Premed Perspective: Be the Rock

I was stuck while writing this blog post.

I’m not in a very positive place, and I don’t want to be a downer to readers…. But this path isn’t always ‘easy’ or ‘pretty’. While some individuals are blessed with a smoother process, others may not. We just happen to be one of those others. Not that a bumpy road is at all new or unfamiliar to us. We have always had to overcome and persevere. Add any other motivational growth buzz words into that as you’d like…. It’s us.

Our lives represent one giant motivational poster.

It’s crap.

To be perfectly honest, we just are too stubborn to give up and go to plan B.

After turning everything necessary for med school applications into the AACOMAS website, Hubs was hit with a problem with getting the military to send some of his credits in. It’s some acronym that I hadn’t heard of until this problem came up.  After a back and forth of about a week and a half, finally AACOMAS said to ‘just delete’ the military stuff and don’t worry about it since it was a non-necessary part of the application.

It would have been nice to know that before we wasted almost 2 weeks calling and emailing.

Delays.

Hurry up and wait.

We are now entering week 4 of verification of transcripts. We had everything together back at the end of July…. It’s the middle of August.

Such is life.

Persistence.

Stubbornness.

Grit.

Tenacity.

Determination.

THAT is what gets you through this process.

Don’t take no for an answer. There is a light at the end of this long, 8-16 year tunnel.

Do your thing. Motivate and push your partner.

Remain the bright and confident rock.

Get it done.

Then go have a nice, quiet, frustrated cry in a steamy hot bath.

Add some Epsom salt and essential oils to top it off.

Love Letters

Love Letters 

by: Laura Saunders

http://ljsaundersgrace101.blogspot.com

It's 10:00 PM. Shadows converge from the corners of the house and my heart. The baby is asleep, and I'm alone again. Sitting on our sofa, tired from the day, I don't even feel like reading (which, for those who know me, means something). I know that David will be home eventually, even though it is now 3 hours past the end of his shift. It must be a busy night. He'll come in and heat up the plate of dinner I made for him, sit on the couch, ask me about my day, and fall asleep. My husband works so hard for us, and I am blessed to have him and also to be able to stay home with Ethan. However, sometimes I miss him. I miss us--the us that used to hold hands and laugh as we meandered along a path, the us that turned on slow songs and danced, the us that sent each other love letters when we were apart.

Sometimes a girl needs a love letter.

Now, please don't worry for us. We are still deeply committed to each other, and, while life changes and challenges, we find more and more to admire and love. I'm just putting out there something I think every woman feels at some time or another: a feeling of being wilted or uncaptivating; loneliness. AND it's not really the guy's fault.

Ladies, God knows.

Let me tell you about my love for cardinals. Bear with me.

During college, I traveled with Ballet Ensemble to perform out of town. We stayed at various different host families' homes, and a few girls and I were lodged in someone's guest house. It was rather amazing, actually. This family lived on an old southern plantation with lush, aromatic gardens, and the house we were in used to be the overseer's house. There were lovely, burnished, antique wooden pieces of furniture and magnolia trees. We had one morning to rest while we were there.

I remember sitting out on the porch feeling drained and alone even as sunlight bathed my hair in warm radiance and a light breeze cooled my cheeks. There had been many challenges, discouragements, and sadness during this season, and I needed refreshment. So, I stole out of the house that morning to have a moment with God.

I had been reading Captivating by Eldredge, and the author spoke of how God had gifted both her husband and her with experiences that refreshed and romanced their hearts. They had asked for a small sign of love and been blown over by the abundance of God's answer.

So, feeling slightly silly (because I knew God loved me; He saved me), I asked for a sign too that He knew my heart and was there, loving me.

Looking out across the yard, I spied a bright red cardinal alighting on the ground. Soon, there was another... and another... and another... They were like a field of roses just for me--too many to count. A truly gorgeous moment.

So I love cardinals. Each time I see one I know that it is a love letter from my True Love, sent to remind me that I am never alone and always wanted.

From Captivating:

"Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart. God's version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion."

Residency Roundup: Tips for medical wives entering intern year

Happy Graduation and Moving month to all our starting residents!  
I think back 2 years ago to our frenzied month of boxes, paperwork, goodbyes, and then hellos and remember it felt like a bittersweet whirlwind.  During each transition during this long process I have felt awkward, like beginning a new phase with the understanding that I truly knew very little nothing about what was to happen. 

To help each new intern family succeed  this coming year I scoured the internet for some solve-all tips.  I found this awesome article on kevinmd.com written by Elizabeth Breuer, MD "Tips for medical students entering intern year".  http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2011/06/tips-medical-students-entering-intern-year.html  (click to read full article)

Here are Elizabeth Breuer's nine tips for interns:
1. You might have been a good medical student but you now know essentially nothing.
2. Accept the fact that you will (do) dumb things and you might hear about it.
3. Having a pager sucks.
4. It's ok to be absolutely terrified.
5. If you are completely over your head, ask for help.
6. Things that seem scary will become second nature.
7. It's ok to complain.
8. Step back and realize how totally amazing your job is.
9. Most importantly, work hard, keep your head down, take care of your patients and take responsibility for your actions.

