Finding Happiness After a Disappointing Match

Match Day was years ago, but I still remember feeling my stomach drop when my husband read that he matched to the second-to-last program he ranked. His rank list was so long, and he had received such encouraging feedback; it was unimaginable he would match at a program ranked down in the double-digits. I ducked out of the Match Day party to weep, overwhelmed by shock and disappointment, and even a little bit of shame.

The cry you hear repeatedly is "We got our number one pick!" People say it so often it seems like no one gets anything except their first, or possibly second, choice. The reality is the only people who say anything are the minority of lucky students who matched at their top choices. The rest of us are silenced by stigma. Admitting you matched to anything other than number one is admitting that programs didn’t want you. Programs’ decisions for who they want most are largely arbitrary; they’re picking from a pool of well-qualified candidates they just met. This perceived rejection can make you believe the lie that you’re not good enough.

It took time to pick up the pieces of my lost dreams, but I’m grateful we matched where we did. My husband’s training has been solid, and the culture of his residency has been a better fit than he would likely have found elsewhere. His career will be fine. We’ve met wonderful people and had great experiences. We would still rather have our number-one pick, but we are happy and life is good. Life works out, but it can be an emotionally draining journey to make that happen.

When dealing with disappointment from the match, here are my thoughts for survival and growth:

• Don’t envy those who did better in the match. It accomplishes nothing and poisons you and your relationships with your friends who had better luck in this fickle process. So much of it is arbitrary, and chance has a huge role in it. Congratulate your friends for their good fortune, even if it takes time for you to genuinely feel happy for them.
• Don’t resent your husband or blame him for the match results. Let go of the "if only he had . . . ." thoughts, unless there’s a real lesson to be learned that can be applied to future experiences. Everyone has shortcomings and no one knows his better than you, but let them go. Go ahead and hate the match itself if you need to channel the anger toward something.
• "Comparison is the thief of joy." (Theodore Roosevelt) Don’t dwell on what might have been because distant grass always seems greener. We aren’t close enough to see other programs’ warts, so we assume they are better than the life we are living with all its bumps and imperfections. For example, one program we highly ranked seemed fantastic. I spent too much time thinking "If only we were there, then residency would be better, he’d be working less, and life would be wonderful." Several years post Match, my husband spoke at conferences with their residents. The program had education problems and a malignant culture. The wonderful promises they’d made during interviews hadn’t been kept. But because all I’d known was their excellent presentation during the interview process, they’d seemed ideal. No residency is perfect, and if you can’t see their flaws, you don’t really know them yet.
• Don’t badmouth your destination. Whatever institution you’re headed to has people who love it and are proud of it. Disparaging the program or the town can only burn bridges. So sure, tell your mom you’re disappointed, but limit that information to your inner circle and never on social media.
• Dive into your new city with gusto. Every city has something great to offer, whether it’s world class museums, a great park, or a fantastic neighbor. There’s a treasure there somewhere. You just have to find it.
• Establish your new place as home, both physically and in your heart. Home is where you and your partner live. It’s not where your parents live, and it’s not where you used to live. Invest a part of yourself in your new community.
• Build a tribe. It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a tribe to survive residency. Reach out to your local medical alliance chapter, get to know your neighbors, join a club, and if applicable, jump into your faith community. You will need people whom you can call on during the many times disaster strikes and your resident spouse is not available. Start building those relationships from day one and residency will be far less lonely.
• Build up and encourage your spouse. Being rejected by a long list of programs is likely just the first in a long series of residency experiences that will hurt his confidence and his feelings. Be sure to let him know that you are proud of the person he is and the doctor he is becoming.
• Find things to love in your program. I’m not saying convince yourself this is a better outcome than your top choice, but find the things that can be appreciated about where you are. There’s something to love about his program, whether it’s great medical benefits and research opportunities or fresh cookies in the cafeteria. Find things to be grateful for, even if you have to dig deep. Gratitude seeds happiness and dispels resentments. Choose to be happy where you are.

We are now preparing ourselves for a competitive fellowship match. This time I have more realistic expectations and a better attitude. I understand that matching anywhere should not be taken for granted, and getting the last spot on the list is still an accomplishment we are going to celebrate. If there are any tears this time, they’ll be tears of happiness.


By Anon.

Happy Wife, Happy Life, right?

