Survivor Saturdays: I'm a Spouse... Get Me Outa Here!

Residency may not require eating bugs and wading through swampwaters, but spouses certainly step into a big pile of, well, unpleasantness. I'm married to a physician (now physician executive), and I've had my share of moments when I wanted to scream, "Get me outa here!"

When my husband and I began talking about marriage, he made sure I understood that he was committed to medicine. I knew he was asking me to commit to it, too, but I had no idea what that really meant at the time - neither of us did. I tried to prepare myself by reading about others who had gone through it, but I found that many of them didn't survive the long haul! I read that physicians have a higher than average chance of becoming addicted to prescription medicine, and I read that time is often an issue with couples. But nowhere did it say that I'd be pushed to the very edge of my capabilities.

During the first few years of marriage, I felt so trapped. I worked a demanding job, only to have every penny spent on the mortgage and student loans. I had to cook, clean, care for the children, keep the finances, keep the laundry caught up, mow the lawn, even change the furnace filter... all for a small peck on the cheek as my spouse walked in the door and headed to bed. I nearly went insane. When one of the children became ill, Mark would remind me of some patient who was much worse off. I never seemed to rate high enough to get priority.

Those days were hard and resulted in years of resentment and anger. I used to keep a journal of what I wanted to say to him, sometimes pressing so hard I nearly ripped through the paper. Before he came home, though, I would tear out the page and make sure it was destroyed and then write a few sentences of why I fell in love with him.

We made it through those awful years, but not without baggage that would resurface over and over. It wasn't until recently that I could look back and see another side. While I was sacrificing time, energy, and career, my husband was sacrificing in his own way. He was determined to use his abilities to make a future for us all. He missed out on the first steps, the social outings with friends, and he missed out on me. He has holes where memories should be. I hear the sadness in his voice whenever he talks about it.

Not too long ago, another MD's wife lamented of her bitterness associated with being married to a doctor. I asked my husband if he had any insight to share. He reflected back and explained that he didn't WANT to treat me the way he did. He simply HAD to. It was a coping mechanism to survive residency without losing his mind. "It's like being in a war zone," he confessed, "with fighting all around, not a moment to second-guess yourself, and no control over what is happening." I started to flash back to my first experience of natural childbirth. I remembered how everything began to happen at once and I had no control. I don't remember Mark being in the room with me - just a hand holding mine. I knew it was a moment when I should have bonded with him, but I just wasn't able to... not until I caught my breath.That's when I realized how long Mark had sacrificid before catching HIS breath.


So, as a you attempt to reconcile yourself to the demands of your spouse's career, first understand that you and your spouse are both sacrificing for each other in different ways. He may not be able to explain it in those terms, but the truth still remains. Be prepared to have really ugly feelings that will take time to heal, and be willing to let them go when it's time. Don't keep bringing up how much you're suffering when your spouse can't do anything about it. Instead, flash back to memories of good times you shared together and remind yourself why you got married in the first place. Know that better times are ahead and suffering through this together will ultimately bring you both closer. Mark and I discovered (totally by mistake) that constantly reminiscing together about how we met and how he proposed, gave us something to cling to and kept us bonded. Now that we've survived the tough times, we bond together by reminiscing of how we weathered the storm of medical school, residency and the early practice days. We both speak of each other with deep appreciation and know the impact it had on our relationship. A word of warning, though: Nothing happens over night and your bad days aren't over with residency.

After residency, a new war begins. Your spouse will be thrust into a world where he is expected to be perfect. He will be brainwashed into believing that only he can fix problems and that he is called to do so without regard to self or family. He will be measured by his productivity, and he will constantly compared to his peers. Know this and carefully recognize aloud that you understand what he is up against. The less you fight it and instead identify the outside forces, the more likely he is to slowly recognize who has his best interest in mind. Let him explain his reasons for working hard, having to be at the office, etc. so he can reflect out loud. Be patient, and wait. How long do you have to wait for your life to get back to normal? After the first year of practice, you should begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At that point, you should sit down with your spouse and establish what your family priorities are and how you both will live accordingly. Remember, your spouse will likely have forgotten how to be a good spouse and father. He will have to be reminded, and reassimilated into the real world.

by Kathi Browne
http://wingspouse.com/blog