Work, Baby, Work

I didn’t start to hate DrH’s career until our daughter was born. We’d been together for six years—through all four years of medical school and one year of anesthesia residency all in the west. Now we were on the east coast for his final three years of residency. While we had always felt the inconvenient parts of him being a doctor in training, I never truly hated his job. Having a baby changed everything.

I grew up with two doctors for parents—one family practice and the other internal medicine. They practiced in my tiny hometown in Montana and took on celebrity status amongst its citizens. My dad delivered many of my friends and classmates. My mom kept their mothers and fathers sane and healthy. Everywhere I went I was told, "Oh I just love your parents. You’re so lucky." And I was. They were smart and could provide everything we needed. But I also saw how stressed they were at home and the energy they didn’t have for marital discussions, helping with homework, and decorating the Christmas tree. I knew how many hours a week I spent at daycare. In many of our home videos, my dad looks like he’s half asleep—because after delivering a baby at 4 o’clock the previous morning he probably was. I decided at a young age (as did my two sisters) to never be a doctor. I didn’t want anything to do with that life—the life of sacrifice at home to serve others. And then I met my wonderful husband.

When we started dating, he had already gotten into medical school. Right away, I shared my trepidation with him about the medical lifestyle. But he was a starry-eyed, first-in-the-family-to-become-a-doctor type and said he valued family time above all else and would never go into a specialty that didn’t respect that. And in addition to falling in love with him and knowing I would do anything to be near him, I believed him, thinking that my childhood experience was myopic—that the overworked, rural primary care physician wasn’t the only model out there.

And actually, medical school started to convince me that doctor training wasn’t that bad. Everyone told us to brace ourselves for how hard it would be. Throughout it all I just laughed to think of that, still do. Med school seemed totally doable! Being an independent woman with a lucrative job, I was happy to have my own thing going on and the space and time to meet with friends and do creative projects while he studied. We did date nights every week, went to concerts, and took little road trips on the weekends. He would study in the car. During fourth year we got engaged and traveled together for all of his away rotations, taking our adventurous wheaten terrier with us. It was a blast—a month each in six major cities, playing the tourists with our free time, planning our wedding, and visiting friends and family. I picked him up and dropped him off every day at work, exploring the city with our pup and doing at-home transcription during the days. On his days off, we sunbathed in San Diego, saw museums in Chicago, and strolled in New York’s Central Park. For the most part, we felt free and happy.

Then everybody warned us again: "The first year of residency is the worst." The dreaded intern year loomed after our wedding and honeymoon were over. Luckily, we matched for that year in the same city as medical school had been, so we were able to stay near all of the friends we had met the previous four years. I soon got pregnant and stayed busy working, planning for baby, doing home projects, and figuring out the move out east for the following year. Intern year flew by, and we were mostly still able to keep our date nights and sanity. Days off we spent at the pool or hiking and always felt rejuvenated afterwards. The best part was that DrH was truly free when he came home—no studying or applications or thank-you letters. We thought we had made it and felt like the next three years while financially hard—I was going to stay at home with our daughter in one of the most expensive cities in the US—would be emotionally and physically easier.

Wow, were we wrong! In October of this year, we welcomed our daughter into the world. Even planning for her birth was stressful beyond anything we had imagined. They wouldn’t give DrH any days off surrounding the birth, so we had to plan an induction for his vacation week (that he requested around the due date and thankfully got). Luckily I went into labor naturally one day before the scheduled induction, so he still had five days to spend with us in the hospital and settle us at home. We were lucky he had even that, and he was able to be with me through the entire process, which ended up being as wonderful an experience as labor can be. We had time to go to the first pediatrician appointment together and make sure our house was set up for our new leading lady. However, those days were over in a flash. The night before he had to go back to work, I thought he might cry (and I certainly did!). He knew once he was back in the hospital work zone, the sweet bubble of love we were creating at home around our new tiny family member would burst.

