quickly.

If you can rent a home in an area you think you want to stay in—even better. Yes, you will have to move again, and if you’ve been married during medical school and training, the thought of packing and moving will curl your hair. But it will be worth the extra effort to be exactly where you want to be in the house that fits you best. (A good friend of ours even convinced his department to pay for their moving costs from their interim house to their big house. It’s possible!)

A doctor-in-training’s wife has delayed gratification down. We’ve made it an art form. We know how to wait, and we believe waiting will pay off. It seems grossly unfair to have to wait any longer, but trust me: it’s worth it.

What is your dream? And Survivors, please share your experiences, good and bad. What would you do the same? Differently?

The Time Has Come....

I’m sure like many of you, the road to medical school has been a long one.  It’s full of planning and hoping and dreaming.  After 3 years of planning…the adventure is about to begin.

Our house is full of boxes, tape, bubble wrap and paper.  It’s a mess of things to sell, give away and pack up.  We get out house in a different state in just 5 days. I’ve never lived anywhere but within 30 minutes of where I grew up.  We’ve planned for this time for so long..and it’s finally here! 

I’m excited and nervous..but so ready.  I’m ready for my husband to finally start medical school…one step closer to his dream…our dream.  

Our kids are usually well behaved and these past couple weeks have been rough.  I know it’s all of the anxiety and uncertainty of moving and leaving all they have ever known.  That’s what is hard for me right now.  We know that this move is best for our family and our future…but kids who are 8 and 5 can’t understand that.  All they know is that we are moving.  We have a surprise at the new house for them.  We ordered a trampoline and will have it set up when they arrive.  We’re hoping that little surprise will give them something to be excited about!

We are lucky that we aren’t moving too far from home.  It’s about a 4 hour drive.  So we have the benefit of moving our things and setting up the house over a week while they kids stay with grandma and grandpa. 

It’s just hard to believe this time in our lives is finally here! 

For those already in medical school and beyond…did you find that your kids had a hard time adjusting after a move?  What was the one thing you looked forward to when moving to a new place?

Residency Roundup: Getting Started

Welcome to Residency Roundup!  

My name is Cami!  I am married to an overworked PGY2 surgery resident and have two amazing little children that enrich our lives.   I am excited to share pieces of wisdom, hope, help, and support to families currently in residency and those preparing for it.

So, I am a list person.  Anything that I can write in list form I do.  After match day two years ago new lists began:  what sequence to pack up our tiny, gross apartment;  housing options in our new residency town;  meals that would clear out my pantry, freezer , and fridge;  graduation invites; etc... 

After we successfully and efficiently moved to residency, we realized we had no list ready for the next steps.  The following was developed from trial and error, luck, and a little research. Here is the list we needed two years ago!  

Find and Know this Information ASAP-

• First paycheck - When will it come?  
• DrH's program pays once a month, so the first paycheck came in August!! In addition to all the moving/relocating expenses, we used a short term loan from our parents to bide the time. 
• Vacation Requests - Find out when they are due, turn them in, don't miss the deadline.
• Human Resources - Read through the HR packets to understand your benefits and if you need to enroll in programs. 
• Our residency has a one-time smartphone or PDA reimbursement I found by reading everything.
• Opening socials - When are they? Make the effort to attend.
• We had one for DrH's program and one for the resident support group for spouses and families. 
• Residency Graduation - When is it? Are you invited?
• The incoming interns, in our program, are requested to attend the outgoing chiefs graduation dinner.  We are glad we made the effort to go, a short one week after med school graduation. 

To Do list for the first month- 

        (hopefully before DrH begins rotations)

