Survivor Stories: The Next Chapter in A Different Kind of Survivor Story

Last month, I wrote about my husband's background, and how that began his journey towards a career in medicine.  He and his parents, along with some of his mom's siblings and their families, were refugees from Laos in the early 1980's.  It was a risky choice, to say the least, crossing a river at night with toddlers aboard, hoping to reach Thailand safely.  They spent 18 months in a refugee camp in Thailand before American missionaries helped them settle and start anew in Massachusetts.

When I've asked V about how early he knew he wanted to go into medicine, he tells me it was in his teen years.  Although stereotypical Asians excel in school and pursue professional careers after attending college, the numbers are somewhat different within his culture.  Many teens from his country, from his generation, got into gang culture and never went too far from home--geographically or ideologically.  V embraced Western culture, and his parents always had extremely high expectations for him.  It was understood that he should do well in school and live up to his potential.   I think they always knew he was capable of great things.

V did excel in school, enough so to have his choice of universities and scholarships.  Here is where he and his family took another huge leap of faith:  V decided to attend a private university three states away from his family.  Within their social circles, made up primarily of family and friends from their homeland, V and his parents found themselves to be rather odd.  First, V was going out of state, for college.  Second, he seemed to have no intention of working in his dad's small business and/or taking on ownership of it someday.  Third, his parents did not expect him to hold a job during college; they wanted him to focus on his pre-med studies.  Fourth, they assisted him financially because they could and they wanted to.

His parents continued to believe in him and support him after college, when he wanted to work in a biology lab on campus until he was absolutely certain that medicine was what he wanted to pursue.  Around the same time, he asked a fellow alumnus, also working on campus, on a date.  Within the next two years, he knew that he wanted to apply to medical school, and he also knew he wanted to marry that young lady...me.

I was on a walk through campus, passing the building in which V took his MCAT.  I was in his living room when he opened his acceptance letter to his top choice of med school.  That was around the time he told his parents he wanted to marry me.  His family hasn't had the best experiences with their men marrying American women, so although they were thoroughly cordial to me, they were open with him about their concerns.  "She'll be a distraction...she'll get pregnant and you'll drop out of school..."  I have to applaud my husband for his defense of me and our relationship.  We got married amongst great joy and hope, and both sides of the family, a month before med school started.  That was 13 years ago.

Even as I write this, I'm realizing how many risks V and his family have taken to get to where they are now.  There is more to his story, which I can add to if there continues to be interest.

My husband's story captivates me because of the fascinating results that have come from his family's decisions to take risks.  His story encourages me because lately he has been saying that he feels like there is more to his calling, yet to be seen...

I am married to an ENT physician, and together we have two children, ages 9 and 5.  We live in Florida and enjoy playing outside together, and gathering both sides of our family in our home for good food and fun.  

The Grand Adventure

The Grand Adventure

Last year, I was completely, totally stunned when my then-OMS III husband talked about making away rotations a family affair, instead of a Daddy-leaves-for-two-months-while-Mama-holds-down-the-fort thing.

Certainly away rotations of varying kinds, especially sub-Is are not unheard of in the medical community. (For those who are unfamiliar, sub-Is are audition rotations at hospitals/with residency programs a student is interested in Matching with. They are great for giving the applicant a real taste -- for better or for worse -- of what a program is like (and vice versa), how they mesh with the residents and faculty, and can even be the source of helpful letters of recommendation.) Most of the time, though, it seems to mean splitting up the family for a period of time.

Since I was staying home with our daughter, and since my husband is a family man first and foremost, he wanted us to come with him. It took some convincing, but I agreed to go for two months, no more. I thought that was enough time to sacrifice being without my safety net at home. He set up rotations in St. Louis in July and Denver in August. We started working on travel plans and finding housing.

Then, he was offered a spot in October at his first choice (on paper) program in Wichita, coming off a wait list. We accepted without hesitation.