And it did in a way. As the early months of her life went by I started to get very, very bitter. It didn’t help that all of our friends and family were now thousands of miles away. But even had they been close, I wanted DrH home. He was missing so many things. I knew he had to work to support us, but did he have to work so much? Did his job have to demand everything from him? Our daughter was changing before my eyes every day, and he was only seeing it through my pictures and videos of her first smiles, motions, and baths. By the time he got home, she was often cranky and ready for bed if not already asleep. Besides, even when he was home now, I felt a huge divide of what I was experiencing and what he was. He was so tired and overworked on top of the debilitating fatigue of having a newborn that he was hardly able to participate in our family. Many times he would fall asleep while holding her. It broke my heart. I wanted my daughter to have a present and awake father, the kind I didn’t have growing up. Like my father, DrH was an amazing dad, sacrificing everything he could to make our daughter and me happy. But time and energy were two things he just couldn’t give because his job was sucking them from him.

DrH started to get bitter, too, so it made it hard for me to be supportive. When he complained about work, I was quick to agree and criticize it whereas in previous years I had reserves of energy and positivity. Before, I knew his dream of being a doctor was becoming more and more tenable, and I wanted him to succeed and to support him in it. Now I couldn’t see the positive side of it, and he really needed me to. He still loved the mechanics of what he did, but the workload was harder than anything either of us had envisioned for PGY2 mostly because his hospital had massively increased its caseload that year. He was doing his best, but he just felt he was falling behind in fatherhood. And he wasn’t even giving all he needed to at work. In every spare moment, he was supposed to be studying for his big end-of-year test, but he just wanted to play with his baby girl. He felt the constant pull of these two demands, and all his desire pulled him toward family. His priorities had changed after her birth, but he still had to provide for us. We both knew that this was what we had signed up for—that residency wasn’t easy and that he would still have limited family time. Even if we wanted to reconsider, we were in far too much debt now to do so! We often wonder how many doctors in training are in a similar boat.

Our daughter turns eight months old soon. We are thankfully sleeping more and feeling better about being new parents. We also know we are so fortunate that he has a stable job, our daughter is healthy, and we are making do. I remind myself every day that many people in the world don’t have that and that life is not easy for anyone! But I am still trying to find a new peace with his work post-baby and trying to get rid of the bitterness—mostly because it harms our situation more than helps. PGY2 is nearly over, and the months are flying by. I know that we will blink, and his last two years of residency will be over. Hopefully this will free up some family time. It is hard not to just dream of that day. But I also know that by that time our daughter will be two and a half—walking, talking, forming opinions and saying crazy things, most of which he will have missed because he was working. We say regularly that we wished the payoff were even marginally worth the sacrifice right now. He recently told me very matter-of-factly that if he had to do it all again he would have chosen engineering or even just a nine-to-five job. Maybe the payoff is coming. Maybe it will all be worth it in the end. Until then we will keep plugging away and trying every day to focus on the joy our daughter has immeasurably brought to our lives—to focus on the moments and love we’re gaining not missing. After all, life is only now.

Catherine

Premed Perspective: The Baby Debate

We’re not in med school yet and we have a 11 month old.

This means that Jake and I are awesome at compromising.

Or I won.

Squeaky wheel and all that.

Back story

Jake and I got married knowing that we wanted to be parents.

For me, it was a no brainer. I wanted children as soon as we were hitched. The only thing holding me back was the impending deployment.

I was all about being a young mother, so I could pop out more kids. I’m in no way career driven, so my dream job is staying home with my children.

Well, let me take that back.

The things that I am interested in doing as a career are impractical and not really applicable to family and adult life.

Staying home with my children seems to be awesome enough to dream about now too.

It''s more important now, and possibly a gateway to volunteering in the direction of my childhood dreams.

Jake had a little longer timeline in mind for us. He wanted to be settled and established.

This meant getting into Med school and possibly even into Residency before having children.