• Find House to rent or own - We rented sight-unseen, so we planned a meet and greet with the landlord.
• Appliances - Our rental didn't come with a refrigerator.  One had to be secured within the first 48 hours.  Luckily we still had some time left on our moving truck to help us haul it from the store to our home.
• Set up utilities - You will need joint access to all accounts.
• Set up internet - We pay more for the extra fast internet for logging onto DrH's EMR, writing notes, and checking images.
• Local phone number - Look into Google Voice for your cell phone, if you don't want to change your number.
• Purchase a pager plan - Does your program supply one?
• Car insurance - A move to another state means different rates. (We seem to always move to a more expensive area). Call and find a new agent early on.
• Renters or home owners insurance
• Buy a second car - Which includes a smog check, insurance, and registration. 
• Parking pass for DrH's hospital- Is it provided by program?
• DMV trip - Our new state allots 10 days from your move-in date to get your license and car registration changed over.  We had to take the drivers test, thankfully easier than Step1;) 
• Medical/Dental benefits - Assign a PCP
• Thank you notes for graduation gifts
• Fill your new refrigerator 
• Meet neighbors 
• Find a Church and a Gym
• Find new friends for children
• Explore new city

Good luck forming your lists!

Cami


Leave comments below with what went wrong with your residency relocation, what could have been avoided, and what worked great!!

Moving: Helping Children Adjust

Like many medical families, we are preparing to move this June.  Again. This will be our family’s third move in three years!  Moving can be taxing both physically and emotionally on adults, but we've found that it can be just as stressful for children. 

When we found out on match day that we would be moving twice: once for an intern year and once for residency, we were slightly overwhelmed at the prospect of loading up our house, moving to a new state, and then doing it all over again in just a year’s time.  At the time, our kids were just 4 and 2-years-old and I was pregnant with our third.  But we were mostly excited to have matched at our top choices.  The future seemed bright and though packing our house was a daunting task, we were mostly positive.

Our 4-year-old, however, began to exhibit symptoms of anxiety.  She started waking up in the night and even began wetting her pants during the day, things she hadn't done in almost 2 years!  She would constantly clear her throat and said it felt like there was something stuck in her throat.  She would ask us the same questions over and over and cry when we refused to keep repeating our answers. 

Worried about her, I took her to the pediatrician.  He told me this type of anxiety was normal in children when a big change was taking place in their lives, whether it be moving, a divorce, a new baby, a new school, a job change, etc.  He told me that the best thing I could do is love her and be patient with her and that she would get through it.

Here is how I used his advice and found the best ways to help my children cope with moving:

1)      Be positive.  At the end of my husband’s third year of medical school, we had the opportunity to move into a home because the owner could no longer take care of it.  In exchange for caring for the home, we got free rent.  The situation turned out to be less than ideal though, and I complained a lot.  My attitude rubbed off on my daughter who would constantly talk about how much she hated living there too!  I learned from that experience and the next time we moved I tried to keep my complaints to myself.   When I acted as though our big move out of state was an adventure, the kids went along with it and really learned to like our new home.

2)      Be adventurous.  When you first move to a new area you may feel disoriented and homesick.  Force yourself to get up and get out. Get to know the area, try out fun things, explore.  You will be happier and your kids will too.  If you are in a location temporarily this may be your only chance to explore that part of the country!

3)      Find friends.  I tend to be a home body.  When we moved to a new state for my husband’s intern year, I didn't feel highly motivated to make new friends because I knew we’d only be in that city for a year.  And making friends is a lot of work!  But I have a daughter who is extremely social and thrives on friendships with children her own age.  So I had to go outside my comfort zone and make new friends so that my daughter could have friends too.  I also immediately enrolled her in swimming lessons and preschool so that she could have more social experiences. Looking back it made our year in that city much more fulfilling for our entire family because we made some lasting relationships.  Plus, if you don’t have friends who will you call in a time of need?  Like when you go into labor in the middle of the night…

4)      Acknowledge their fears and get to the root of them.  Before moving out of state my daughter had some pretty serious panic attacks.  We just assumed her anxiety was about the move in general since she didn't vocalize what was bothering her.  Then one night when I was putting her to bed, I asked her calmly, “What do you worry about?”  She replied, “That when we move someone else will sleep in my bed.”  And then we understood where her anxiety was coming from and were better able to address it.  We also tried to acknowledge her fears rather than dismiss them.  From that point on I tried to involve her in the process of packing up her own things so she wouldn't worry about them being lost in the move.  I was also careful not to let her see me throwing things away as I “de-junked’ since she was worried about her things.

Parents can make moving a positive experience when they are sensitive to the impact a move will have on their children. Moving can actually be a positive experience, enhancing a child’s emotional and social growth, adaptability and self-confidence. If a move proves to be too much for you or your child, don’t hesitate to seek emotional help. What tips have worked for you in helping your kids adjust to a move?