Happy Wife, Happy Life, right?

by: Katie Allender 

Rank list. Oh yes, the rank list.  When it came time to rank anesthesia programs, I tried my best to relinquish control and allow my husband to “decide” where he preferred to go, where would be the best training, and ultimately where would be the best fit for us, as a newly married couple willing to try something “new.”  Every program had its strengths and weaknesses but big factors for us outside of the obvious were the design of the program, cost of living in the immediate area, the ability for me to find a teaching job, and things to do in the area (we love the outdoors!). After a few slight modifications, our rank list was complete; we still had a few reservations about some of our rankings, but in the end we opted not to stress about it because what should happen, would happen.

Well fast forward to Match Day and we matched at the University of Michigan. We were excited (elated, even!) at the opportunity to move and start our life together, just the two of us (or three of us rather, including the newly rescued dog).  I quit my teaching job and three days later we were packed up and moving 1,200 miles across from Denver to Ann Arbor.  We were so immersed with the move that we had almost forgot about the one reservation circulating around our move to Michigan.  While researching programs, we had learned that teaching jobs were exceptionally difficult to come by in and around Ann Arbor.  Before even moving, my husband was especially anxious at the idea of me quitting my desirable job back home and potentially not being able to find something out here. I assured him time and time again that we would make it work.  Well here we were in a new city scouting out teaching jobs, and his worst fear about moving came to reality.  I couldn’t find a job.  It never was about the money but more about my happiness and contentment with our new “home”; my husband’s biggest fear was that I would become resentful towards him.  Sure there were jobs to be had, but taking a job an hour or two away was not something that seemed all too practical given our situation.  It was hard for me to justify taking a position where I would be gone twelve or more hours a day (including drive time) coupled with a first year resident working brutally long, exhausting hours.  For a while I remained optimistic that something (anything!) would come along, but nothing ever did. I honestly think this situation became harder on my husband that it was on me.  All along, though, I had a “Plan B” – I would nanny! And quite frankly I was completely content with that decision. It wasn’t too long before I found an amazingly great family to nanny for. I love what I do and there are qualities about being a nanny that resemble teaching.  Do I miss teaching? Absolutely! Teaching is part of my identity.  But I also know that I’ll be back in the classroom before I know it; this current phase of our journey is a small hiccup in the grand scheme of things.

So, rather than choosing to be resentful toward my husband for “making me move,” I have chosen to make the most out of our time here.  I cannot say that it has all been unicorns and rainbows, but for the most part, our move has been a very rewarding, extremely liberating, and great for our marriage.  As any spouse or significant other in our situation can attest, there are times where I have felt lonely and just wished for a normal lifestyle; but with the help of an invaluable group of girlfriends who I have met out here, frequent happy hours, craft nights, book study meetings, and training for a half marathon (something I have desired to do for years), there is less time to dwell on my loneliness.  I make time for my husband when I know he will be off, but sitting around and waiting for him to get home will not make this process any less lonesome, less stressful, or go by any quicker.  Going out and getting involved is the best piece of advice I can give anyone in a situation remotely similar to ours. Do something you have always wanted to do! Take a class, learn a new hobby, travel to new areas, or join a club.  Meet new people! Enjoy growing in your relationship with your spouse!  Instead of viewing residency as something we do for our spouse and his/her career, I can only suggest that you take this time for yourself, too; it’s not easy doing what we do, but what we can control is making sure that this part of the journey is a positive one, one that will only last a short while.

match process took me down a road I wouldn’t have chosen

Hello reader : )

I don’t presume to know where you are with your hopes and fears regarding finding out where you’ll be headed for residency...what I do know is that the match process took me down a road I wouldn’t have chosen, and it was one of the more difficult periods of time in my life. It’s not hard to share though, because on this side of it God has allowed me to see at least some His purposes, and now even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing. I decided to write this all out, just in case God might use any of it to encourage people who are going through the match now. If you want to skip the story, there are some song lyrics at the end that were really meaningful to me as well :-) The story is written from my perspective as a Christian, which is honestly the only way I know to tell it. I’m not sure how it would’ve turned out if I had not had faith that there was a bigger plan that I couldn’t see...so I’m really thankful that I did and do. God is good.


