Survivor Stories: Having a Successful Medical Marriage

After nine years of marriage (and 11 years together) my husband and I recently experienced a first.  Our close friends told us they were divorcing.  We were shocked.  They are the first of our friends to divorce, although I sadly accept that they probably won’t be the last.  While we were not only shocked at the news of the divorce, we were more surprised by the circumstances that ultimately caused the end.  This was a professional couple that worked a lot, but they seemed to have a great connection and healthy relationship during their limited time together.  It made me wonder how anyone stays married to a professional, specifically a physician. 

I started seeking advice from physician wives I know.  Their answers to my questions were so powerful that I expanded my interviewing to other seasoned wives willing to take the time to answer them.  I focused on wives who have been married to their physician husbands for over 30 years.  I felt that 30 years certainly qualified them as an expert on the subject.

Their insight was amazing.  And with their words came examples of hardship, frugality, adaptation and most importantly, independence.  Not only did it show me how possible it is to have a loving, long-term medical marriage, but was also critical in showing me how much MY attitude, effort, and commitment is needed to make this work.  Given our blog post limits, this is just a snippet of the interviews (one response per question).  The respondents are all anonymous so their names have been changed.

TRAINING What part of training was the most challenging? How did you get through it?

Linda – “Internship was definitely the hardest.  At the time my husband was an intern we had 4 children one being a newborn.  He worked probably 120 hours a week (no kidding!).  I just learned that we had to go on with life with or without him there.  We ate dinner at 6:00 and if he was there great, if not he ate when he got home.  We had to keep a schedule for the kids’ sake.”

SUPPORT SYSTEM What is and was your support system for challenging times? How did you keep your sanity?

Karen –“ I would say our biggest support system besides each other would have to be our friends that we were close with in the Emergency Residency program.   Our family on both sides was out of state and too far away to see much more than on holidays and summers.   So, our support system became our fellow residency friends who were going through the same things that we were at the same time.  We soon learned that they were our new “FAMILY” who we could count on and go to in an emergency.  About 3 weeks after my husband started his new residency, I had a miscarriage, and needed to go to the hospital.   Since we had to find someone to care for our 10 month old daughter quickly, we called our new friends, a couple we had just met in the residency program a few days before and asked if they could help us out with her while we went to the hospital.   They were our angels and came to our rescue that day in a time of crisis and need, which was such a gift for us and our daughter.  We realized that day our new friends were our  "new family” and to this day our connection to these special people is a priceless treasure.”

SACRIFICE What personal sacrifice have you made for your husband's career? Has this created problems in your marriage? How did you overcome any resentment?

Susan – “Well, me not having a career.  When my husband and I got married I kinda knew what I was getting into, although we didn’t have a lot of physicians in the family our next door neighbor was a surgeon and I noticed he was never home.  So I kinda knew it was going to be a rigorous schedule for my husband.  And we talked about that and I made the decision, we made the decision together, that I was able to stay home with the kids.  And that was definitely a gift.   It didn’t create any problems.  I accepted it, and had been in fashion merchandizing which did not have great pay, and the next level would have meant travelling and doing buying and I didn’t see that fitting into the equation.  I really wanted to have two or three children and that’s a big commitment.  Somebody’s got to be there and frankly, now that I hear the stories after they had grown up, apparently I missed a few things along the way – even though I was home full time.  So I can’t imagine what would have happened if I wasn’t around.”

FAMILY PLANNING  When did you join your husband on your journey? What is the best time to start a family? What types of things did you do to keep consistency in your family life? 

Mary - “We had our first child when he was PGY3 and second child when he was moonlighting while starting a new practice.  I have to give my husband the credit for keeping as much consistency as possible.  He insisted on "family dinners" every night - whether in or out.  I, on the other hand insisted on date nights every weekend!  Still do!  I needed something to look forward to by the end of the week.  We employed local teens to babysit when we moved 30 minutes from my parents.  We also took weekend trips alone - something I usually planned --again, something I needed to keep sane.”