Med school madness-Moving

Moving again?!

We have entered moving season in the medical world. A very exciting time to be sure, even if we don't know where we are moving to. We are medical families. We don't need to know such ordinary details. We just know that we are moving.

Some are getting ready to move for third and fourth year rotations, others are busy ranking residencies all over the country and some of you are planning for that last leg of the journey called fellowship. Whatever your case is, know that a lot of us are going through the same thing and I really think most of us go through some of the same emotions. We are super excited to be moving one day and the next we'd rather not move ever again and hate the whole thing. Some med wives will be moving with very little help from your other halves. Our dear husbands will be in the middle of boards around move time, others are just working all day, every day, and a few of you brave souls have husbands who will have to move before you so they're just not physically able to attend your moving day.

With our upcoming move in June or July, I am experiencing a great amount of happiness as we are moving 'back home'. We are excited that our five year old will play with his cousins whenever he wants. I am grateful that we will have babysitting by grand parents again. I am looking forward to those little things. With all that happiness, I forget sometimes that we have no idea how this move will actually happen. We had plan A and of course, it will not work out at all. A certain company will not rent us a trailer to move stuff since we drive a Ford Explorer. We don't really want to rent a huge, yellow truck because we honestly don't need it. We got rid of so many things to ensure this move would be light, quick and it would not require a 'big yellow truck'. Hubby doesn't want to drive a huge truck for 700 miles ever again. Plan B will come, this I know. I just hope it comes before the week of the move.

Perhaps you are a tad nervous yourself and stressing out over the wheres, hows and whens of it all. If you are, I wish I could share every horror story I've seen or lived when it comes to moving. Not to add to your stress, but to let you know how at the end of it we turned out fine and some have managed to be very happy. Things have a tendency to work out and be fine. Moving companies eventually get hired or someone helps you move last minute. Those 'rent unseen' places turn out fine. We eventually find the right school for our kids. It takes time, energy and some stress but it usually all works out.

Moving during the medical training can be especially trying for those of us who are a bit Type A or have 'control issues'. Before medical school I needed to know and plan for everything. Med school has taught me to be more flexible, to constantly adjust my attitude and roll with whatever comes. A flexible attitude didn't make all problems go away but it helped me deal with some unexpected and unpleasant things. Most med wives I know are fairly flexible, maybe not by nature but by trade. There so many things in the journey that are not what we expected that we just learned to go with it. If you are moving now or sometime very soon, wherever you are going and however you get there, I wish you all a happy or at least an uneventful move day.

Please join us at our Facebook group where we have discussed moving at great length, everything from our new cities to what moving services we have used to get us there.

Happy trails all!

Judith

Survivor Saturdays - Moving

Kim asked:

I'm sure all you survivors could give a lot of good advice about moving- especially for those going through it all right now. ie: finding out where you're going, when to start looking for houses/neighborhoods, is it better to live as close to the hospital as possible, rent vs buy, moving expenses, when is the best time to move, aquainting yourself with a new area, etc. I'm sure there are many different perspectives- but all the better. :)

Kathi said:
M and I have moved more times than I have fingers. It’s never “fun” but there are benefits to having to go through all your junk periodically. It’s also great practice for your social skills. Here are my top ten tips:

1. Spend some time talking with your spouse about what to expect with the new position. How many hours will he likely work? Does that number include rounds and staff meetings? How often will he be on call? Will he have any early/off days? Will he be able to take your phone calls/texts while at work? By knowing all the facts, you won’t later be frustrated when he’s not available or unable to attend something you don’t want to miss.