I went into the residency application process with a firm belief in God’s sovereignty and control, and I’m thankful for that as it carried me through the months leading up to Match Day without an overwhelming amount of worry or anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, I did worry and have scary “what if” thoughts, but for the most part I trusted God with where we ended up (or at least I thought I did!). My husband and I made decisions on the order of his rank list together, and he considered me and my wishes a great deal, choosing not to even apply to many programs that would have been good for his career but hard for me. In his school’s very public Match Day ceremony where everyone stood on stage, opened their letters and announced where they were going, there were so many overjoyed people who were immediately in celebration mode upon seeing where they matched. I sat there in anticipation of it being my turn to be the excited, celebratory one. I had subconsciously convinced myself that our first choice must have been God’s plan, and I wasn’t spiritually or emotionally prepared for some of the other possible outcomes.


My husband went on stage and read aloud where he would be going, which was our second choice (but if I had had my own personal rank list, would’ve been further down the list). I still remember the look of surprise and quick flash of excitement on his face when he read it, and then the way his expression fell when he saw my reaction. I was devastated. That sounds dramatic, but it really is the word for how I felt. I was immensely disappointed and was almost immediately in a place of despair about what my life would be like in this place that I really didn’t want to go. For the rest of the match ceremony, I was holding back sobs and trying to act as happy for him as I could, and he was feeling so much sadness for how I felt and trying to suppress his own excitement in going to a program he had much respect for.


In retrospect, I tried to think back to our rank list conversations and remember how that program came to be our second choice. And I tried to figure out how on earth I went through the process not being more prepared for getting our second choice. I would’ve been fine with some of the programs further down the list, but for some reason, I was not prepared for this one. The only thing I can figure is that God used this to stretch my faith to places I didn’t think it could go, which was great preparation for the upcoming challenges of residency.I cried a lot for the first few days, less as the weeks went on, and by the time we actually moved, God had lovingly given me real peace with where we were headed and even a bit of excitement. I might have reached that point sooner if I had been more honest with God about my feelings after the match. I don’t remember feeling angry at God, but I did feel very forgotten by God. This program seemed good for my husband, but what about me? Did that not matter? It took me several weeks to finally break down and admit those feelings, but when I did it was significant. It opened me up to allow God to heal me and give me hope, and that’s what He did. Some people might say that we are ultimately subject to the residency matching algorithms and that God can work good from that no matter where we end up being matched. But I firmly believe that we are not ultimately subject to the residency match process any more than we are subject to the fate written on the piece of paper inside a fortune cookie. Yes, this process is big and intimidating, but God is bigger. The same thing we’re trying to teach our two year old is what God is constantly teaching me! Through all the moving parts of how you did on your boards, where you apply, where you are offered interviews, how charismatic you were during your interviews, and how you and the programs all rank each other...God is working to put us exactly where He wants us. We are not subject to the system, the system is subject to Him.

Sometime in the last couple of years, I was encouraged about God’s sovereignty by the story of Mordecai in the book of Esther. Mordecai overheard a scheme to kill the king and reported it to the officials, which in turned saved the king’s life (Esther 2:21-23). His act of reporting this scheme was recorded in the book of chronicles, but no other accolades are mentioned. Later, an official named Haman grew to hate Mordecai because he did not bow down to him. Among other events, Haman planned to have Mordecai hanged for this supposed disrespect, and intended to go to the king to have this plan authorized the next day. All in God’s plan to save Mordecai’s life--God caused the king to not be able to sleep that night, and in his sleeplessness he decided to read through the book of chronicles. In reading this book, he providentially came across Mordecai’s reporting of the plot to kill the king. In turn when Haman approached the king the next day to propose his plot to hang Mordecai, the king instead ordered Haman to give Mordecai high honors for his deed from the past that had saved the king’s life. All of that to say--if God wanted Mordecai to live, He could’ve accomplished it a thousand ways, including just striking Haman dead. But instead, He worked through the intricacies of the situation as it was...keeping the king awake all night, causing him to rummage through an old record book and find that particular record on that particular night. Things like this are all through scripture, and it encourages me to think of God working this way...entering into the way things work and directing the outcomes for His glory. No matter what happens, there is such security for me in that. For many weeks after the match, I daydreamed about if Match Day had gone differently and would’ve jumped at the chance to change programs if that had been an option. But within a few months, I stopped daydreaming and wishing things had gone differently. Even though I couldn’t yet see the reasons we were here, my faith had grown and helped me to not only trust God but also find real contentment in what He was doing with my life.