Did I mention that we got married in 2009?

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.

.

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Can you feel my deadpan stare?

After Jake got home from deployment in 2012, I was fairly hysterical for a shorter timeline for babies.

It did not help that my sister and all of my sisters-in-law were pregnant or had babies within a 9 month span.

Except me.

There were a few times when I flat out cried at him.

I’m not proud of that fact, because I tend to think of myself as a pretty emotionally stable person.

We did, finally, compromise.

We were blessed that Jaxon was on his way the very month we agreed to start trying for a baby.

Now we are more than over the moon in love and happy as a family of 3 starting this journey together.

Jake and I know that it will not always be easy, raising children while Jake is pursuing his dream.

There are many long years of school and hard work in Jake’s future.

Jaxon and I, along with any other future children, will be more than ready to be his completely adorable and awesome cheerleaders.

How many of you are entering this adventure with child?

How many are planning on having kids during the process of med school or residency?

Was it a big discussion with your spouse?

Survivor Stories: What We Found in the Backpack

You never know what you're going to find when you go through your child's backpack at the end of the day.  Most of the time, I find spelling lists, study guides, a planner, and some textbooks for homework.  L was in third grade when this happened, so sometimes there were some random doodles and prizes from the class treasure box, or maybe a lollipop, and always several pencils and pens.  One time, we found a paper airplane and had to discuss appropriate activities to do in class if/when he finishes seat work early.

One night, I was truly taken aback by what I found.  L had drawn and labelled the structure of the inner ear, quite accurately and intricately.  I was so curious to know when he had time to do this, and from which book he copied the information.  V and I were intrigued even more at his interest in the ear, as V's specialty as a physician is none other than ear, nose, and throat.

As L has grown, his career aspirations have of course changed, and of course, he was only seven and a half.  There have been times when he has named "doctor" as one of his dreams, but lately he has staunchly said he wants to be a scientist, and at that, one who might find a cure for cancer.  He has also spoken of being a teacher, missionary, farmer, inventor, and entrepreneur.  All along, we listen, dream along with him, and tell him to keep learning as much as he can and to keep praying for wisdom.

When I talked with him the next morning about the picture, he told me that his class was learning about sound.  When he saw that part of their studies included details about the inner ear and its workings, he was very excited to share with his classmates that his father is something of an ear expert, among other things.  I could hear the pride in his voice, and I wished that V hadn't already left for work, that he could have heard all of this the first time around.  Not surprisingly, L had finished the reading quickly for that section, so in his free time, he copied out of his science book the anatomy of the ear.

One picture certainly doesn't decide a career path, but I can think of few better tributes L could have paid to his Daddy.  Love gets us to take a closer look at what interests the object of our adoration.  Love inspires imitation.  Love opens our minds to ideas we might have otherwise dismissed.  Love gets us to speak up and boast.

V finally got to tell L how much he had enjoyed seeing the ear picture that evening when he came home from work.  I know already how proud V is of his son, but there was a unique beauty in seeing just how proud L is of his Daddy.

This happened a little over a year ago.  L entered the world at the end of V's 4th year of medical school, attended his daddy's graduation as a 4-week old baby, and moved for V's residency with us a few weeks later.  This precious boy was a baby and toddler and preschooler during V's 5-year residency.  Now, at age 9, he is still very proud of his dad, still wants to be a scientist, and loves having more Daddy time!

The Time Has Come....

I’m sure like many of you, the road to medical school has been a long one.  It’s full of planning and hoping and dreaming.  After 3 years of planning…the adventure is about to begin.

Our house is full of boxes, tape, bubble wrap and paper.  It’s a mess of things to sell, give away and pack up.  We get out house in a different state in just 5 days. I’ve never lived anywhere but within 30 minutes of where I grew up.  We’ve planned for this time for so long..and it’s finally here! 

I’m excited and nervous..but so ready.  I’m ready for my husband to finally start medical school…one step closer to his dream…our dream.  