2. Research your new community at places like http://www.city-data.com/ or http://www.indeed.com/forum/loc to learn what other locals think about schools, churches, and even contractors. Remember that many realtors frequent these sites, so get your realtor references outside of these sites.
3. If you’re planning to enroll children in school, meet with all school administrators beforehand and ask for a tour of the schools. Afterwards, go to the local parks, malls, and sports events and approach locals. They may give you a better idea about the schools and neighborhoods. If possible, rent before you buy so you’re not stuck in the wrong neighborhood.
4. Ask for phone numbers of other doctor’s wives in the area so you can invite them to coffee when you visit. This is a great way to gain more knowledge of the neighborhoods, service providers, and schools you may want to concentrate on. You’ll also know at least one wife the next time you appear at a social function.
5. If you have children, concentrate on finding a person who is willing to hold a party to invite several children your childrens’ ages. This way, they will know some children before school starts. This also is a great way to make your children’s transition easier in general.
6. When packing, don’t skip the step of labeling boxes with contents. Otherwise, you’ll be opening every box looking for the wine opener or flashlights.
7. Use an easy-to-spot marker to mark boxes that are most important to pack (your clothes, shower items, every day dishes). Pack one box with toilet paper, shower curtains, towels, and all the things you need to get settled in the first 12 hours.
8. Designate one room in the house/apartment to store unpacked boxes, or you may be able to put unpacked boxes in the closet of each room. Start unpacking the brightly marked boxes first and start feeling settled. With the rest of the boxes hidden, you’ll feel more in control as you organize.
9. Hold off on buying new things for the house until you are SURE you need it. You’ll avoid buying things you don’t use and you’ll have time to learn where the best bargains are.
10. Bake some cookies/bread and take them to your neighbors. Don’t wait for them to come to you. Most long-time neighbors don’t need new friends… but you do. They’ll remember your cookies long after you move in.

Every move is another chance to make friends!

Amanda said:
When it comes to moving for your spouse's training/career, I think it all depends on where you'll be moving and your financial situation when you get there. I married my husband before his second year of medical school, and we decided to rent apartments during that time because we had to move at least twice. His "classroom" years were in one city and his rotation years were in another. Financially, we were living off his loans and what I was making working full time in schools or medical offices, so we could only afford to rent at the time. Since we were still in our home state during those years, our parents helped us look at neighborhoods and apartment complexes, and we also relied on our knowledge of the area when we moved to Indianapolis, because we'd gone to college there. After we found out that my husband had matched to a residency program in Columbus, Ohio, we set up an appointment with a realtor there to start looking at neighborhoods and houses. We decided to finally own a home because we knew we would be there for at least four years, we wanted to start building some equity, and at the time, the banks were willing to give us a substantial loan because of my husband's career choice.

Because he trained as an OB/GYN, he had to be within so many miles of the hospital for the purposes of call shifts. We found a nice, small, affordable (for that area) home that needed a lot of work. My in-laws, who like to flip houses on the side, helped us turn it into a much more livable place, and though we didn't sell it for as much as we would have liked, we definitely had improved it. During all these moves, we moved ourselves with the help of our families. It was more cost effective that way. During his fourth year of residency, my husband signed a contract with an OB/GYN office back in Indiana, and we immediately found a realtor who helped us look at neighborhoods and houses. It was probably due to the housing crisis that we only looked at seven houses and found the house we wanted among those seven. Again, there were a lot of factors that determined where we were going to live, most importantly the proximity to the hospital and my husband's new office, because babies can come at any time, and he'd need to get there fast to deliver them.

We decided to go ahead and move into an older home, since we only had so much time between the end of his residency and the beginning of his new job to move and get settled. However, we found a home that's been kept up very well and that doesn't need any kind of work, except possibly some updating here and there. Also, because his office was willing to pay for it, we hired a moving company this time, and I'm so glad we did! They were wonderful, and they saved us a lot of time and pain getting our valuables safely from one state to another. We plan on staying in our current home for a little while and then, we hope to build a new house some time in the near future.

In almost eight years of marriage, we've lived in four different cities. It can be rough at first, especially when you move somewhere far away from your family and friends and you don't know anyone in town. I highly suggest looking up your new city's government website. It usually lists events around town as well as any pertinent information regarding garbage pickup, water and other utilities, and the parks/recreation department in the area. I also suggest you try to join a moms' or play group in your new city. I've found that being a part of a group of other stay-at-home-moms has helped me become more independent and find my way around my new home towns very quickly. Most of the time, these groups will have scheduled events that are free or cheap, and they're a way to make friends for you and your kids. If you don't know where to start, try http://www.mamasource.com/ or http://www.meetup.com/, and enter in your zip code or location information. They are both great websites geared toward helping people connect with others in their area. Good luck, and I hope my rambling helps a bit!