What our husbands and/or partners do is important and a big deal.  But as their support, confidant, teammate, and cheerleader through this journey, we need our own recommendations for success which is why I sorted out our own 'doctors wives' intern tips.  

My nine tips for new intern wives:
1. Remember YOU are the constant.  
2. Learn to be flexible. Ideally, flexible and patient:)
3. Long call days or horrible month rotations will end.  
4. Find or continue ways to keep your sanity.  Hobbies, Family, Friends, Work, etc. 
5. During those really bad days where regret, hurt, and loneliness catch up with you, remember you are not alone! Other wives have survived those feelings.  Breath, you can and will do this.
6. Invent new ways to connect with your Doc.  Meet up at the hospital for a meal or Face-time your goodnight calls. 
7. You and you DrH are accomplishing something amazing.  
8. Document, remember this time of hard work and sacrifice.  
9. Most importantly, remember LOVE.  


Happy Wishes to all our new Doctor's Wives!!

Cami

Just Keep Swimming

As the past 8 years have passed, I have become more and more used to my husband’s crazy schedule.  This last 5 months of residency are becoming the hardest months that we have endured during our marriage.  We will still have another year of training after this, the here and now is hard.  I take huge security in the fact that my husband and I are able to communicate about anything, but it still doesn’t change the long months of time my husband spends away from our familial unit.  The part that is harder than those long months is that when he is here, his time is filled with a horrid schedule to make up for the time that he has been away.  Essentially, he is here and yet he is not here.  It’s driving me crazy. 

I am over the brunt of my feelings on the subject.  It’s a form of mourning, I think.  I am to acceptance, I think.  I’ve also come to the realization that the strength we have in our communication and love for one another is what will see us through.  I can see how couples find themselves in situations of unhappiness during this process. 

In the words of Dory on Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”

 

Enlightened…and Proud

I’ve been in this game of medical wife for 8 long years now.  In all this time, I would sometimes stumble upon a great story that another wife had heard about or from her husband and how it all hit home and made the long hours (both at work and away from family) worth it.  Yesterday, that moment finally happened to me.

Last week, Doc came home and mentioned this rough case about a little girl who had gotten a peanut in her lung.  She was a little over a year old.  He didn’t mention anything else, other than they were able to take care of her and that she would recover.

Last night, a friend emailed me asking if Doc was available to do her anesthesia during her due date.  She was telling me how her husband, a third year med student, was raving about Doc.  I emailed her back to answer her question, and curiosity got to me.  I asked her if her husband had recently worked with Doc, or if he had just heard that he was doing a great job? 

Today, she emailed me back to tell me that her husband is in surgery right now and that last week he was in a case when Doc was taking care of this little girl who had a peanut in her lungs.  She then said that her husband told her, “[Doc] did awesome.. like he was the one who kept her alive" during the procedure.  My modest husband left out a crucial part of this picture for me.  I’m just glad I got the info from someone else.

Hearing this makes me happy.  First, I want to say that I am love to be at home with my kids and only work part time.  I cherish all the moments I get with them, including the ability to be involved in all the important things in their lives.  Some people react when they hear that I have a husband that is a doctor and that I stay at home like I live some entitled life.  They don’t realize that we barely make more than the average teacher.  Yes, someday we will make more, but that’s not been our life in the past 8 years.  Instead it has been the accumulation of huge debt, and the absence, many times, of our husband/father.  We love our lives and would never change a single thing if we could. 

Second, it makes me realize how important my staying home is to our family.  Guys, I get to work at home to make our home life as quiet and organized as possible so that my husband can go out and save lives!!  How exciting is that?  I’m so proud to know that in supporting my husband and his dreams of a medical career, that I am also enabled to indirectly help him save lives!!  Children’s lives!!

I celebrate that and hope that all of you out there who do for your family feel that exhilaration in doing so.

Next on my list? Pick up the kid from school! ;-)

Survivor Saturdays: In Search of Support

One of the great things about this website is that we all share something in common. It isn't that we're married to doctors, but that we all know what each other are going through. Sometimes, I feel like I've survived a war zone, and meeting someone else who understands my pain and sacrifice is somehow comforting. This is a wonderful resource, but sometimes it isn't enough. So where can we turn for support when we really need a break from screaming kids, or a chance to have a good cry when nobody is around? Your family is a great resource, if you're lucky enough to still live near them. Sometimes, even that isn't enough, though.

Church families are a great place to look for support and encouragement. Many churches also form small groups, where handfuls of people live life together. Small groups are an incredible gift, if you are careful in selecting one where all of you have something in common. I'm in a small group right now, and I couldn't live without them. My group is made up of seven couples, all who have teenage children. After our group formed, two of the couples unexpectedly had babies. We have "lived life" together, counseling each other when marriage was in crisis, delivering meals when work became too demanding, babysitting when flu hit, and even running to each others' rescue at 3am. I have even allowed others in my group to talk to my son about poor choices, knowing that their wisdom would be better received than mine.