Now here I am, five years into this place that I never would’ve picked. And very honestly, if I could go back knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change anything. God taught me so much and brought me closer to Him through this, and that is worth all of it. I don’t even think about whether life would’ve been better at my first choice--I honestly don’t care. I can see now that God wanted us here, so this is where I want to be. I can see how He is using this program to prepare us for a future in medical missions that we have been hoping for, and we’ve experienced rich community here in great churches. I want this life where God took me (albeit kicking and screaming), not where I would’ve picked.


So if you get your first choice on Match Day, praise God! And if you don’t, be honest about how you feel to God but still praise Him. Either way, you will be where He wanted you all along, and He can see so much more of what we need than we can. Below are excerpts from songs that I absolutely wore out listening to leading up to and after the match. I just needed to remind myself of truth all the time, because I couldn’t keep that perspective on my own.



I do not ask to see the way my feet will have to tread;
 But only that my soul may feed upon the living Bread.
 'Tis better far that I should walk by faith close to His side;
 I may not know the way I go, but oh, I know my Guide.

 (His Love Can Never Fail)

 His call we obey, like Abram of old, not knowing our way, but faith makes us bold; 
 For though we are strangers we have a good Guide, and trust in all dangers, the Lord will provide When Satan appears to stop up our path, and fill us with fears, we triumph by faith; 
 He cannot take from us, though oft he has tried, this heart-cheering promise, the Lord will provide

 (The Lord Will Provide)


Whate'er Thy providence denies, I calmly would resign;
 For Thou art just, and good, and wise, O bend my will to Thine.
 Whate'er Thy sacred will ordains, O give me strength to bear;
 And let me know my Father reigns, and trust His tender care.

(My God, My Father, Blissful Name)


Well, that’s the end of my long-winded story--thanks for listening! God is good and faithful, praying that you can find hope in that no matter what Match Day

SOAP Process

A few months ago, I shared some advice on avoiding the SOAP.  Unfortunately, there will always be people who end up in the SOAP process.  So, I’m here to give some advice from a been there, done that perspective.

Match Week for us was supposed to be very different.  My husband was actually on an “off” rotation that week.  Thus, we were supposed to spend all of it celebrating.  Monday morning, I burned nervous energy getting ready to go out to lunch after we received the “You Matched!” email.  Since we did med school on the east coast, it was perfect to have the email arrive at noon.  My husband went to log in a few minutes early, thinking he’d just refresh it once noon hit, and I was with him.  However, the email came a couple minutes early, leaving him calling out that he hadn’t matched.  I told him he shouldn’t joke as I ran into the room.  Then, we began to deal with too many emotions to count.

A minute or two after noon, a list of all available positions in the SOAP was posted in the Registration, Ranking, and Results (R3) System.  We used those couple minutes to swallow our emotions because they weren’t helpful at that point.  There is literally a critical two hour window that requires many important decisions.  Once that list was posted, we selected 30 programs (the maximum) to apply to through SOAP.  Then, we grabbed our baby and headed in to talk with the dean over my husband’s class.  She gave us a little guidance and reassured us that we were on the right track with the programs we’d selected.  Just a couple minutes after 2 pm, we submitted those 30 applications through ERAS.

As I’d mentioned in my last post, we pursued Emergency and SOAPed into Family.  We had a few things going for us in the SOAP process that I’d mentioned in my earlier post—FM faculty letters, a good personal statement for FM, and good scores for being competitive in FM.  We wanted to SOAP into a family spot, so we applied to every opening within a few states in any direction (FM tends to prefer more local applicants), but we also applied for every open spot left at our home school.

Once the applications were  in, life became a waiting game.  Programs generally conduct phone interviews with their tops choice applicants.  With some programs, it was a somewhat casual process.  With others, a room full of people on speakerphone investigated my husband.  A couple students had residents call as well.  We kept a notebook ready, and my husband would repeat back pertinent details over the phone so that I could overhear and jot them down.  This process continued well into Monday evening and all day Tuesday.  In addition, my husband sat down with a program chair regarding a spot at our school and had to manage email correspondence.  Wednesday morning, there were a couple final calls trying to determine our interest level in particular programs.  We had 3 or 4 programs that we felt were serious about us as we waited for the first round of offers at noon.  No offers came.