MARRIAGE Did you know what you were getting into marrying a physician? How do you nurture your marriage?

Nancy – “My best friend's mother was married to a busy general surgeon.  She raised six children almost on her own.  She was a marvelous role model - a woman of grace and elegance, who sat me down six weeks before my wedding and told me how he wouldn't be around for most of the important things in our lives - and that if I couldn't handle that without making him FEEL BADLY about it, I shouldn't dare walk down that aisle. She told me he would already feel badly enough about everything he would miss, and that if I showered resentment on top of that, we wouldn't have a good marriage.  She was right, and I recount that story to every potential physician partner I've ever met.”

FAITH Did faith have an impact on your success as a married couple? 

Patricia – “We are not involved in organized religion, but we share the same values and desire to be decent people. We believe in God, that people are more than just themselves and part of something bigger, and we believe things happen for a reason that has a greater purpose. Our faith is something we have in common and one of the reasons we have remained in love. In other words, we admire each other’s values even though we know we are imperfect and make mistakes. We’ve never doubted that we are well-intended and that helps us approach challenges between us.”

FINANCIAL What's one piece of financial advice you can give to younger medical couples? 

Patricia – “ My advice is to realize that money represents different things to different people and when you’re dealing with money you aren’t really talking about dollars but people’s fears and dreams. Know what money means to your spouse… what it represents (security, self-worth, social acceptance, freedom, etc) and then work from there. Without understanding this, the potential for conflicts over finances unnecessarily increases.”

FUTURE OF MEDICINE What are the new challenges for today’s physicians? Did you or would you encourage your children to pursue medicine?

Linda – “I don’t think today’s physicians are treated the same way as they were years ago.  There are to many insurance worries for a physician NOT to order to many tests because there is always the fear of being sued.  There seem to be less physicians so their work load is greater.  Would my husband do it again…maybe.  None of our 5 children went into medicine because I think they saw how hard it was on their dad, the hours, the time away from family, they see the money is nice but not the hard work and pressure it took to get to this point.”

BENEFITS At what point did you feel like it had all came together? What is the best part of being a physician’s wife?

Karen - “For me, being a physician’s wife, has been and is an honor, with many more positives than negatives.    It is a mixed bag with many sacrifices and frustrations, but also many blessings.  One of the most sobering parts of being a physician’s wife over the years is the awareness that because my husband’s chair is empty at our family dinner table, somebody in the ER just might be getting a second chance at life because my husband is there running a CPR code, saving a heart attack patient from dying far too young, or running the trauma room on a young accident victim.  There is a certain joy in knowing that because our Daddy/husband is gone from our dinner table tonight and is working, that somebody else’s Daddy will be alive and will return to his family’s dinner table next week.”

ADVICE Knowing what you know now, would you have changed anything along the way? What lessons of life have you learned?

Mary – “Wow, a tough one.  Everyone has to live their life the way that's most comfortable for them -duh!.  For us it was being a couple, having a family, and just being the true people we are.  No faking it.  You are who you are.  Medicine is not a glamorous job, but with it comes respect and admiration from others.  Don't abuse that.  Make your marriage come first - you won't be sorry.  A lot of women I know put their children first above all else, and end up with lousy marriages.  I never felt that way.  With our kids out and on their own, you only have each other - keep up the fun, the love and the sex!”

If you would like to read more, I have all of the responses compiled into an eBook that is available for free on my website (see below).

 Amber Stueven is wife to an EM physician and mom to two little girls.  She has a website for physician spouses at www.PhysicianSpouses.com *not affiliated with LDW.

Survivor Stories: Riding it out

Submitted by Jennifer, survivor in Pediatric Ophthalmology

It happened again. We are very, very sad—but not surprised. We’d seen this one coming, though we dared to hope it wouldn’t.

Another medical marriage, with people we dearly love, has bitten the dust.

Our first response was historically typical: In what ways are we different so this won’t happen to us? We’ve had that conversation with every divorce we’ve witnessed from the sidelines. Yet every time we reach the same conclusion. It could happen to us.

