interview season...

hey ladies- have a question for anyone who might have an answer. my (soon to be) dr.h and I are trying to plan our wedding. he just realized we're going to have to change the date (to unknown) after finding out that interviews go longer than he thought. just wondering if any of you have (or know someone who) has gone through interviews for ct surgery fellowships. what was it like? does anyone know approx. when interview season begins and ends? is it crazy busy? if anyone knows, please let a very sad and disappointed girl know so she can try to set a new wedding date! thanks.

If I only had.....

In our lives as spouses of doctors, medical students, and residents we can very easily get trapped in the, "If I can just make it through 4 more years," "If I only have the money to...." and other negative mindsets due to the fact that most of the time we are in the background supporting our spouse and not seeing the action. We are home with the piles of laundry, screaming children, and cartoon that has to be replay a hundred times a day. But this wonderful message came into my inbox today and I thought it might just give some of us that are struggling with our positions right now, some encouragement. Take what you like, leave the rest at the door!

www.proverbs31.org/

If Only I Had …

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 (NIV)There's a simple little script many of us play in our mind—simple, yet incredibly dangerous. Dare I say it's one of the biggest things that hold us back from feeling fulfilled in our relationship with God. It's a script tangled in a lie that typically goes something like this: I could really be happy and fulfilled if only I had …

… a skinnier body
.… a husband
.… a husband who was more tender and romantic
.… more money
.… a more successful career
.… a better personality
.… a baby
.… smarter kids.

I don't know what your "if only I had" statements are, but I do know that none of them will bring fulfillment. They might bring temporary moments of happiness… but not true fulfillment.In the book I just wrote, Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl, I expose the "if only I had" lie with this truth: Apart from a thriving relationship with God, even if we got everything on our list, there would still be a hollow gap in our soul.Instead of saying, "If only I had" and filling in the blank with some person, possession, or position, make a choice to replace that statement with God's truth. Here are some examples that have helped me battle the temptation to let people, possessions, or positions take God's place in my life.

People -

I no longer say, "If only I had a daddy who loved me.…" Instead, I say, "Psalm 68:5 promises God will be a father to the fatherless."Maybe your gap isn't left by an absent father but by a friend who hurt you. Or perhaps a husband who left you. Or the children you've longed to have and still don't. Whatever that gap is, God is the perfect fit for your emptiness. Pray this paraphrase of Luke 1:78–79: "Because of the tender mercy of my God by which the rising sun will come to me from heaven—to shine on my darkness and in what feels like the shadow of death to me—I will find peace."

Possessions -

I no longer say, "If only I had more possessions …." Instead, I recite Matthew 6:19–21: "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."Any possession I ever long for, no matter how good it may seem, will only be good for a limited time. In light of eternity, every possession is in the process of breaking down, becoming devalued, and will eventually be taken from us. If I set my heart solely on acquiring more things, I'll feel more vulnerable with the possibility of loss.Possessions are meant to be appreciated and used to bless others. They were never meant to be identity markers. It's not wrong to enjoy the possessions we have as long as we don't depend on them for our heart's security.

Position-

I no longer say, "If only I had a better position .…" Instead, I say the words of Psalm 119:105: "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." I don't need a better position to get where I should go. I don't have to figure out my path and jockey to get ahead. I need God's Word to guide me. As I follow Him and honor Him step-by-step, I can be assured that I'm right where He wants me to be doing what He wants me to do.

Whatever "if only I had" statement you are struggling with, you can replace it with solid truths from Scripture that will never leave you empty. It's a bold assertion to make but it's true. When God's Word gets inside of us, it becomes the new way we process life. It rearranges our thoughts, our motives, our needs, and our desires. Our soul was tailor-made to be filled with God and His truth, therefore, it seeps into every part of us and fills us completely.

Hello Dr.'s wives and significant others!