Our kids are usually well behaved and these past couple weeks have been rough.  I know it’s all of the anxiety and uncertainty of moving and leaving all they have ever known.  That’s what is hard for me right now.  We know that this move is best for our family and our future…but kids who are 8 and 5 can’t understand that.  All they know is that we are moving.  We have a surprise at the new house for them.  We ordered a trampoline and will have it set up when they arrive.  We’re hoping that little surprise will give them something to be excited about!

We are lucky that we aren’t moving too far from home.  It’s about a 4 hour drive.  So we have the benefit of moving our things and setting up the house over a week while they kids stay with grandma and grandpa. 

It’s just hard to believe this time in our lives is finally here! 

For those already in medical school and beyond…did you find that your kids had a hard time adjusting after a move?  What was the one thing you looked forward to when moving to a new place?

Delivery question

My husband and I are expecting our first child in February, and at my last OB appointment my doctor asked if my MSIV husband would want to deliver our baby (with the OB at his side of course). We honestly had not considered that an option until she mentioned it. Now we're trying to decide whether or not my husband will deliver our little one. We're curious what your experiences have been. Have any of your doctor/med student husbands delivered your kids? Would you recommend it? Was it an amazing thing your hubby is super proud to have done or something you don't think you'll have him do again?

I've told my husband several times that if he wants to deliver our baby that's fine with me or if he just wants to hold my hand and cut the umbilical cord that's fine too.

Thanks for your feedback!

Surprise and Congrats!!

My name is Aly, and I have been reading/commenting on the Lives of Doctors Wives blog for the past 6 months or so and am so appreciative of you and the other ladies for creating a place where I have found people who know what I am going through!

My husband is in month 2 of PGY1 and we all know how challenging that is on its own for both of us! Well surprise, surprise, I have suddenly found myself pregnant and due in March 2011. While we are thrilled (this is our first pregnancy) this was just not in the "plans" for his intern year! We at least wanted to wait until PGY3 to began trying...so much for those plans, right??? Has anyone else been through this? Any advice for surviving my first pregnancy while also still adjusting to the chaos of intern year? And when the baby arrives, husband will still have a few months to go until he is PGY2...how do I get through that time pretty much on my own (we are in NYC and all of my family and friends are back home in California)??? Any advice and words of widsom would be so appreciated!

Thanks so much in advance for taking the time to read this!

Free Video with Great Mommy Tips

I have another helpful site to share with you all.

A twitter friend of mine introduced me to Rachel Campos-Duffy (@RCamposDuffy). She wrote the book Stay Home, Stay Happy: 10 Secrets to Loving At-Home Motherhood and offers some great kid tricks on one of her website videos.

Go to http://www.rachelcamposduffy.com/ and click on VIDEO and then choose AOL Webisodes. for ways to get your kids to clean up, get organized, and get back some sanity.

Enlightened…and Proud

I’ve been in this game of medical wife for 8 long years now.  In all this time, I would sometimes stumble upon a great story that another wife had heard about or from her husband and how it all hit home and made the long hours (both at work and away from family) worth it.  Yesterday, that moment finally happened to me.

Last week, Doc came home and mentioned this rough case about a little girl who had gotten a peanut in her lung.  She was a little over a year old.  He didn’t mention anything else, other than they were able to take care of her and that she would recover.

Last night, a friend emailed me asking if Doc was available to do her anesthesia during her due date.  She was telling me how her husband, a third year med student, was raving about Doc.  I emailed her back to answer her question, and curiosity got to me.  I asked her if her husband had recently worked with Doc, or if he had just heard that he was doing a great job? 

Today, she emailed me back to tell me that her husband is in surgery right now and that last week he was in a case when Doc was taking care of this little girl who had a peanut in her lungs.  She then said that her husband told her, “[Doc] did awesome.. like he was the one who kept her alive" during the procedure.  My modest husband left out a crucial part of this picture for me.  I’m just glad I got the info from someone else.