Here’s a heaping tablespoon of reality: Your marriage is not safe. You are not immune. Infidelity, addiction, apathy, depression—all of these could happen to you, or to your spouse. Your faith, your family, your idyllic childhood, and your socio-economic status will not protect you. None of us is exempt. No one.

Which is why we have to work our butts off to maintain a healthy marriage. It does not come by default.

My husband and I will celebrate our eighteenth anniversary this year. We were engaged our senior year of college and married during his Christmas break of MSI, so obviously, we’ve been through a lot. We’ve had seasons of mushy-gushy love fests, and other times where we have come dangerously close to throwing it all away. There are times we have looked at each other and said, “I love you. I choose to love you. But I am not in love. I really don’t even like you very much.”

And we choose to ride it out, and figure it out, and work it out. During those times, we realize why so many marriages end. Riding it out is hard. But we know these brutal seasons won’t last—as long as we commit to not ignoring the issues that threaten to strangle us.**

Here’s what we’ve learned: marriage is an equal partnership of mutual submission. We both yield to each other for the greater good of our marriage and our family. There are times when one of us yields more than the other. During the training years, his job certainly claimed priority, but we still found ways to nurture our marriage and take care of each other. It was very, very hard, but we rode it out.

There are times still when his career takes precedence. We can’t control when some kid decides that running with scissors or playing paint ball without protective eyewear is a good idea. It happens, and I choose to yield. But he has some control over how many patients he will allow on his clinic schedule, or when he can block his call dates, or when he can work on charts at home late at night so he can take our son to basketball practice during the afternoon. He chooses to yield. These are things we figure out together.

Canyons begin with a tiny crack. Small, seemingly insignificant decisions can lead to insurmountable problems. We have to watch over our marriages with diligence. We have to talk to each other. We have to seek counsel when needed. We have to work. And we both have to yield.

No marriage looks the same. There is no blueprint, no handbook, no money-back guaranteed method. You and your husband have to figure out what works for your marriage. No matter the season, you have to work at it relentlessly. The reward of a healthy, nurturing marriage far outweighs the agony of effort.

What about you? What have you learned about “riding it out”? In what ways do you & your Dr. H nurture your marriage? What have you learned about yielding and mutual submission? Comment below and share your thoughts.

** Obviously, if there are issues of abuse in your marriage, you should not “ride it out.” GET OUT. None of the above applies to you. 

Reader Question- Prenups

A reader has asked for our advice:

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I'm currently engaged to a 3rd year General Surgery Resident and we're getting married before the end of the year. No kids right now, but we plan to start trying for a family after we're married. We've been together 5 years, so I'm familiar with the struggles of being a doctor, both financially and emotionally, and have very realistic expectations how much time and energy my soon-to-be hubby has to spare.

He recently brought up the issue of signing a pre-nup before we get hitched. He didn't bring it up as a "Sign this or we don't get married," but more like, "So, what are your thoughts on pre-nups?" to test the waters. In his program, probably half of the residents are married and only a handful of the attendings he's under are married. The rest are divorced. I realize that in this day and age, divorce is all too common and that it can be very expensive and that both parties need to be sure to protect themselves. I'm sure my betrothed is influenced my his divorced attendings and thier horror stories of ex-wives and alimony and outrageous divorce settlements.

Of course, I'm sure this issue is a moot point (after all, I certainly don't plan on getting divorced!), but I'd like to hear what other doctor's wives have done regarding this issue. In all of the wedding planning, I've not once considered a pre-nup, it's not even been on my radar. So I was a little taken aback. I agree that we all (MDs and wives) need to always be aware of our finances and protect ourselves, but I'll be honest, I was a little offended by it. Of course, I realize that I wasn't the one studying until the early AM hours for 4 years, I'm not in the OR putting in the hours and logging cases, I'm not constantly sleep deprived and running on empty. BUT I do feel that I've supported him over the last 5 years to make him the successful doctor that he is today (by contributing financially, managing the house and the dogs, making sure he doesn't stave when he's on call, encouraging him when he's down, etc) by just being a loving partner. And once we have children, I'm aware that he'll of course be involved with them, but I'll be their primary caregiver and responsible for the majority of diapers, doctor's appointments and everything else that comes with them since his schedule is so demanding. Isn't that worth something?? Or am I overreacting?