In the end, we were on the road three out of four months at the beginning of his 4th year. We called it our Grand Adventure. This is how we did it:

• We traveled "light," by stuffing our large sedan to the brim with a suitcase each, plus one for the baby, an umbrella stroller, a pack-n-play, and as many baby supplies, toys and books as we could slip into the empty spaces. Okay, maybe not so light.
• We shared a car. Depending on the rotation, hospital, and hours, one or two days a week, I would drop him off at the hospital and pick him up when he was done. Those days gave me a chance to explore the city, run errands, and feel a bit of freedom (and sanity). The other days, the baby and I stayed home, took walks, explored our neighborhoods, and did chores.
• We found short-term rentals on Craigslist by posting in the housing wanted section. While neither (we stayed at a friend's home in one city) was an ideal situation, both worked out. We have some great memories from them! We also trolled the rental section, and had a couple of leads come out of there. Especially in the summer, people are interested in sub-leasing while they will be away. In every situation, we had more space than we would have had in an extended-stay hotel for a lower price. 
• We were able to keep our place at home, thanks to a large tax return, but we'd have found a way to make things work without it.
• We got restaurant and entertainment recommendations from the residents where my husband was rotating. Some were real hits. Some were misses. But it was a fun way to feel more in touch with the city. We made a point of enjoying the sights of a city, going to the zoo or a museum or on a day trip on days off. We also played at local parks, walked local neighborhoods, and tried to be part of the local community, even if for a short time.
• Because we are Catholic, a highlight of our trip was trying local parishes, visiting the Cathedrals, and getting a feel for the Church community of the area. I would imagine that this would be adaptable for people of a variety of faith backgrounds.

In addition to helping my husband land at a residency program we're truly excited about, we grew so much as a family through traveling together. I also gained a ton of confidence in my adaptability. Going into the Match, I was confident that we would be okay -- thrive even -- wherever we ended up.

 

Most importantly, we were able to love and support each other in the best way we knew how -- by being together.

Bio: Ashley Armstrong is a stay-at-home mom to a 22 month old girl and a 7 week old boy. As of June 6, she will be the wife of an actual doctor. She blogs about it all at www.coffeehappens.blogspot.com .

I couldn’t have survived medical school and now residency without practicing these simple steps

Having three kids under age four and a husband in PGY2 is no small feat. Some days, life is awesome. My DrH actually gets to come home when he says he will, helps with the kids, cleans up after dinner and gives me a foot rub while we watch TV. We call these “Golden Days” and we savor them. But more often than not, life is a struggle.

I could write a book on why savoring the Golden Days will save your sanity and marriage, but I think that point is fairly universally understood. What isn’t universal is how to cope with the crappy days; because no two people’s crappy days are the same. Here is the advice I’ve learned so far (and wish I would have gotten earlier in this journey!).

Your DrH would rather be at home. Yes, he’s gone all the time. But he’d rather be at home with you than at work. That’s just the way of things. His constant absence from your life isn’t because he doesn’t like you; it’s because he likes you enough to provide for you. (I know that we all know this. But as women, we’re emotional beings and have to remind ourselves to be rational about things!)
Learn To Be Independent. I finally found happiness and sanity in this crazy life of residency when I realized that I needed to implement and adhere to a schedule, regardless of my DrH’s schedule. At first, I’d let the kids stay up until 10pm to see Daddy. But the next day we’d all be cranky and irritable. Yes, putting the kids to bed at 8pm means they may go several days without seeing their dad. But it also means that they’re respectful, kind, easy to get along with and much less prone to temper tantrums during the 12+ hours I’m with them. If my husband happened to come home early, we consider it a happy surprise and we’re all overjoyed. If not, at least I know that tomorrow won’t be Grouch City.

Recharge Your Batteries. Walk the aisles of target. Lock yourself in your bedroom and paint your toenails while chatting with a friend. Go out to dinner with your mom. Whatever gets you out of the house and away from the kids; away from the dishes in the sink and the Mount Everest sized pile of laundry for a few hours. When you return to face reality, you’ll feel recharged, refreshed and reenergized to tackle the tasks at hand.

Take breaks. Let the dishes sit for a few hours. Skip that project you’d planned on getting done today. The way to enjoy your kids is by getting on the floor and playing with them. Even the best laid plans of educational play, sensory exploration or science lessons devolve into tickle fights and indoor soccer. But it’s the tickle fights that they’ll remember anyway, so let it slide. That being said:
Pick Your Battles. With your husband and kids, especially. If the problem will go away by a change of your attitude, then let it go. There are so many real problems, so many bigger fish to fry, that the little stuff has to be ignored. Recognize also that one person’s mountain is another’s molehill. What is unacceptable behavior to you may be par for the course for someone else. Only you can decide which hills you’re willing to die on.

Have Sex. Often. And with gusto. It’s a great stress reliever and brings you closer as a couple. It’s easy to forget to be intimate when you’re both so exhausted, but it’s important to schedule one on one “Mommy and Daddy Time”.