I only wish I had looked to small groups when M was going through residency. I thought I didn't have the time. I was so busy treading water that I didn't want to give up a precious hour to sit through a bible study. I didn't know small groups aren't always bible studies. The one I'm in now isn't. In fact, the group used to include the pastor - he explained that small groups are about building relationships. That's what we do. We share struggles with others who understand, and allow them to help find answers. Sometimes the answers involve an attitude adjustment, and sometimes the answers come in the form of an offer to babysit. Church family can reach beyond the abilities of your immediate family in ways you cannot know until you reach out.

Don't overlook this valuable resource for support. Ask around to see if your church has a small group you can join. If you're not active in a church right now, shop around for one. Small groups don't have to be initiated by the church, either. You can approach a few people who enjoy each others' company and propose you all start a group. Selecting people from your church will give you a better chance of getting good advice, rather than stoking your negative feelings.

Positive

How do you keep a positive attitude. I have fallen into the i'll be happy in the future, i'll start living when etc etc etc. Its a horrible way to think and live, so how do you do it?

Survivor Saturdays: I'm a Spouse... Get Me Outa Here!

Residency may not require eating bugs and wading through swampwaters, but spouses certainly step into a big pile of, well, unpleasantness. I'm married to a physician (now physician executive), and I've had my share of moments when I wanted to scream, "Get me outa here!"

When my husband and I began talking about marriage, he made sure I understood that he was committed to medicine. I knew he was asking me to commit to it, too, but I had no idea what that really meant at the time - neither of us did. I tried to prepare myself by reading about others who had gone through it, but I found that many of them didn't survive the long haul! I read that physicians have a higher than average chance of becoming addicted to prescription medicine, and I read that time is often an issue with couples. But nowhere did it say that I'd be pushed to the very edge of my capabilities.

During the first few years of marriage, I felt so trapped. I worked a demanding job, only to have every penny spent on the mortgage and student loans. I had to cook, clean, care for the children, keep the finances, keep the laundry caught up, mow the lawn, even change the furnace filter... all for a small peck on the cheek as my spouse walked in the door and headed to bed. I nearly went insane. When one of the children became ill, Mark would remind me of some patient who was much worse off. I never seemed to rate high enough to get priority.

Those days were hard and resulted in years of resentment and anger. I used to keep a journal of what I wanted to say to him, sometimes pressing so hard I nearly ripped through the paper. Before he came home, though, I would tear out the page and make sure it was destroyed and then write a few sentences of why I fell in love with him.

We made it through those awful years, but not without baggage that would resurface over and over. It wasn't until recently that I could look back and see another side. While I was sacrificing time, energy, and career, my husband was sacrificing in his own way. He was determined to use his abilities to make a future for us all. He missed out on the first steps, the social outings with friends, and he missed out on me. He has holes where memories should be. I hear the sadness in his voice whenever he talks about it.

Not too long ago, another MD's wife lamented of her bitterness associated with being married to a doctor. I asked my husband if he had any insight to share. He reflected back and explained that he didn't WANT to treat me the way he did. He simply HAD to. It was a coping mechanism to survive residency without losing his mind. "It's like being in a war zone," he confessed, "with fighting all around, not a moment to second-guess yourself, and no control over what is happening." I started to flash back to my first experience of natural childbirth. I remembered how everything began to happen at once and I had no control. I don't remember Mark being in the room with me - just a hand holding mine. I knew it was a moment when I should have bonded with him, but I just wasn't able to... not until I caught my breath.That's when I realized how long Mark had sacrificid before catching HIS breath.


So, as a you attempt to reconcile yourself to the demands of your spouse's career, first understand that you and your spouse are both sacrificing for each other in different ways. He may not be able to explain it in those terms, but the truth still remains. Be prepared to have really ugly feelings that will take time to heal, and be willing to let them go when it's time. Don't keep bringing up how much you're suffering when your spouse can't do anything about it. Instead, flash back to memories of good times you shared together and remind yourself why you got married in the first place. Know that better times are ahead and suffering through this together will ultimately bring you both closer. Mark and I discovered (totally by mistake) that constantly reminiscing together about how we met and how he proposed, gave us something to cling to and kept us bonded. Now that we've survived the tough times, we bond together by reminiscing of how we weathered the storm of medical school, residency and the early practice days. We both speak of each other with deep appreciation and know the impact it had on our relationship. A word of warning, though: Nothing happens over night and your bad days aren't over with residency.

After residency, a new war begins. Your spouse will be thrust into a world where he is expected to be perfect. He will be brainwashed into believing that only he can fix problems and that he is called to do so without regard to self or family. He will be measured by his productivity, and he will constantly compared to his peers. Know this and carefully recognize aloud that you understand what he is up against. The less you fight it and instead identify the outside forces, the more likely he is to slowly recognize who has his best interest in mind. Let him explain his reasons for working hard, having to be at the office, etc. so he can reflect out loud. Be patient, and wait. How long do you have to wait for your life to get back to normal? After the first year of practice, you should begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At that point, you should sit down with your spouse and establish what your family priorities are and how you both will live accordingly. Remember, your spouse will likely have forgotten how to be a good spouse and father. He will have to be reminded, and reassimilated into the real world.

by Kathi Browne
http://wingspouse.com/blog