Hearing this makes me happy.  First, I want to say that I am love to be at home with my kids and only work part time.  I cherish all the moments I get with them, including the ability to be involved in all the important things in their lives.  Some people react when they hear that I have a husband that is a doctor and that I stay at home like I live some entitled life.  They don’t realize that we barely make more than the average teacher.  Yes, someday we will make more, but that’s not been our life in the past 8 years.  Instead it has been the accumulation of huge debt, and the absence, many times, of our husband/father.  We love our lives and would never change a single thing if we could. 

Second, it makes me realize how important my staying home is to our family.  Guys, I get to work at home to make our home life as quiet and organized as possible so that my husband can go out and save lives!!  How exciting is that?  I’m so proud to know that in supporting my husband and his dreams of a medical career, that I am also enabled to indirectly help him save lives!!  Children’s lives!!

I celebrate that and hope that all of you out there who do for your family feel that exhilaration in doing so.

Next on my list? Pick up the kid from school! ;-)

Stresses of Life

although i'm only in my second year as a "doctor wife" i have already learned a lot. my husband and i have been married for almost 4 1/2 years and we just had our third baby in june. i've always thought of myself as a fairly balanced individual and one who doesn't stress out too easily. that felt like it was all going to come crashing down on me at times last fall.

one day my sister posted a link to an article from our church magazine written in 1994. the title "the stresses of life" first caught my eye and i didn't realize until i went back to read it that it was an article my mom had written. my mom is a social worker and very good at what she does (of course, i'm completely biased!). you can read it here (http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=e45f425e0848b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD) if you're interested. yes, i am lds (or mormon), but whether you are or not, i think there are definitely some good things to glean from this.

another good read is "spin sisters" by myrna blyth (if you look up the complete title you'll also know my political persuasion : ) and that's okay by me!). i recommend the book to everyone, but blyth has a chapter on stress toward the beginning that i think is really worth reading. it changed my way of thinking. it really helped me to see that we create so much of our own stress - and there is no need to. not only do we not need to, we shouldn't!

another thing i'd like to share is something i talked to my mom about last fall. i knew we were where we needed to be (still do and still are!) but i was often having a hard time with things (i had two boys 2 and under with a baby girl on the way). things often came down to me saying/thinking, "i know we need to be here for spencer. he needs to be in school at osu. we are where we need to be." my mom pointed out that if it's the right thing for us as a family and for spencer as an individual, it's the right thing for me as an individual - not just as a support for spencer, but for me to grow into the kind of person that i need to be and that God wants me to become. if we're here for spencer it means we're here just as much for me. at that point i started praying differently. it was no longer asking for help to be happy with my situation but to help me know what my purpose here is and to be happy with that.

something that i will continue to learn is to have zero expectation when it comes to spencer - not because he's a horrible husband and doesn't help, but because his schedule is such that he can't help in all the areas he'd like to. i've also lowered my expectations on what i want done around the house. i have three kids and they are my priority. i've also stopped feeling bad for not doing certain tasks around the house because if spencer really wanted them done, he could find the time to do it himself. i'm just grateful that he doesn't care so much about those things either and that he would rather spend his time with me and the kids when he has the chance.

faith

Surivivor Saturdays - Raising Mini MDs

As of last week’s conversation in the soccer-dance class minivan taxi cab, all three of my children want to be doctors when they grow up. My ten year old daughter wants to be an M.D., Ph.D. in genetic degenerative disease (she hasn’t decided which one yet, but she’s considering Alzheimer’s). My eight year old son wants to be an internist (or a zoo keeper or a Jedi, depending on the week). And my four year old son wants to be a doctor who helps tummy aches. (He’s now learning how to pronounce gas-tro-in-ter-ol-i-gist.)

Just for the record, this is not my fault. I say nothing at this point, but you can be sure that between now and high school graduation, these brainy, ambitious tykes are going to receive numerous (gentle) reminders of what exactly is involved in this noble profession .