Act As A Team. I tell my three year old “We’re all on the same team. We’re Team Westbrook and we cheer for each other.”. On occasion, I’ve had to remind my DrH that I’m on his team. We’re stronger together than we are apart, and neither of us could function as we do now without the other. He’s gone all day working so that I can raise the kids and run the house. I run the house and raise the kids so he can be at work all day to both advance his career and provide for the family. We’re equal partners on the same team, working toward the same goal.

Be Kind. Really, is there anything more simple and yet more important? Stress is so quickly accompanied by short tempers, which can lead to compounding the problem. As I tell my children: it’s important to be kind, even when you don’t feel like it. Being snotty (while satisfying at times) serves no purpose. You’d be amazed what a difference being polite will make. I’m still working on this one!

There you go, ladies. I hope this advice hits home with some of you! These are the things that I’ve had to learn in my 5 years of marriage. I couldn’t have survived medical school and now residency without practicing these simple steps! Good luck! -Jackie Westbrook

Survivor Stories: I Need Help Accepting Help

It is quiet, and I am alone.  This is rare!  My kids are asleep, my husband is out catching up with a buddy from residency, and my parents left on a short road trip this morning.  As a 37-year old woman, I am once again under my parents' roof, for the longest time since I left for college.

The circumstances are fine:  we are having a home built a few miles away, our rental wasn't available anymore, and my parents were literally down the street from the house we were renting.  They have graciously let our family of four fill up their home until our new one is complete.  My parents and I have always enjoyed a healthy and loving relationship, and they adore my husband and the kids--their only two grandchildren since I'm an only child.

All of you know this medical journey has many twists and turns that yank families this way and that.  Many of you have either considered or decided to live with parents or other family members temporarily or even permanently.  Since we have been here with my parents for about four months,  I've been learning a lot about my family.  One of the more surprising things I've become aware of has to do with me, and with something we talk about often as doctors' wives.

"We can do hard things"--this is a phrase I see a lot of in our discussions on the LDW page.  Having been married to my husband since just before he started medical school in 2001, I've taken pride in the variety of things I've done in his absence, out of necessity.  I might not have a perfectly tidy home, my kids don't always get along, and I don't always handle things with the grace and strength I'd like to, but I feel satisfied and content when I think about being the wife and mom that I am.  I suppose I get a certain amount of dignity from fulfilling my role to the best of my ability.

It probably shouldn't have surprised me, then, that having so much help at my fingertips might seem a little strange at first.  All of a sudden, our cat's litter box and food had been freshened before I even had breakfast; dirty dishes by the sink were washed, dried, and put away before I could make a second trip back from the table; my kids' sheets were being laundered before I could get to them; items I'd forgotten on the grocery list were in the fridge within hours.  My parents are pretty darn amazing, and they obviously show lots of love through acts of kindness.  It is wonderful, and I am grateful.  To be completely honest, though, it has really been hard sometimes to just say "thank you" and keep going.

Prideful me feels guilty, inadequate, even lazy, for not doing it all.  I have been doing all of these things for years, so why should I stop now?  Do my parents think I'm struggling, and that's why they do so much?  Am I not clean/diligent/organized/patient/able enough to accomplish all of these things?  Pride is pretty ugly, isn't it?  It hurts our own hearts and those around us, too.  My eyes have really been opened to my difficulty in accepting help!

I'm working on it, though.  I am practicing gratitude.  When someone does something nice, I simply say thank you.  I am remembering that as my parents do so many things to help me, I am freed up to be more available to my kids and husband.  Or, when the kids play intently with their grandparents, I am freed up to make dinner or take care of a phone call or e-mail.  It's a situation that truly has the potential to bless all of us.  It's great for our kids to see us do hard things, but I think it's just as important for them to see us accept help graciously.

I am wife of nearly 13 years to an ENT physician, who is in his fourth year out of training.  We have a son, age 9, and a daughter, age 4.5.  We are looking forward to moving into our new home and settling down for as long as we can, and we are also enjoying where we are right now!