Thanks so much for your help!

Sex & Residency: The Rocky Terrain that Leads to Greener Pastures

I saw the board has been quiet, so I thought I would stir it up a bit. (Hope the admins don't oppose).

I just posted about sex and marriage on my blog (Good Sex Leads to Great Marriage). This post was prompted by my pastor's recent message: Go home and get naked. Yep, he urged all of us married couples to invest in our marriages whenever possible and all of us have been thanking him since.

As I wrote my post, I flashed back to those call days when DrM could sleep through anything (wink). When he WAS home, he usually shared the bed with a nursing baby. Those days were straining on our marriage. I remember waiting for DrM to come home so I could take my first pregnancy test. As I stuck the results in front of his face, he asked me if I had a fever. Can you relate? Any advice for wives who are feeling neglected?

Another Medical Student Spouse Posts Insight

I stumbled onto this blog post that I thought was worth sharing:

Married to a Medical School Student

Originally Posted on August 13, 2010 by Adam J. Copeland

That’s me. At one time, my partner Megan worked for Luther Seminary in St. Paul, during which time she began a support blog for the spouses of seminary students in the distance learning program she coordinated. So surely it’s only fair for me now to reflect on being a med school spouse. My advice in a sentence: be flexible, and remember it’s not really about you.

Ten things on being married to a med school student: (read article)

Survivor Saturdays: Doctors Are Doomed From the Start

A recurring theme among members of this blog is the desire to know that marriage-wise, they aren't worse off than anyone else. It goes something like this...

Is it normal to carry the brunt of home responsibilities? Yes
Is it normal not to feel appreciated during residency? Yes
is it normal to question what I've gotten myself into? Yes

Just because everyone else shares these common complaints doesn't mean it's okay. I ran across this article that I thought was worth sharing. It's a bit "scientific" but it makes some good points about the pitfalls of being a doctor and being married to a doctor. In summary, it says that the medical profession requires characteristics that are contrary to what is needed for a healthy marriage. Suicide and drug dependence are common, as are stress and self sacrifice. It takes extraordinary effort to hold things together and we (the wives) may be their best chance of survival.

Before you throw in the towel and head for the door, scan the article and see how truly simple it is to beat the odds of divorce and all the other terrible side-effects. This article gives insight into why doctors are the way they are and what is needed to build a lasting marriage. It begins at home.

Interpersonal intimacy is key to survival. Not only the quality of intimacy, but the QUANTITY. If your spouse is not investing in the relationship during this most critical time, he may be his own worst enemy. There is no better time than the present to encourage him to become more intimate for his own good.

The study also points out that people who go into medicine are used to delayed gratification. Doctors don't see as much of a need for time together right now because they are busy building a better life for the future. They have studied hard, taken on huge amounts of debt, and worked unrealistic hours with the promise that some day it will pay off. You, on the other hand, may need a sign now and again to remind you why you're putting up with all the stress. The very characteristic that makes your spouse a good doctor makes him a bad husband. Understanding that your spouse can't help putting off gratification is a first step in dealing with it.

Emotional detachment is also a necessary skill in medicine and lack of emotional response does not indicate lack of caring. A doctor can't walk into the room of a terminal patient and start crying. It would be disastrous. So when you confront your spouse about the dire state of your marriage, don't expect an emotional meltdown. It won't happen -- even if he's an emotional wreck.

Those of you who are familiar with my wingspouse blog, know that I emphasize the importance of facing all challenges and crises as a team. You are your spouse's best chance for survival, and his best chance for survival is investing in you. What a wonderful interdependence. There is a lot more good stuff in the article, so take a look and don't be shy about discussing it with your spouse.