If you have kids or plan on having kids with your doctor husband, half of their genetic makeup comes/will come from him. And if he’s gotten this far, chances are he is pretty smart. That’s not an elitist statement – it’s just fact. Doctors have to possess an above-average intelligence in order to survive and advance their careers. So, logically, if your husband is smart and your children share his genes, then the odds are pretty good that you will have smart kids. Not always, but many times, yes. Again, this is not an elitist statement, but just one of probability.

And, since the other half of their genetic makeup comes from mama, they will not only be geniuses (because once you add mama’s brilliance to the genetic mix, these kids will be downright prodigies!), but astonishingly gorgeous and talented and creative as well. Beautiful, smart kids. Likely perfectly behaved, too. Oh, the doctor’s wife has it so easy, doesn’t she?

Ahem.

The topic of giftedness in kids is one that I’m passionate about because all three of my kids are crazy-smart, and while that’s great and something to celebrate, it comes with a whole host of issues. As a doctor’s wife, I am often left to deal with these issues alone. But just as my husband and I have never known anything other than a medical marriage, we have also never had “normal” children, so as in marriage, this is just what we do. I figured there are many of you with smart husbands and crazy-smart kids, too, and you can relate or will someday relate and could benefit from my experience so far.

First, as I have said many times when I feel like I have to defend my kids’ giftedness, there are Really Smart Kids, and there are Gifted Kids – and the parents of the Really Smart Kids have the better end of the deal. True giftedness not only involves intelligence, but thinking so far outside of the box that the box is not even recognizable. Gifted kids think differently, learn differently, relate to people differently. They are often misunderstood by teachers and peers, and they often struggle with “fitting in.” Additionally, their bodies do not keep up with their minds - a lovely little term called “asynchronous development”: the gifted child may have the intelligence of one many years older, but his body, his maturity and his emotions are still at his biological age – or younger.

In a nutshell, the gifted child does everything earlier than his peers (crawling, walking, talking, reading), uses advanced vocabulary fluently, thinks about and notices things that other kids don’t, have an acute sense of justice, may be ultra-sensitive, perfectionist, underachieving, and have a higher risk of depression and/or suicide. A gifted child could have all of these characteristics, some of these characteristics – or none of them. Think of it this way: if you put IQ scores on a Bell curve, the gifted child would be as far to the right as the mentally disabled child is to the left. They are, in their own unique way, "special needs" kids - which creates a big problem when the educational system teaches to the middle or to the lowest common denominator.

(This list of characteristics is by no means comprehensive, and there’s no way I could do it justice in a short space. Two great websites on giftedness can give you much more information: Hoagie’s Gifted and Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted.)

Whether you have a Gifted Kid or a Really Smart Kid, the most important thing you can do is advocate, and this is a delicate art – and as a doctor’s wife, it is a job you will often undertake alone. Getting to know and help your child’s teachers is key in raising a gifted/smart child. If at all possible, volunteer for your child’s teacher – hang bulletin boards, make copies, cut out 22 construction paper candy canes – whatever she needs. In this way, you are not only freeing time for your child’s teacher to have more time to spend with her students (especially your student), but you will have more opportunities to get to know her, get to know what your child is doing, and make sure that your child is getting what he or she needs in the classroom.

My mom was a teacher and an administrator for gifted education for years, so her advice to me has been invaluable as I have navigated these waters. She noted that teachers often will give more attention to a child whose parent she knows, especially one who has volunteered for her.