Married to a Medical Student

During my husband's first year of medical school he had a required meeting at school. I remember being slightly annoyed that day that he was at school a little longer than usual. He brought home extra cookies from the meeting for me and the kids. Instead of being thankful for his thoughtful gesture I was irritated. Irritated that he was away from the kids and I "hanging out with friends having fun...eating cookies". Oblivious to my irritation, he mentioned that they also had soda at the meeting. Pepsi. My favorite! But there were none left over otherwise he would have brought me one. That did it! I was officially annoyed that he was out having "fun" while I was at home taking care of our kids. Did I mention I was pregnant with #3 and slightly hormonal?! That I was the one working and taking care of the children, the household and arranging childcare and trying to settle our family into a new home in a new state?! All while he was off eating cookies and drinking soda with his friends:)

Clearly medical school is not the same as fun and games with friends. But in my mind I had made that connection from this one little incident two years ago. Lets just be clear, medical school is a lot of work. Hours and hours of studying. Boring, tedious studying just trying to keep up. Always feeling like you are behind and don't measure up. It is mentally challenging and exhausting. The vast amount of knowledge a medical student needs to gain has often been compared to trying take a drink out of a fire hose. And I think that is an understatement! And yet two years later, I still struggle with this "cookies & soda" mentality at times. When my husband has been gone for impossibly long hours at the hospital working like crazy, I sometimes get resentful instead of grateful that he is willing to sacrifice so much of himself for our family and his patients - present and future. Instead of being the "soft place" for him to land at the end of a hard day, I am often bristly and short with him. Resentful at times that he gets to go out and have "fun". Thankfully I married a man with not only very tough skin, but he is understanding and forgiving as well....very forgiving as I am a slooooow learner:)

There have been a few times throughout these past two and half years that my husband has had to gently remind me that he doesn't like being away from the kids and I so much and that it isn't all "cookies and soda" while he is gone! What?! He isn't just sitting around joking, having a jolly time with his friends? Shocker, I know.

My husband has also been the one to realize that in order for our family to survive this medical training journey (trust me it is a journey!), it is important that I do things for myself. That I take the time to do things I enjoy that do not revolve around him and our kids. Sure these things have to be scheduled around him and his crazy medical school schedule, but we have made it work. That is why once month regardless of how busy he is, I have an evening of sewing with my girlfriends. Also this year I joined a once-a-week women's Bible study that has childcare included! We have made it a priority for me to get away with my girlfriends every once in a while - for example craft weekend with my mom and best friend and another time my good friend's overnight bachelorette party - even though that left him home with 3 kids when he should have been studying for his boards exam! He has also been trying to convince me to get a gym membership so I can get "me time" more often. But I just can't commit to that as it seems way out of our budget:) For now I enjoy jogging with my kids and hiding in my room with a good book (once my husband is home or after the kids are in bed). Both of which feel like "me time"!

These medical school years are long and hard for BOTH of us! And it is easy to lose sight of what WE are working towards, especially now that I am home full time with our kids and he is on rotations at the hospital for many, many, many hours. I will tell you one thing though...it ain't all cookies and soda...for either of us! I like to believe we have found a good balance. I do all I can to love and support my husband and make his life a tad easier. I plan special family activities for when he will be around and I NEVER complain to the kids about his absence or even insinuate that he should be home with us. I gladly...okay mostly gladly...make homemade dinners and make sure he has packed lunches every day. I want him to want to come home to us. And he makes sure I get the breaks I need. Breathers so I can recharge. So I can keep on keepin' on. It is a balancing act. And sometimes we breakdown. But we keep on trying. Working together. Cognizant of the fact that it is all too easy to become resentful of the other person. To falsely believe the other person has the easier role. That the other person is just sitting around eating cookies and soda while I am working like a mad person.

A little bit about me: I am non-practicing PA (worked up until the birth of my last baby) now a
stay-at-home mom to our 3 young kids! We are deep in the medical school trenches as my husband is a MSIII currently finishing up his 8 week surgery rotation. I blog (frequently!) to help keep sane and to keep life in perspective - that and it kills sometime while my husband is away. It helps:) To see this post (with pictures of the fam!) and more hop on over to my blog @ www.longdaysarchives.blogspot.com

Putting Family First

Putting Family First

by: Trisha Stibble

stibbefam.wordpress.com

The medical school-->residency-->fellowship-->job trek is a crazy ride. I never expected so many ups and downs, emotional breakdowns, and all nighters. And that's just what I have gone through. Adam has had to deal with many, many other obstacles and roller coaster rides.

At 22, I married the man of my dreams and left my hometown for the very first time. I would be lying if I said it wasn't absolutely horrible. I cried every night for at least 2 weeks-- my husband was gone nonstop, studying, making new friends, and enjoying his first step towards becoming a doctor. I was unemployed, friendless, and hating our apartment, the city, and everything else in life. Basically, I was the worst newlywed to ever exist.

Things got better. We made fantastic friends, I found a job (got fired, then found a better job :)), and at the end of 3rd year we found out I was pregnant!