My husband and I dated throughout his last 2 years of medical school and he is currently in his intern year. His third year was expectedly busy. His fourth year promised more time for us. Unfortunately, my now husband decided to volunteer for an ultra sound clinic and be involved in an ultra sound study. He was also active in the emergency medicine journal club as well as mentoring “younger” medical students. Because of all of these commitments, his fourth year was similar to his third. Now that he is in his intern year, once again he is constantly busy. Something I expected and am getting used to. In fact, when he is home, it is almost weird.

I have recently watched a documentary titles “Doctor’s Diaries” from the television program, NOVA. It is about a person who followed 7 Harvard Medical School medical students throughout their four years (starting in 1987) along with their residency programs. He also touched base with them in the year 2000 and again in 2008.

After watching this program, I realized that a lot of the doctors went in directions I did not expect. Two of them do not even practice and one literally has to fly around the country to get work because of his bad reputation as a doctor. In terms of marriages or relationships, all of them have had failed or are struggling in their relationships. 2 out of 7 work so much they never married, 4 out of 7 divorced their first spouse and are on their second with one on his fourth marriage, and one got married at 38 years old. When the spouses and current spouses were interviewed or talked about, they expressed the fact that their husband/wife was not around much, even as an attending. I have to admit this really worries me.

My schema of how my now husband’s life would go is changing. I thought he would have time once he is an attending. Yet, all of the attendings from this show at some point, see patients, are involved in research, teach, and do administrative work all at the same time. Thus keeping the same schedule as a resident.

My questions is how can you balance life and work when all your time is devoted to work? I just know if my husband decides to get involved in research, teaching, administration (all of which he has expressed interest), as well as seeing patients, we will not last. I cannot support a workaholic and am wondering how I can support my husband without being on the back burner 24/7. I want to avoid a potential divorce, but do not know how to do it without telling my spouse I will not support him in all the extra curricular activities he wants to participate in throughout his career. I have talked to him about this, and he has nothing really to say. He simply blamed society on expecting so much out of doctors.

Hush

My boyfriend is in his 3rd year of internal medicine residency, and we are living together this year. I though this would mean we would have more time together, but he says he needs an hour to relax when he comes home without having to make conversation, and since he has to go to sleep early and also work on reports at home, I feel like we never have much time to talk. Is it typical for residents to not want totalk to their significant others for an hour after they get home? I'm worried if he will still be like this next year, and if this will be a problem once we have kids.

Thanks,T.R.

4th Year Away Rotations

Hi ladies! I wanted to pose a question to you all about away rotations during 4th year of medical school. My husband and I have been discussing how we should decide where to apply for an away rotation. He wants to do orthopedics. His opinion is to do one rotation in each region of the country so as to show that you would be willing to move to that area for residency. My opinion is to apply to the specific programs you want to attend for residency the most.

So! What did your husbands do? What are your opinions and wisdom on this? Thanks! :)

Stereotypes

Are there stereotypes for how a doctor's wife should look? Go join the discussion at Secret Lives of Doctor Wives. We are really interested to hear your opinion. You can even comment anonymously.

Poll

There is a new poll up. Sorry, but there are a LOT of holidays, so I didn't include them all. If you select other, please let us know in next week's discussion which holiday is your favorite.

Any comments on last week's poll? My DrH is PGY3. Wow. This is a long road... I'm interested to hear from the 'applying to med school' group. Do you find this blog useful? Scary? Encouraging?

Also, I'm running low on poll ideas. Please leave a comment or email me with some new ideas. Thanks!

Rotation

My boyfriend is looking for a 2 week rotation in radiology in the Washington DC Metro Area. I wanted to pose the question of wheather anyone has done something in the area, knows a radiologist in the area they could set him up with, anything!!! We have been together 3 yrs and he have been long distance since he started Medical School a little over 2 years ago. We are looking to have him be here in DC with me for a little bit of time for his elective rotation!

Poll

Let's hear about last week's poll. I love to find out why people picked the month they picked to get married.