At this point, the panic started to set in.  We were allowed to submit 10 more applications, so we did that immediately.  DON’T DO THAT!  You need to wait to see who still has openings at 2 pm before applying.  Half of our applications were wasted on programs with no spots left.  Once 2 pm hit, though, we noticed that 2 of the programs that expressed a sincere interest in my husband still had a spot left.  (This meant the program offered it to someone, but the student likely accepted a different offer.)  My husband immediately called the programs to let them know he was still interested.  Since that day, our program has let us know it was the best phone call my husband ever made.  It was that call that sealed the deal to offer the final spot to him.  Finally, at 3 pm, we had two offers in R3, and selected the one we wanted more.  Those were literally the roughest 51 hours of my life, but I am so grateful it didn’t last longer.  Had we not matched, there would have been three rounds of offers (9, noon, and 3) on Thursday and Friday to endure, with only 5 more applications being allowed on Thursday.

On Friday, we were still able to attend Match Day and received an envelope like everyone else.  However, we knew what was inside.  Also, the letter did not start with “You Matched!” like everyone else’s, but our gratitude at having a program was so high that we didn’t really care.  Friends struggled with being unhappy over where they matched; we were just grateful to be continuing on in our training.

Now, hopefully none of this information is necessary for anyone who reads this post.  However, you may know someone who does end up in the process.  What should you do or not do?  First and foremost, be a good friend.  This can be very traumatic.  Think about how you would respond to another crisis.  We forgot to eat most of those couple days.  My sister (who lived in another state) offered to order a pizza for us, and it was the most helpful and thoughtful thing anyone did.  Our family also learned that no news isn’t good news.  They didn’t hound us for updates, which we really, really appreciated.  We sent updates by mass text every few hours but didn’t really talk on the phone at all because we wanted the lines open for programs to call.

If it is you that is in the SOAP process, please take care of yourself.  I felt the need to be strong for my husband, so I didn’t let him see me cry.  However, it had to get out.  I took long, hot showers and just let my emotion melt away.  Tuesday night, my husband rushed out to Subway before they closed and came back with a redbox movie, too.  We needed that release to laugh and breathe.  Unfortunately, between the stress of the SOAP process, and our son having his first cold, we didn’t sleep more than a couple hours a night.  There were long, productive conversations in there, but we got so worn down that we both ended up sick by the end of the week.  

Perhaps most importantly, when you do get into a spot, celebrate!  Matching in the SOAP process didn’t feel as celebratory as if we’d matched to begin with, but we forced it.  We allowed my in-laws to treat us to our favorite restaurant the next time we saw them, and they insisted we really enjoy it.  I was very grateful for that.  

Looking back, I don’t know that I would change what happened.  We are in our ideal situation for residency and know that Family is a much better fit than Emergency for our long term goals.  My husband is happier with Family as well.  That week was horrible and still makes me queasy just to think about, but it got us to where we are now…and that makes me very grateful for the process.

Residency Roundup: Getting Started

Welcome to Residency Roundup!  

My name is Cami!  I am married to an overworked PGY2 surgery resident and have two amazing little children that enrich our lives.   I am excited to share pieces of wisdom, hope, help, and support to families currently in residency and those preparing for it.

So, I am a list person.  Anything that I can write in list form I do.  After match day two years ago new lists began:  what sequence to pack up our tiny, gross apartment;  housing options in our new residency town;  meals that would clear out my pantry, freezer , and fridge;  graduation invites; etc... 

After we successfully and efficiently moved to residency, we realized we had no list ready for the next steps.  The following was developed from trial and error, luck, and a little research. Here is the list we needed two years ago!  

Find and Know this Information ASAP-

• First paycheck - When will it come?  
• DrH's program pays once a month, so the first paycheck came in August!! In addition to all the moving/relocating expenses, we used a short term loan from our parents to bide the time. 
• Vacation Requests - Find out when they are due, turn them in, don't miss the deadline.
• Human Resources - Read through the HR packets to understand your benefits and if you need to enroll in programs. 
• Our residency has a one-time smartphone or PDA reimbursement I found by reading everything.
• Opening socials - When are they? Make the effort to attend.
• We had one for DrH's program and one for the resident support group for spouses and families. 
• Residency Graduation - When is it? Are you invited?
• The incoming interns, in our program, are requested to attend the outgoing chiefs graduation dinner.  We are glad we made the effort to go, a short one week after med school graduation. 