Adam's entire life was planned out- he would match an orthopedic residency and we would have an adorable little baby. Fast forward a few months-- I gave birth to premature twin boys who fought a daily battle. They changed our life in more ways than one.

Adam’s dream was to be an Orthopedic Surgeon. July, August and September he did away rotations to increase his chances of getting a spot in a residency we wanted. In August, I had my first MFM appointment (when pregnant with twins, this is standard practice). Adam wasn’t able to make it because of his rotation, so my dad surprised me by driving 6 hours to go with me.

At that appointment, we got horrible news. Our twins had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). Baby B was giving all the fluid to Baby A, meaning he had little to no nutrition. They were Stage 4 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twin-to-twin_transfusion_syndrome#Stages). Stage 5 is death. Most times, the doctor recommends surgery right away-- because of their size and the TTTS presenting so early, our MFM did not think surgery was the way to go. Surgery meant putting both babies at risk, and our only goal was to save Baby A. It was not believed Baby B would survive. We did amniocentesis (withdrew fluid from Baby A) to hopefully help.

My dream of being a mom to twins was shattered. While it was so great to have my dad there, I wanted my husband, and he was 3 hours away in some operating room. Thankfully, he answered on the first ring and I told him the news. He was so wonderful, and devastated that he wasn’t at home. He called our MFM right away because he had a million questions I couldn’t answer.

Miraculously, and not without a million prayers, both babies ended up surviving. Towards the end of my pregnancy, weeks 23-26, things finally stabilized. However, Baby A had a heart condition (mitral valve regurgitation) and Baby B had mild hydrocephalus.

At my 27 week appointment, things started to change. Both babies had a significant loss of fluid-- my doctor ordered an NST bi-weekly along with bi-weekly ultrasounds. My first NST was good, but the second NST was not-- Baby B’s heart rate dropped several times. I was admitted to the hospital and everyone thought I would deliver immediately.

Thankfully, it was 4 days before I delivered and I was able to get the necessary steroids. Then, Baby B’s heart rate dropped and just wouldn’t pick back up. An emergency c-section was performed, and my miracle babies were born at 1lb 10 oz (Sam) and 2lb, 6 oz (Jack).

Neither baby required oxygen and things were looking extremely good. However, on 11.9.10, Sam had to be transferred to Children’s Hospital due to a perforation in his small intestine. At that time, it was the single worst day of our lives. A surgery on our little baby, less than 2 pounds? My dad was still with us, and I can remember bawling into his arms as Adam left and went immediately to the hospital.

We were told Sam would almost certainly be intubated. No baby his size undergoing that type of surgery had not been intubated. Well, they hadn’t met Mr. Sam! He was not intubated, and didn’t even require oxygen.

On Thanksgiving, we had much to be thankful for. Our beautiful twin boys were extremely healthy, and it was just a matter of time until they came home.

Then, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, 11.27.10 7:00am, we got “the call.” We were told that Sam’s o2 sats had been dropping to the 30’s (normal is 95-100). They were putting him on “high-flow oxygen.” We got up right away, and as soon as we saw Sam, I knew. I knew he was sick. I knew something was wrong. I knew that our little boy was slipping away from us.

Sam needed to be intubated. After drawing labs, we found out he had Group B Strep with Sepsis (GBS), late onset. Extremely rare, and usually fatal. The next few days were touch and go. And on 12.1.10 at 3:00am we got an even more horrific call- the nurses believed Sam had had a seizure. We needed to give consent for a spinal tap.

That morning we went to the hospital extra early and met with the doctors. They believed Sam had acquired meningitis as well. The battle our small son faced had just become a war.

Against all odds, our stubborn little boy LIVED.

Due to the meningitis, Sam’s slightly enlarged ventricles developed into hydrocephalus. He had a VP shunt placed on 1.25.11- their due date. We had come full circle.

Since then, Sam has had 5 additional shunt surgeries, a placement of a second shunt, and a g-tube. He only eats 45% of his calories by mouth.

When we were talking about Adam’s rank list for residency, he said something to me that I will NEVER forget: “What if I don’t rank Ortho? What if I change to Radiology?”

Shocked. I was absolutely shocked. This man’s dream was to be a surgeon. We spent a good 5-6 hours discussing this. He told me the boys had changed his life. While that is obvious for so many reasons, changing his specialty wasn’t one I had thought of.

When Sam was discharged from the NICU, we were 95% positive we would have a child with Cerebal Palsy who required special assistance most of his life. He could not justify leaving Omaha, where we had all of his specialists, and go to a random town to practice medicine that would keep him away from his kids for days.