Life Choices

I've been keeping up with the blog for a few months now and I've been wondering if there are any misfits like myself. I didn't meet my DrH until he was one month into his transitional internship. A year later I happily moved cross country with him to start residency and 5 months after that home again to start a different residency/fellowship (You better believe I got an engagement ring after that!). We married in '08 and he's got 3 more years of Fellowship left to go.

We've decided NOT to have a family partly because of his career, partly because we met a little later in life (he's 32, I'm 39) but mostly because we don't feel it would be fair to the children or to me to have an absentee father. Are there any readers here that have made that life choice? I'd love to hear from them!

Thanks so much~Shana K.

Just Keep Swimming

As the past 8 years have passed, I have become more and more used to my husband’s crazy schedule.  This last 5 months of residency are becoming the hardest months that we have endured during our marriage.  We will still have another year of training after this, the here and now is hard.  I take huge security in the fact that my husband and I are able to communicate about anything, but it still doesn’t change the long months of time my husband spends away from our familial unit.  The part that is harder than those long months is that when he is here, his time is filled with a horrid schedule to make up for the time that he has been away.  Essentially, he is here and yet he is not here.  It’s driving me crazy. 

I am over the brunt of my feelings on the subject.  It’s a form of mourning, I think.  I am to acceptance, I think.  I’ve also come to the realization that the strength we have in our communication and love for one another is what will see us through.  I can see how couples find themselves in situations of unhappiness during this process. 

In the words of Dory on Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”

 

Med School vs Work Life Balance

There have been a lot of discussions here about spouses who are too busy to contribute at home. We seem to have a lot of experience in this area! I found several discussions about this on linkedin, too. One businessman was even asking if he was "balancing" enough. Did he really think a stranger could answer that question? Well beieve it or not, there were lots of opinions. It prompted me to post Life Work Balance-When Your Spouse Doesn’t Get It on my blog about checking in once in a while.

I would really appreciate if some of you would post comments there and share your own ways of dealing with this issue. Our group here is pretty good at supporting each other, but not everyone comes here for insight.

Enlightened…and Proud

I’ve been in this game of medical wife for 8 long years now.  In all this time, I would sometimes stumble upon a great story that another wife had heard about or from her husband and how it all hit home and made the long hours (both at work and away from family) worth it.  Yesterday, that moment finally happened to me.

Last week, Doc came home and mentioned this rough case about a little girl who had gotten a peanut in her lung.  She was a little over a year old.  He didn’t mention anything else, other than they were able to take care of her and that she would recover.

Last night, a friend emailed me asking if Doc was available to do her anesthesia during her due date.  She was telling me how her husband, a third year med student, was raving about Doc.  I emailed her back to answer her question, and curiosity got to me.  I asked her if her husband had recently worked with Doc, or if he had just heard that he was doing a great job? 

Today, she emailed me back to tell me that her husband is in surgery right now and that last week he was in a case when Doc was taking care of this little girl who had a peanut in her lungs.  She then said that her husband told her, “[Doc] did awesome.. like he was the one who kept her alive" during the procedure.  My modest husband left out a crucial part of this picture for me.  I’m just glad I got the info from someone else.

Hearing this makes me happy.  First, I want to say that I am love to be at home with my kids and only work part time.  I cherish all the moments I get with them, including the ability to be involved in all the important things in their lives.  Some people react when they hear that I have a husband that is a doctor and that I stay at home like I live some entitled life.  They don’t realize that we barely make more than the average teacher.  Yes, someday we will make more, but that’s not been our life in the past 8 years.  Instead it has been the accumulation of huge debt, and the absence, many times, of our husband/father.  We love our lives and would never change a single thing if we could. 

Second, it makes me realize how important my staying home is to our family.  Guys, I get to work at home to make our home life as quiet and organized as possible so that my husband can go out and save lives!!  How exciting is that?  I’m so proud to know that in supporting my husband and his dreams of a medical career, that I am also enabled to indirectly help him save lives!!  Children’s lives!!