To Do list for the first month- 

        (hopefully before DrH begins rotations)

• Find House to rent or own - We rented sight-unseen, so we planned a meet and greet with the landlord.
• Appliances - Our rental didn't come with a refrigerator.  One had to be secured within the first 48 hours.  Luckily we still had some time left on our moving truck to help us haul it from the store to our home.
• Set up utilities - You will need joint access to all accounts.
• Set up internet - We pay more for the extra fast internet for logging onto DrH's EMR, writing notes, and checking images.
• Local phone number - Look into Google Voice for your cell phone, if you don't want to change your number.
• Purchase a pager plan - Does your program supply one?
• Car insurance - A move to another state means different rates. (We seem to always move to a more expensive area). Call and find a new agent early on.
• Renters or home owners insurance
• Buy a second car - Which includes a smog check, insurance, and registration. 
• Parking pass for DrH's hospital- Is it provided by program?
• DMV trip - Our new state allots 10 days from your move-in date to get your license and car registration changed over.  We had to take the drivers test, thankfully easier than Step1;) 
• Medical/Dental benefits - Assign a PCP
• Thank you notes for graduation gifts
• Fill your new refrigerator 
• Meet neighbors 
• Find a Church and a Gym
• Find new friends for children
• Explore new city

Good luck forming your lists!

Cami


Leave comments below with what went wrong with your residency relocation, what could have been avoided, and what worked great!!

A Different Type of Survivor Story: When Match Day Goes Awry

By: Anonymous

Match Day season is upon us. A date that I became aware of long before my med student husband was cognizant of the fact that while we got to “pick” from among our med school acceptances, residency would be left up to the whim of a secret computer algorithm… Match Day was a day that I looked forward to with dread and excitement for 4 years.  A day that I could finally begin planning the next 4-5 years of our life… I am a long-term planner, and I held on to that date in my countdown calendar for all I was worth.

Too often in medicine (…and dare I say, life?) we only hear success stories (and even the failures that turn into success). We hear well-deserved gleeful shout-outs about outstanding board scores, enthusiastic reports of matching at one’s #1 choice, or the coveted perception of having a virtual pick of specialties and programs. Match Day is the culmination of years of hard work, and while not everyone’s match is their dream come true, those are the stories most advertised. There’s the occasional tale of a scramble (now known as the SOAP), or the rare resident who changed specialties mid-residency to pursue the dream, but it all ends well, and everything is still ultimately part of the Divine Plan. Anything less than success is not possible – you got into med school and you’ve passed with flying colors, right?

Then the unthinkable happens… it happens to you. If your story isn’t one you want to shout from the rooftops or ever relive again, welcome to our journey. Match Day is a dark cloud in our once sunny road of being married to medicine, and at one point we weren’t sure if there would ever be a rainbow at the end. I want to share our experience, because I am sure there are others out there who feel as alone as I did, amidst a sea of “We Matched!” success stories.

The long, dark night:

As you may have guessed, we did not Match. I say “we” because we have a team mentality that shapes our identity as a couple. However, not matching wasn’t the worst of it for us. The worst was that we were also not able to immediately scramble. Due to a still inexplicable chain of events, my husband’s “good” med school GPA had somehow translated into a Step 2 board exam score that fell just shy of the mark needed to pass. So, he studied hard and retook it, but the first available date was later than we had expected, and on the retake he barely fell short… again. Not having a Step 2 board score meant he was ineligible to apply for post-match positions (we are unsure of what this would have meant if he had matched at a program).

The timing of it all made it worse. Why?? WHY did this happen to us? Why now, when there was no time to retake the exam before the match? He had never significantly struggled academically in undergrad or beyond the normal challenges of med school. Practice board scores were average. Step 1 was a relative breeze. No repeated classes. A better than average GPA. Nothing that could have predicted a Step 2 failure for sure. We could point at this or that possibility – having the flu on the first test date, severe anxiety on the second…? Or a divine lesson or punishment from above? Overanalyzing did not help.

We had to honestly evaluate where we stood and where we could potentially go at that point.