Adam sacrificed his dream for us. We decided to rank two Omaha spots #1 and #2. This way, we were almost certainly guaranteed we would stay here for the next 5 years and Sam could receive the care he needed.

Match Day was a blur-- we were thrilled when it was announced that Adam would be at Creighton’s Radiology program. But I also know it saddened Adam a little that it was final-- he would not be doing Orthopedics.

It's funny how things turn out-- Adam is so happy doing Radiology and tells me often that he couldn't imagine doing surgery or Ortho. Things work out the way they are meant to. And Sam? The kid who wasn't expected to be "normal"? He is as normal as anyone. While he has a feeding tube, the biggest compliment I can get when people find out is them telling me, "No way! We would have had no idea!"

Residency has also had its ups and downs. My husband is gone A LOT. And right now is an incredibly trying time in our lives. The twins are 3 and they are boys. BOYS. Fighting, wrestling, throwing, you name it... Eli is 13 months and is into everything, and is beginning to get frustrated because he can’t express what he wants. He is also extremely dependent on Mommy.

We have no family here. Our friends are wonderful, but have their own busy lives. I can’t call someone to come over on a Monday evening and watch the kids so I can run to the grocery store without three little boys. Adam and I have had a handful of date nights in the last year. When our friends can’t babysit, my stomach gets upset thinking that I will have to pay someone.

But here’s the thing-- when you find someone you love, when you marry your best friend, it is all worth it.

Med School Madness

The Q and A … Part 1

A while back I read a blog post that reminded of me of how uniquely awesome we all are. Specifically, medical school wives. We are all on the same road but we are experiencing it differently. I wanted to write about those experiences so I enlisted the help of several women whose husbands are in medical school or just finished. They are all in different stages so I was really excited to ask them a few questions. I sent out the same questions to all of them and I received wonderful responses. As I got back answers I started to see a theme forming. All of them value a positive and flexible attitude. Professionally, they are a diverse group. This group of girls include a flight attendant, volunteers, nannies, a writer and editor and wives whose work is now at home.

In this post I will concentrate on a few practical realities of medical school wives. I will share their responses on finances and their lifestyle as a medical school family.

The contributors* to these posts are Tabatha and Jennifer whose husbands are now done with MSII and are preparing for STEP 1. Rachel and Amanda whose Student Dr. H completed MSIII.. Lastly, Mia and Margaret are currently celebrating the completion of MSIV, my congratulations to them and their husbands! What an exciting time.

Now, Lets get to their responses!

Q-Has your lifestyle as a medical family changed dramatically since the start of medical school or has it been more of the same?

A- Most of the girls who have been with their spouses since undergrad state that this is 'more of the same'. Those who feel differently are a bit non-traditional.

Amanda-Our lifestyle has definitely changed dramatically! We became a one income household and we moved very far away from home. I had to adjust to some culture shocks and start to accept that studying and catching up on sleep comes before anything else. She adds that most household issues are her responsibility.

Margeret- DrH is MD/PhD and we met during his last year of research, so he started MS4 about five months into our relationship. The med school months were definitely different from the research months, but it was good to get that experience! He also had tougher rotations toward the beginning of MS4, so by the time we hit the last few months, his schedule was pretty cushy and we got a lot of good time together as we prepared for our wedding!

Q- Many things during MS take an adjustment period. What are some things that took you by surprise and gave a moment or two to adjust?

A-

Jennifer- The competitive nature of med school and the hierarchy that exists between the different classes, and even the competitiveness between his classmates.

Tabatha-The biggest aspect of medical school that took me by surprise was the emotional toll it took on my husband. I knew it would be demanding mentally and very time consuming but I was completely unprepared for the emotional breakdowns my husband would have to endure. I felt helpless as I would try to support him without knowing how. You can only tell someone so many times it's all going to be okay before you yourself stop believing it. But eventually it DID get better. In fact, it got better than I would’ve ever imagined!

Rachel-Our first away rotation. It was technically a "rural rotation" his third year for family medicine, but it was a hard two weeks getting used to him being gone. It was a great trial run before what is to come: three months of back-to-back away rotations this summer.

Amanda-The amount of time required to study! I also think the studying and time constraints surprised me because we had both been out of college and in the work force for several years, so we were used to working hard, working double shifts, overtime, and holidays. It was more shocking than my spouse expected to become a professional student again! Never mind studying for Step I and Step II, I don't see him for weeks!

Mia- Tests! I wasn't prepared for the constant testing, studying for tests, “test weeks” and then boards, too.