Jennifer said:

We’ve “only” lived in three cities in thirteen years of marriage – thankfully Michael did his internship in the same city as med school and fellowship in the same city as residency – but moving still took its toll every time. I remember thinking before each move, “It just can’t possibly be as great as the place we’re leaving,” yet in the end, our new home ended up being even better than the last.

We owned a condo during med school/residency and our first house during residency/fellowship. If your finances allow for it, this is a nice option, and you may end up making a little money when you sell. Having said that, both times we were in a location with huge annual turnover of med students/residents, and we sold our house and our condo within days of listing it. If you’re not planning to live in such an area, renting might be a better option for you. You certainly don’t want to be stuck with a house you can’t sell when you’re ready to move to the next place.

If you are moving to a place that has a high turnover of medical students/residents/grad students, you should start looking during March/April before he starts his program during the summer. In my experience, there was a window of time during those months when everything would sell very quickly.

Living close to the hospital is always a perk, not only for middle-of-the-night trips to the hospital, but for the sake of family time at home. If his commute is long, his time at home will be even more limited than it already is. The expense and availability will vary from city to city – in Iowa City, there were several homes within walking distance to the hospital, but as you would expect, they were much more expensive than the homes on the outskirts. Take into account, too, whether or not he will be spending time at satellite offices, how much time he will spend there, and whether it is worth living closer to those offices.

When we moved from Houston to Iowa City, we packed most everything ourselves, but we had the movers do a “partial pack” of our valuable, breakable things (china, crystal, etc.) The only way they will insure a box is if they packed it themselves – so I would highly recommend that. When we moved to start his practice, part of his new contract included a moving allowance, so the movers packed and moved EVERYTHING – something else I would highly recommend. Make that part of your contract negotiations if you can.

For me, the very best part of moving is the cleaning out. During Michael's fellowship year, I walked around our house thinking, "Do I want to open a box and unpack that? Do I want to have to find a place to put it?" If the answer was no, away it went. I got rid of A LOT of stuff that year. Amazingly, we STILL unpacked boxes of junk! We joke that we need to tell ourselves we're moving every year or so solely for the cause of cleaning out.

Before you move, check out the AMA Alliance. This is a national group of medical spouses, and they do some great things for medical legislation and philanthropic causes. Their blog for the training years has listings for medical spouses’ groups at different programs. Even if your program does not have an organized spouses' group, someone from Alliance can put you in touch with an Alliance member in that city who can help you adjust to your new home and community and give you great advice about getting plugged in.

Hopefully your new community will have a medical spouses’ group. I was a member of Medical Partners in Iowa City during residency and fellowship, which provided an immediate group of new friends. We had playgroups, book clubs, cooking clubs, scrapbooking clubs, and Mom’s Night Outs. It was a lifeline for me!

(I know that Medical Partners has a page on their website with listings for houses/condos for sale by the outgoing Partners – that’s how we sold our house in Iowa City. Check with the spouses’ program or the Alliance in the area where you are going to see if there is something similar.)

If you strike out with a spouses’ group (or even if you don’t), there are lots of other great ways to get plugged in. I am a huge fan of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), which is an international organization – no matter where you move, you will very likely be able to find a chapter near you. Churches or other places of worship are great places to connect yourself within your community. If your kids are school-aged, by all means volunteer in your kids’ school and get to know the other parents. Or find a cause or organization you are passionate about and get involved. Whatever it is, you have to muster up the courage to put yourself out there and take the initiative to get to know those around you. I am naturally an introvert, but I have found that stepping up and getting involved in the leadership of different organizations is a great way to gain new friends quickly while using the gifts and abilities that fulfill me and give me a sense of purpose.

You may be tempted to think, “I’m only going to live here for X-number of years, and saying good-bye is always painful, so I’m just going to keep to myself and sweat it out alone.” Don’t do that. Life is meant to be lived in community, no matter the length of years, and some of your best friends just might come from the places you never expected.


Other resources:

International Medical Spouse Network - articles on relocation

Joy's Medical Mondays article on moving