I celebrate that and hope that all of you out there who do for your family feel that exhilaration in doing so.

Next on my list? Pick up the kid from school! ;-)

Survivor Saturdays: When the Doctor Has No Patience

At some point during medical school and residency, a low threshold of patience is common. Your spouse may become easily frustrated and even angry. Small things will become big things, and your spouse may turn into a different person. While this is common, it can be manageable. If you address some of the causes up front, you'll have a little more energy to deal with the unavoidable ones.

Sleep deprivation is one of the main reasons your handsome prince becomes a royal pain! Lack of sleep brings on irritability, depression, weight gain, and even hypertension. While you can't control how much sleep he gets, you can help him get the most out of his shut-eye at home. When he is in bed, keep interruptions to a minimum. Remove home phones from the bedroom and consider a white noise machine. You can even create white noise by going to this simplynoise website on a strategically placed laptop. Also, assure him you won't let him oversleep, even if it means setting two or three alarms for his peace of mind.

I mentioned hypertension as it relates to sleep, but hypertension is a serious issue and it's common in high-stress occupations. Hypertension can result in constant headaches, as well as a generally crappy feeling. Look for signs of hypertension. If your spouse has frequent headaches, irregular heartbeats, changes in vision, occasional dizziness, or flushed face, encourage them to check their blood pressure. I'm not giving professional medical advice here, I'm just telling you what I know from my own experience and conversations.

I've mentioned this before, but constant pager calls, stat orders, and repeated requests for on-the-spot decisions can drive a person mad. Since your spouse can't tell senior residents or nursing staff to take a hike, the frustration is likely to be redirected at you. Oftentimes, just telling your spouse what action you need from him, rather than asking him to make a decision, will go a long way. Men are problem-solvers, so those innocent conversations when you think out loud can lead your spouse into a mental meltdown trying to fix a problem that doesn't exist. If you're just feeling chatty, tell him you want a sounding board and no response is needed. That may sound crazy, but it gives him permission to stop "rescuing."

Okay, this leaves us with the more touchy topic - inappropriate behavior. Don't allow your partner to treat you poorly, simply because he works hard. We all work hard. You probably wake up as many times to care for children as he does on a call night (revisit paragraphs 2 & 3 above). The God complex is a recognized condition physicians suffer from when they eat up the attention and become too full of themselves (yes, that's a little joke). If his behavior is unacceptable, point it out when it happens and suggest an alternative. He'll probably respond in like kind, and you can both offer to try something different. Keep other physician jerks at a distance, too, since they tend to suck others in to justify their own poor behavior.

When all else fails, consider finding a counselor to get you both back on track. Most insurance policies cover such visits and you may find that even one visit makes a difference. Counselors don't fix problems, they just facilitate discussing them in a more constructive way. If you can't convince him to consider counseling, surround yourself with other couples who have healthy marriages. Good examples go a long way and you both may pick up some better habits.

Hope this helps some of you attend to your spouses' mood and give your marriage the critical care it needs. (Hope you found my puns humerus.)

Hello Dr.'s wives and significant others!

My husband and I dated throughout his last 2 years of medical school and he is currently in his intern year. His third year was expectedly busy. His fourth year promised more time for us. Unfortunately, my now husband decided to volunteer for an ultra sound clinic and be involved in an ultra sound study. He was also active in the emergency medicine journal club as well as mentoring “younger” medical students. Because of all of these commitments, his fourth year was similar to his third. Now that he is in his intern year, once again he is constantly busy. Something I expected and am getting used to. In fact, when he is home, it is almost weird.

I have recently watched a documentary titles “Doctor’s Diaries” from the television program, NOVA. It is about a person who followed 7 Harvard Medical School medical students throughout their four years (starting in 1987) along with their residency programs. He also touched base with them in the year 2000 and again in 2008.