In advocating for your child, it is extremely important that you partner with your child’s teacher instead of demanding preferential treatment. My mom has guided me countless times in this area as I’ve prepared for parent/teacher conferences. I never, ever use the word “bored” when describing my child (that will put a teacher on the defensive and make her feel like she is doing a poor job), and I always tell the teacher “I don’t want to create any extra work for you, so please tell me how I can help you with my child.” I work with the teacher (and GT specialist and librarian) to create projects or assignments that will stretch my child to his or her potential. I go out of my way to thank the teacher multiple times for all she is doing to help and challenge my child. (Thankfully, every time I’ve said this, my child’s teachers have replied, “I’m just doing my job,” but from what I understand, many teachers do not share this gracious attitude.)

As in a medical marriage, you will need peer support. Many schools/school districts have parent support/education groups, and there are countless websites and organizations who can advise and encourage you as you struggle to raise and motivate your gifted child.

If you are in the preschooler stage (as I was during my husband’s training), take your kids to the library, to museums, to any free or low-cost cultural or educational experience you can. Sit down with them and read, read, read, read, read, read. Then read some more. And don't forget to read! Get to know them and their interests, and feed their knowledge in whatever piques their interest. When my daughter was five (and reading at a 2nd grade level), she was obsessed with China – because she noticed everything that was “made in China” – so we read lots of books about China, found videos on China, and - much to my husband's chagrin - cheered for the Chinese athletes during the Summer Olympics. Gifted kids have a tendency to hone in on one subject and want to know everything about it – so by all means, feed it.

Entire books have been written on the subject of giftedness, so I don’t feel like I can speak comprehensively within a single blog post. If you find yourself in this boat with me and need more encouragement or advice, please feel free to email me: jenniferhunt73 (at) verizon (dot) net. If you are an educator, I would especially love to hear your insight and comments below!

In the meantime, we now have yet another reason to be embittered and disillusioned. Just kidding.

Jennifer
Survivor in Pediatric Ophthalmology
Writer of From the Corner of My Couch
Mom of three future MDs ...or not.

Safety First!

So this past week, my hubby has pretty much been on call every other night meaning that my week was shot and that I spent many nights alone in bed. Many of us are at the point in our lives where our husbands are gone sometimes more than they are home it seems, and if you aren't there, you will be soon!

One of these nights, I had just gotten both boys in bed and headed back into the living room to finish tidying up and close down the computer when I heard a loud noise rustling out my front window. Both my dog Brinkley and I stopped and listened very intently on what was going on. It sounded like someone was messing with the car, was walking up the steps and then was on our front patio messing with something!!!

I quickly looked at the front door to make sure it was locked and looked around for something I could use to defend myself. How much damage do you think a Disney Mack Truck toy could do to a burglar? Well, I didn't want to find out, so I flipped on the porch light thinking that it might scare whatever it was away........well, much to my surprise, it was a HUGE skunk right in my front garden.....thank the Lord!

So that night, as I laid in bed, (a little rattled of course) I started thinking about what I would do if someone tried to break in my home. I thought well, Morgan is in this bedroom with me (we are still living in the nursery due to our master upstairs still being under construction), Grant is next door, and to exit to the nearest door you have to pass through the main hall and would be seen by the burglar....hmmmm. Then I remembered that since we had a very old, house none of our doors shut or lock, great(don't worry we are slowly remodeling everything). Then I remembered we finally had gotten the bathroom door to lock, SUCCESS! But then I remembered it has a tiny window that I couldn't get out of and neither Tom or I could get it open last week when it was nice outside. Great, now I'm locked in the bathroom with no way out!

I thought and thought about an escape route or even if I got out what I would do next. If I hid with the boys somewhere and called the police how long could I keep 2 rambunctious boys quiet after being yanked from their beds in the middle of the night. If I called Tom, there's no guarantee I would even be able to get a hold of him, as most the times I call he is busy with a delivery......well I finally fell asleep with these thoughts swirling through my head, thoughts that never had crossed my path while living in our town house in Tulsa surrounded by students I knew, or when living at my parent's house for the last 8 months (no one is going to mess with a 6'4" giant with numerous guns in his house, thanks Dad).