Margaret-Learning to think of a scheduled shift as more like...guidelines. I got REALLY stressed out once because DrH was more than 90 minutes late coming home from the hospital and totally unreachable by phone/text. I actually drove from his house to the hospital to check for wrecks along the road. Of course, it turned out that he'd just been in a different room from his phone with a patient who was coding. I am a planner, so it took me a while to realize that shift times are not set in stone and to be more flexible with them.

Q-When I speak to pre-med couples, the topic most often discussed is finances. Is this subject a source of stress for your household or has it been surprisingly uneventful?

A-

Jennifer- The financial stress is always a current running underneath everything. I would say our biggest fights are sparked because of stress concerning finances. I know that we'll be able to pay back our loans, but it is hard to think about the amount of debt we are accumulating. She also notes is difficult to continually say 'no' to her kids on things they want but trust this is building good character in them.

Amanda-What a headache! My spouse has his first B.A. in Finance so we went into MS with a beautiful color coded excel spreadsheet...and to make a long story short...we no longer use said spreadsheet at all! The Spouses Organization set me up with a sponsor and she told me "don't worry about the money, the loans cover everything". And she was so right!

Mia- Our savings combined with student loans allowed us to comfortably cover all of the MSIV expenses while allowing me to stay home with our son and travel on interviews with my husband. We were careful with our money and planned for the future, which made finances (nearly) stress-free.

Most of the girls are awesome planners, most mentioned they live 'simply' and enjoy wise shopping and I was surprised at how much some of them enjoy spreadsheets and financial planning. Most also manage their household finances.

Q-Lastly, for those who transitioned from classroom to rotations in MS3, tell us what that is like?

Rachel- Rotations are a thousand times better than classroom! You will go on a new adventure every month. Your spouse will have a personality not laced with anxiety, again!

Amanda-For us the transition to clinic was AMAZING! We are now closer to home and not having the intense study schedule has led to a much happier and pleasant med student . As I sit here writing this evening everything is great.

Mia-My husband was much happier during rotations than he was in the classroom. This reflected in every aspect of life for us. He has always studied at home, so he wasn't around quite as much. But, there was much more quality home time during rotations.

I want to end this by sharing that although some things are very difficult most of the girls in this group expressed a positive view on medical school. I noticed the tone became a bit lighter when rotations in MS3 started. It's fair to point out that those who are done mentioned med school goes by fast and we should enjoy more and worry less but understand that is easier said than done. I want to thank Amanda, Tabatha, Rachel, Jennifer, Mia and Margaret for their contributions.

Don't forget this is the first part of this Q and A and next time on Med School Madness we will touch on friendships, what these girls worry in regards to their husband, a little on time management and goals. I'm excited to post that!

Thanks for reading!! :)

Judith

*While all these ladies are real, some of the names are not and they have been changed for privacy issues.

Baby Fever!!!

Hi! My husband is a soon-to-be MS1. I know it is going to be a major change of pace when he is in school, but I am here for him all the way! The one thing is... right now I am getting MAJOR baby fever. I wonder what everyone's opinions are on having a baby while your hubby is in medical school??

Surprise and Congrats!!

My name is Aly, and I have been reading/commenting on the Lives of Doctors Wives blog for the past 6 months or so and am so appreciative of you and the other ladies for creating a place where I have found people who know what I am going through!

My husband is in month 2 of PGY1 and we all know how challenging that is on its own for both of us! Well surprise, surprise, I have suddenly found myself pregnant and due in March 2011. While we are thrilled (this is our first pregnancy) this was just not in the "plans" for his intern year! We at least wanted to wait until PGY3 to began trying...so much for those plans, right??? Has anyone else been through this? Any advice for surviving my first pregnancy while also still adjusting to the chaos of intern year? And when the baby arrives, husband will still have a few months to go until he is PGY2...how do I get through that time pretty much on my own (we are in NYC and all of my family and friends are back home in California)??? Any advice and words of widsom would be so appreciated!

Thanks so much in advance for taking the time to read this!

Just Keep Swimming

As the past 8 years have passed, I have become more and more used to my husband’s crazy schedule.  This last 5 months of residency are becoming the hardest months that we have endured during our marriage.  We will still have another year of training after this, the here and now is hard.  I take huge security in the fact that my husband and I are able to communicate about anything, but it still doesn’t change the long months of time my husband spends away from our familial unit.  The part that is harder than those long months is that when he is here, his time is filled with a horrid schedule to make up for the time that he has been away.  Essentially, he is here and yet he is not here.  It’s driving me crazy. 