After watching this program, I realized that a lot of the doctors went in directions I did not expect. Two of them do not even practice and one literally has to fly around the country to get work because of his bad reputation as a doctor. In terms of marriages or relationships, all of them have had failed or are struggling in their relationships. 2 out of 7 work so much they never married, 4 out of 7 divorced their first spouse and are on their second with one on his fourth marriage, and one got married at 38 years old. When the spouses and current spouses were interviewed or talked about, they expressed the fact that their husband/wife was not around much, even as an attending. I have to admit this really worries me.

My schema of how my now husband’s life would go is changing. I thought he would have time once he is an attending. Yet, all of the attendings from this show at some point, see patients, are involved in research, teach, and do administrative work all at the same time. Thus keeping the same schedule as a resident.

My questions is how can you balance life and work when all your time is devoted to work? I just know if my husband decides to get involved in research, teaching, administration (all of which he has expressed interest), as well as seeing patients, we will not last. I cannot support a workaholic and am wondering how I can support my husband without being on the back burner 24/7. I want to avoid a potential divorce, but do not know how to do it without telling my spouse I will not support him in all the extra curricular activities he wants to participate in throughout his career. I have talked to him about this, and he has nothing really to say. He simply blamed society on expecting so much out of doctors.

Let's Play -- Family Fued

I am seeking advice on how to handle a sticky situation that has recently surfaced. Here is a brief background...My husband is PGY2 in orthopedic surgery and as all of you know the schedule is demanding and at times unpredictable. We have always been the type to go out of our way to see our family. For example, I just returned from a 2-week road trip (just me and my two boys - 3 years and 21 months). This trip included traveling by car over 2,000 miles, visiting 7 states and going out of our way to see as many friends and family as possible. I did this unselfish act to allow my children to spend time with family that they otherwise do not see, and would not see the entire 5 years of residency because no one will travel to see us. After my return, my husband and I made the difficult decision to not travel back home for the holidays (where I just returned from). Prior to this discussion, we had told our family we were coming home. He only has 5 days off, the first day being post-call. I want our holidays to be shared relaxing and allowing my husband to enjoy FINALLY have a few days off...not frantically traveling across country to get to family on both sides.

We have shared this decision with our family and now have the majority of them angry at us. I also have had several hateful e-mails from family that I did not have time to see on my most recent travels mentioned above. Again, no one accepts our offer to come visit us, no one agrees to meet at a location halfway, and no one has offered to travel our way for a random visit or holiday. We are expected to do the traveling. No one seems to understand the demands of a resident's schedule, or my schedule as a mother of two who is virtually raising two children and running a household alone. No one understands that financially it is difficult for us to travel long distances because of airline fare or gasoline for a vehicle, per diem expenses and care for our pet while we are away. I (we) have tried and tried to explain our lifestyle in residency. It has now come to a point where the lack of empathy or understanding is dividing our family, meaning our immediate family from our extended one far away. My husband works so hard and does the best he can, as do I. It isn't fair that his choice to become a physician is impacting our relationship with our family.

I would GREATLY appreciate anyone's input, advice, experiences with this kind of situation. I don't know if this is a common? I just want to take the right track on mending this situation, but at the same time make our family aware of that what is happening in our lives is what is impacting our decisions. And hopefully without any fighting, resentment or further damage to our relationship with our family. Thank you all for reading this and for your advice!
- Beth

Bye bye daddy.

So all of you moms out there that have been through this, any advice on when daddy leaves for multiple weeks at a time on away rotations. Of course we'll try to talk daily- might actually work out well for the kids' bedtime with the time change- and we're thinking of getting a video camera for the computer and downloading Skype to have some video chats. Any other great ideas or just advice on how to survive as a temporary single mom?

Survivor Saturdays: I'm a Spouse... Get Me Outa Here!

Residency may not require eating bugs and wading through swampwaters, but spouses certainly step into a big pile of, well, unpleasantness. I'm married to a physician (now physician executive), and I've had my share of moments when I wanted to scream, "Get me outa here!"