The next morning I chatted about it to Tom and then I thought of all you ladies and women all over the world who are home alone in the evening while their hubbies are off at work. What do they do, what would YOU do? Do you have a plan in place? Do you have protection? I would love to hear some ideas, what you have in place, or a great resource that comes to mind! Thanks for sharing!

Last Poll

So I thought we might want to discuss our last poll a little. Not to be nosy, but who wanted 8+ children??? Even 5-7 would scare me, so I'm just curious.

Our goal has always been 4, but we have discussed that if baby #3 ends up being another boy, that we would probably just adopt a little girl. I'm already the only girl in our household, with a hubby, 2 little boys, a male cat and male dog.....I'm wayyyyy out numbered!!

If you want to, feel free to share your story!!

dealing with dinnertime

My DH's intern year has begun in earnest. No more coming home at 5:30 or 6; he's beginning to work those long hours that are familiar to so many of you. I love to cook, and throughout our three-year marriage we've almost always eaten dinner together. Now, though, I can't predict when he'll be home to eat. Tonight I made a fantastic meal--seared scallops with corn coulis and a lovely summer salad of tomatoes and peaches--then sat and ate it all alone.

It's clear that I'm going to have to make some adjustments. Recipes that end in "Serve immediately" have just been pushed to the back of the box! What are some of your coping strategies for mealtimes during uncertain schedules? Have you made friends with the freezer? Do you have any standby recipes that taste (almost) as good after 2 hours?

Having kids...

In previous posts, we've talked about the timing of our marriages relative to med school. Now I'm curious about your experiences with having/raising kids while your husband was in med school/residency.



*When did you have your kids or when do you hope to have them?
*Did you have a support network of family and friends nearby or were you in a city far from your families?
*Any great stories? advice?

Teens - Children Trapped in Big Bodies

This past Survivor Saturdays post was about how our children suffer quietly through residency. Someone commented that it would be nice for me to share more specifics about what I learned as I raised my children. Since I was already working on an article for my own website, I thought I would include a jump to it in case any of you are interested.

My children are all teenagers, but my recent trials taught me that had I done things differently, I may have avoided some of the trouble that came to be.

original URL Teens Are Children Trapped in Big Bodies

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Survivor Saturdays: Children Suffer Too

Recent Survivor Saturday posts have addressed how residency impacts you (the spouse), but I thought it important to mention that children are also impacted.

You may not notice the effect residency has right away, but from my experience children never come out untouched. They are often removed from their friends due to relocation, teased for being the rich kid, and given way too much at an early age. They are also often overlooked as mom tries to do everything, be everywhere, and forget nothing. Children compare themselves to other children and will certainly recognize that their daddy is not around like some other daddies are.

Be sure to talk to your child regularly about daddy's job. A child needs to know that when daddy is gone, daddy is missing the family. Sometimes, creating a "superman" image serves as a way for the child to understand why daddy would choose to be gone from the home and family. Make sure they understand that moving is not a choice, but a necessity, and only in preparation for good things that will benefit them later. This message is important to repeat often.

As children grow older, they may begin to voice their displeasure in the fact that dad is gone. Let them vent, and have monthly family meetings to discuss everyone's priorities. Communication can go a long way in helping your child to understand why dad is always busy. If possible, talk about family priorities and goals and do regular touch-base family meetings to see if everyone is still on the same page. If dad says he's working hard now because he's earning money for a fun family vacation, then that vacation better take place no matter what! If everyone agrees that Friday night pizza is good bonding time, then your daughter shouldn't be allowed to miss it for a new boyfriend. If the family decides to move so dad can have more time at home, he better be there more.

Family meetings may seem like a silly way to keep a family healthy, but it works. These discussions show your child that the family unit is important and that you and your spouse are willing to listen and change when called for. I wish I could tell you that this advice would eliminate all future parenting difficulties, but I'd be lying. Maybe someday I'll have some good advice on what to do when the children begin to rebel. For now, I'm googling the topic in hopes of finding some good advice.