I am over the brunt of my feelings on the subject.  It’s a form of mourning, I think.  I am to acceptance, I think.  I’ve also come to the realization that the strength we have in our communication and love for one another is what will see us through.  I can see how couples find themselves in situations of unhappiness during this process. 

In the words of Dory on Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”

 

Enlightened…and Proud

I’ve been in this game of medical wife for 8 long years now.  In all this time, I would sometimes stumble upon a great story that another wife had heard about or from her husband and how it all hit home and made the long hours (both at work and away from family) worth it.  Yesterday, that moment finally happened to me.

Last week, Doc came home and mentioned this rough case about a little girl who had gotten a peanut in her lung.  She was a little over a year old.  He didn’t mention anything else, other than they were able to take care of her and that she would recover.

Last night, a friend emailed me asking if Doc was available to do her anesthesia during her due date.  She was telling me how her husband, a third year med student, was raving about Doc.  I emailed her back to answer her question, and curiosity got to me.  I asked her if her husband had recently worked with Doc, or if he had just heard that he was doing a great job? 

Today, she emailed me back to tell me that her husband is in surgery right now and that last week he was in a case when Doc was taking care of this little girl who had a peanut in her lungs.  She then said that her husband told her, “[Doc] did awesome.. like he was the one who kept her alive" during the procedure.  My modest husband left out a crucial part of this picture for me.  I’m just glad I got the info from someone else.

Hearing this makes me happy.  First, I want to say that I am love to be at home with my kids and only work part time.  I cherish all the moments I get with them, including the ability to be involved in all the important things in their lives.  Some people react when they hear that I have a husband that is a doctor and that I stay at home like I live some entitled life.  They don’t realize that we barely make more than the average teacher.  Yes, someday we will make more, but that’s not been our life in the past 8 years.  Instead it has been the accumulation of huge debt, and the absence, many times, of our husband/father.  We love our lives and would never change a single thing if we could. 

Second, it makes me realize how important my staying home is to our family.  Guys, I get to work at home to make our home life as quiet and organized as possible so that my husband can go out and save lives!!  How exciting is that?  I’m so proud to know that in supporting my husband and his dreams of a medical career, that I am also enabled to indirectly help him save lives!!  Children’s lives!!

I celebrate that and hope that all of you out there who do for your family feel that exhilaration in doing so.

Next on my list? Pick up the kid from school! ;-)

Let's Play -- Family Fued

I am seeking advice on how to handle a sticky situation that has recently surfaced. Here is a brief background...My husband is PGY2 in orthopedic surgery and as all of you know the schedule is demanding and at times unpredictable. We have always been the type to go out of our way to see our family. For example, I just returned from a 2-week road trip (just me and my two boys - 3 years and 21 months). This trip included traveling by car over 2,000 miles, visiting 7 states and going out of our way to see as many friends and family as possible. I did this unselfish act to allow my children to spend time with family that they otherwise do not see, and would not see the entire 5 years of residency because no one will travel to see us. After my return, my husband and I made the difficult decision to not travel back home for the holidays (where I just returned from). Prior to this discussion, we had told our family we were coming home. He only has 5 days off, the first day being post-call. I want our holidays to be shared relaxing and allowing my husband to enjoy FINALLY have a few days off...not frantically traveling across country to get to family on both sides.

We have shared this decision with our family and now have the majority of them angry at us. I also have had several hateful e-mails from family that I did not have time to see on my most recent travels mentioned above. Again, no one accepts our offer to come visit us, no one agrees to meet at a location halfway, and no one has offered to travel our way for a random visit or holiday. We are expected to do the traveling. No one seems to understand the demands of a resident's schedule, or my schedule as a mother of two who is virtually raising two children and running a household alone. No one understands that financially it is difficult for us to travel long distances because of airline fare or gasoline for a vehicle, per diem expenses and care for our pet while we are away. I (we) have tried and tried to explain our lifestyle in residency. It has now come to a point where the lack of empathy or understanding is dividing our family, meaning our immediate family from our extended one far away. My husband works so hard and does the best he can, as do I. It isn't fair that his choice to become a physician is impacting our relationship with our family.

I would GREATLY appreciate anyone's input, advice, experiences with this kind of situation. I don't know if this is a common? I just want to take the right track on mending this situation, but at the same time make our family aware of that what is happening in our lives is what is impacting our decisions. And hopefully without any fighting, resentment or further damage to our relationship with our family. Thank you all for reading this and for your advice!
- Beth