I'm a bit surprised that December had almost as many votes as June. I wonder why that is??

Interviews

Gail is still looking for more wives of guys in undergrad, med school, residency and practice.

Contact her at gkonopbaker@gmail.com. Thanks!

Housing during med school

Kristin emailed in a question. So, let's hear what you think, ladies!


Did you live on campus while your husband was in med-school? Did you live off campus? What was your experience like? My boyfriend and I are looking into where we should live once he is in med-school/after we are married and we are considering living on campus, however, I'm just curious as to what everyone else's experience has been/is! I know, every situation is different, but any advice would be great!

Poll

The new poll is up.

Any comments on the last poll about what kind of city you would like to live in when you are all done with the education aspect of this career?

Stresses of Life

although i'm only in my second year as a "doctor wife" i have already learned a lot. my husband and i have been married for almost 4 1/2 years and we just had our third baby in june. i've always thought of myself as a fairly balanced individual and one who doesn't stress out too easily. that felt like it was all going to come crashing down on me at times last fall.

one day my sister posted a link to an article from our church magazine written in 1994. the title "the stresses of life" first caught my eye and i didn't realize until i went back to read it that it was an article my mom had written. my mom is a social worker and very good at what she does (of course, i'm completely biased!). you can read it here (http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=e45f425e0848b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD) if you're interested. yes, i am lds (or mormon), but whether you are or not, i think there are definitely some good things to glean from this.

another good read is "spin sisters" by myrna blyth (if you look up the complete title you'll also know my political persuasion : ) and that's okay by me!). i recommend the book to everyone, but blyth has a chapter on stress toward the beginning that i think is really worth reading. it changed my way of thinking. it really helped me to see that we create so much of our own stress - and there is no need to. not only do we not need to, we shouldn't!

another thing i'd like to share is something i talked to my mom about last fall. i knew we were where we needed to be (still do and still are!) but i was often having a hard time with things (i had two boys 2 and under with a baby girl on the way). things often came down to me saying/thinking, "i know we need to be here for spencer. he needs to be in school at osu. we are where we need to be." my mom pointed out that if it's the right thing for us as a family and for spencer as an individual, it's the right thing for me as an individual - not just as a support for spencer, but for me to grow into the kind of person that i need to be and that God wants me to become. if we're here for spencer it means we're here just as much for me. at that point i started praying differently. it was no longer asking for help to be happy with my situation but to help me know what my purpose here is and to be happy with that.

something that i will continue to learn is to have zero expectation when it comes to spencer - not because he's a horrible husband and doesn't help, but because his schedule is such that he can't help in all the areas he'd like to. i've also lowered my expectations on what i want done around the house. i have three kids and they are my priority. i've also stopped feeling bad for not doing certain tasks around the house because if spencer really wanted them done, he could find the time to do it himself. i'm just grateful that he doesn't care so much about those things either and that he would rather spend his time with me and the kids when he has the chance.

faith

Doctor wife interviews

This message is from my friend Gail Konop Baker:

Hello Fellow Doctors' Wives! I am the proprietress of the blog The Secret Lives of Doctors' Wives.

Please stop by and join the discussion! I promise to respond!

I am also looking for DW's to interview for a book. It would all be confidential of course! If you're interested, please contact me at gkonopbaker@gmail.com

Thanks!

Gail

Positive

How do you keep a positive attitude. I have fallen into the i'll be happy in the future, i'll start living when etc etc etc. Its a horrible way to think and live, so how do you do it?

Poll

New poll up for the week. Happy voting!

Any comments on last week's poll? Are you concerned about your safety with a public one? Do you fear alienating people with a private one? Do you feel too busy to have one at all?

The Dress

Hey, ladies...

I just wanted to let ya'll know that I bought my wedding dress yesterday...:) It was quite an emotional experience with what had been going on during the week.

Anyways, there are pictures posted on my website, in case you're curious about the INSANELY good deal that I got on it. :)