When my husband and I began talking about marriage, he made sure I understood that he was committed to medicine. I knew he was asking me to commit to it, too, but I had no idea what that really meant at the time - neither of us did. I tried to prepare myself by reading about others who had gone through it, but I found that many of them didn't survive the long haul! I read that physicians have a higher than average chance of becoming addicted to prescription medicine, and I read that time is often an issue with couples. But nowhere did it say that I'd be pushed to the very edge of my capabilities.

During the first few years of marriage, I felt so trapped. I worked a demanding job, only to have every penny spent on the mortgage and student loans. I had to cook, clean, care for the children, keep the finances, keep the laundry caught up, mow the lawn, even change the furnace filter... all for a small peck on the cheek as my spouse walked in the door and headed to bed. I nearly went insane. When one of the children became ill, Mark would remind me of some patient who was much worse off. I never seemed to rate high enough to get priority.

Those days were hard and resulted in years of resentment and anger. I used to keep a journal of what I wanted to say to him, sometimes pressing so hard I nearly ripped through the paper. Before he came home, though, I would tear out the page and make sure it was destroyed and then write a few sentences of why I fell in love with him.

We made it through those awful years, but not without baggage that would resurface over and over. It wasn't until recently that I could look back and see another side. While I was sacrificing time, energy, and career, my husband was sacrificing in his own way. He was determined to use his abilities to make a future for us all. He missed out on the first steps, the social outings with friends, and he missed out on me. He has holes where memories should be. I hear the sadness in his voice whenever he talks about it.

Not too long ago, another MD's wife lamented of her bitterness associated with being married to a doctor. I asked my husband if he had any insight to share. He reflected back and explained that he didn't WANT to treat me the way he did. He simply HAD to. It was a coping mechanism to survive residency without losing his mind. "It's like being in a war zone," he confessed, "with fighting all around, not a moment to second-guess yourself, and no control over what is happening." I started to flash back to my first experience of natural childbirth. I remembered how everything began to happen at once and I had no control. I don't remember Mark being in the room with me - just a hand holding mine. I knew it was a moment when I should have bonded with him, but I just wasn't able to... not until I caught my breath.That's when I realized how long Mark had sacrificid before catching HIS breath.


So, as a you attempt to reconcile yourself to the demands of your spouse's career, first understand that you and your spouse are both sacrificing for each other in different ways. He may not be able to explain it in those terms, but the truth still remains. Be prepared to have really ugly feelings that will take time to heal, and be willing to let them go when it's time. Don't keep bringing up how much you're suffering when your spouse can't do anything about it. Instead, flash back to memories of good times you shared together and remind yourself why you got married in the first place. Know that better times are ahead and suffering through this together will ultimately bring you both closer. Mark and I discovered (totally by mistake) that constantly reminiscing together about how we met and how he proposed, gave us something to cling to and kept us bonded. Now that we've survived the tough times, we bond together by reminiscing of how we weathered the storm of medical school, residency and the early practice days. We both speak of each other with deep appreciation and know the impact it had on our relationship. A word of warning, though: Nothing happens over night and your bad days aren't over with residency.

After residency, a new war begins. Your spouse will be thrust into a world where he is expected to be perfect. He will be brainwashed into believing that only he can fix problems and that he is called to do so without regard to self or family. He will be measured by his productivity, and he will constantly compared to his peers. Know this and carefully recognize aloud that you understand what he is up against. The less you fight it and instead identify the outside forces, the more likely he is to slowly recognize who has his best interest in mind. Let him explain his reasons for working hard, having to be at the office, etc. so he can reflect out loud. Be patient, and wait. How long do you have to wait for your life to get back to normal? After the first year of practice, you should begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At that point, you should sit down with your spouse and establish what your family priorities are and how you both will live accordingly. Remember, your spouse will likely have forgotten how to be a good spouse and father. He will have to be reminded, and reassimilated into the real world.

by Kathi Browne
http://wingspouse.com/blog