“That point”, a time when we both seriously questioned the decision to pursue medicine, came down to a bottom line of $200,000 in student loan debt that we couldn’t simply wish away. We understandably felt that the door had slammed shut in our face. Clinically, he was beloved by patients and preceptors and had gathered outstanding letters of recommendation. We knew that logically, standardized test scores aren’t the best factor in determining what makes a good doctor, but that didn’t help our nightmare. Worse yet, our med school had a three-strikes-you’re-out board exam policy, meaning that this dream of medicine could go up in smoke mere months from graduation, unless he could produce a final successful attempt at this now dreaded exam. To further crucify our hopes, we found out that he did not pass the exam retake the night before Match Day… instead of an envelope of dreams containing our life’s destiny for the next four years, Match Day gave us an anti-climactic email stating the dreaded truth: we didn’t match, not even at the program that had promised us the moon (we had taken their words with a huge grain of salt, but there was still that desperate hope). Oh, the timing…

It was like everything in our lives crumbled into a pile of dust… we shut down our social media accounts, turned off texting, and let the phones ring. We left a host of friends and family clamoring publicly and privately for match results, wanting to rejoice with us… not realizing that every well-meant inquiry only drove the nails deeper into our hearts. (I have since stopped asking anyone where they matched, unless it is publicly announced.) Of all the things we have weathered together as a couple, this was our darkest hour. Until this experience, we had always had hope and my husband’s relentless ambition… he had proven he could beat many odds, yet now we were faced with “one last chance” that felt insurmountable.

One of the hardest things was all the phone calls from program directors that came in after the Match, hoping my husband would scramble into their unfilled position… phone calls that abruptly ended with the news that he did not yet have a step 2 board score. We were in the depths of despair. It felt like if he’d only had a passing Step 2 score at that moment, he would’ve been into a scramble spot within minutes of the You-Didn’t-Match bombshell.  I’m not even going to pretend that we handled this well… we are very private and we suffered privately – we had been burned, so to speak, when a classmate spread news all over that he didn’t pass the first time. This time it turned my husband into a shell of who he once was. It took our marriage to a new low, and nearly destroyed us. We only had each other. Through all of it, it was my husband’s willingness to seek help to move forward that eventually saved us…  he reached out to the school and his preceptor, applied different study methods, and took an anti-anxiety medication to get himself through the third exam attempt. Fortunately, it worked.

The light at the end of the tunnel:

Fast-forwarding a few months, my husband passed the exam on the third and final attempt… scores were of course delayed until the absolute last possible moment. Finally eligible to apply for post-match spots, we found that process was also not easy (hello, another round of expenses interviewing around the country) when finally The Position presented itself… At long last, it was as if the heavens opened and angels sang! Rather than feeling we were trying to kick down the door, it finally felt that the door swung wide open and the red carpet rolled out… He got a spot in a specialty we had never considered, in a location off of our previous radar of consideration. He accepted the spot on Friday and left for work on Monday. Even in our shock, we rejoiced.

Life was a whirlwind. It completely ripped us out of our comfort zone. Yet, he feels fulfilled. He is happy. WE are happy. He thanks God every day that he gets to help people; that he GETS to do medicine. And thankfully, clinical skills are his strength, even if standardized testing isn’t - so he has earned much praise and respect from his superiors. Looking back on our Match experience, we questioned then if medicine was the path meant for us. The miraculous details of how things played out, most of which I have not included here, left us zero doubt that THIS is where we were meant to be, doing what he is meant to be doing.

I will not question that life in medicine is hard, as is being married to it. However, our experience not matching left us humbled and forever grateful for what we see as divine intervention getting us to where we are today. I vowed during our nightmare that if things worked out, gratitude would forbid me from ever complaining about the “perks” of residency.

Being in medicine is a privilege, and too often I have heard unconventional match stories end with “But it all worked out and this is exactly where we were meant to be, doing what we are meant to be doing.” It sounds cliché, and the rollercoaster ride that results in such a statement is not an experience I would wish on anyone. I truly hope your match day IS a dream come true, but whatever happens - whether or not you end up in our shoes – cling to that thought: It WILL All Work Out. Obviously, not as we had planned or hoped. We truly believe that the hardest journeys produce the deepest perspectives and the most profound gratitude… and possibly, some of the best doctors.

It is so easy to be bogged down in the hardships of this life… and I’ll be honest – of course, ours is not the worst case scenario. There are beautiful, strong, amazing people who go through what we went through more than once. I say – without any judgment to any who verbally lament their suffering – that we are grateful to be in a special breed of medicine and to have our unique perspective. Not matching the way we had planned changed our perception of thankfulness and appreciation for the privilege of being here. And once those stinkin’ student loans are paid off, he is more than welcome to go work for the sanitation company or the Peace Corps or anywhere else he chooses… but I have a feeling that since medicine is what he loves, he will continue on this path… and I will stand proudly by his side.

Don't leave me hangin'!

Where is everyone headed? (Matching/Scrambling/Fellowships whatever)

Advice for med students attending residency interviews

This is from reader Camilla:

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My husband is in his fourth year of Gen Surgery residency and has been doing a research year so he finally has had the chance to sit in on a lot of night-before socials with applicants and ranking meetings. I thought I might pass on some of this information to wives of potential applicants.

First, take time to learn about the program-- even if you think it is at the bottom of your list. When an applicant says something like, "I really like your program," the natural follow-up question will be, "Why? What in particular do you like?" If you can't answer intelligently, you will look like a dumbo. On the converse side, don't seem too overeager. One applicant told my husband he really liked the program and couldn't wait to come out for a second look. This comment made my husband wonder why he didn't just ask his questions now while he was at the site. I'm sure the applicant was just trying to sound interested, but he sounded like he was gunning. . . I guess you had to be there?

Anyway, show your interest with interesting, well-thought-out questions, not anything that remotely resembles kissing-up.

Second, stay away from controversial issues like politics. Just don't talk about it. Not in an interview. No. No. No. No matter what you say, you will irritate someone when your comment gets repeated in rank meetings.

Third, don't brag to the current residents during socials. You may think your score is high-- and it may be-- but that information is listed on your application. When rank meeting time comes, the number is clear to everyone. If you came across braggy before-hand, it is often perceived as arrogance. Also, don't brag about how many chest tubes you put in during your rotations or how many whipples you've observed, you are talking to residents who have had more experience than you. Don't try to make yourself seem cool. Be cool for who you are, not by trying to out-do a resident- the resident will win. And the resident will be bugged.

Fourth, don't share your marital/relationship troubles with the residents at socials. Just don't do it. You will seem needy. Don't tell them your wife doesn't think she can support you in a rigorous specialty. That is between you and your wife. If you share this with the residents, they want to protect their program. They don't have a colleague who will be calling them to cover shifts cause their wife is having a bad day.

Dress nicely. If you show up in jeans and t-shirt, most people won't take you seriously.

Finally, be yourself. Have a good reason about why you are pursuing a specific specialty.

DO Match Day!

YAY! It is finally here! Anyone want to get on and let us know where you are going and what specialty you are?

Survivor Saturdays: Packing It In

Match Day is over and some of you are already thinking about what you have to do in preparation for a move. Don't forget to check City-Data for information on your new location. Lots of realtors participate in the site, and they are very willing to answer questions about neighborhoods, schools, churches, etc. Also consider answering some questions about where you've been living for a while: you know... a little "pay forward" so to speak.

Angie's List is also a great resource for finding reputable movers, childcare facilities, etc but contact the site first and ask how many people are signed up in your immediate area. Some cities have large populations of members who post, but smaller cities are sometimes not worth the membership.

Want to know where the good restaurants are? Search online for a restaurant review site such as We8There, Dine, or TripAdvisor. Some areas have their own restaurant review site, too, like UrbanSpoon in Kentucky or B4UEat in Houston.

Also remember if you are hiring a moving company to move you, get a firm quote that includes a maximum charge. Otherwise, you may find you get hit with hidden charges and overweight fees you didn't expect. Buy the workers pizza and bottled water if you want to incent them to move faster or handle carefully.

Survivor Saturdays: Taking Friends with You

Pretty soon, your and your friends will scatter across the country. You'll all be settling into new communities, new friendships, and new stages in your lives. If you don't take steps to stay in contact now, you'll find your closest friends will become strangers.

As impossible as this seems, consider planning a yearly get-away where you all reunite. It can be men one time, women the next, couples, or families. Some of our friends did this and they have great memories and a long history of fun times together. My sister joins her friends in a cabin rental every year to scrapbook and catch up. The men take a golf trip and talk about their year. She looks forward to this time with her long-time friends. M and I didn't commit to doing anything annually, and now I really regret it. The "let's get together sometime" turned into years, and in some cases even decades. If only we had taken the time...

Your get-togethers don't have to be costly and they don't have to exclude kids. But investing in friendships that will go with you whereever you end up is a worthwhile investment. Consider a quarterly skype session, or a family summer beach trip. Just take the time to keep these very special friendships strong.

D.O. MATCH!

Okay, all you MSIV D.O. wives!!! Let's hear it! Where are you going? What specialty?