Med School Madness

The Q and A … Part 1

A while back I read a blog post that reminded of me of how uniquely awesome we all are. Specifically, medical school wives. We are all on the same road but we are experiencing it differently. I wanted to write about those experiences so I enlisted the help of several women whose husbands are in medical school or just finished. They are all in different stages so I was really excited to ask them a few questions. I sent out the same questions to all of them and I received wonderful responses. As I got back answers I started to see a theme forming. All of them value a positive and flexible attitude. Professionally, they are a diverse group. This group of girls include a flight attendant, volunteers, nannies, a writer and editor and wives whose work is now at home.

In this post I will concentrate on a few practical realities of medical school wives. I will share their responses on finances and their lifestyle as a medical school family.

The contributors* to these posts are Tabatha and Jennifer whose husbands are now done with MSII and are preparing for STEP 1. Rachel and Amanda whose Student Dr. H completed MSIII.. Lastly, Mia and Margaret are currently celebrating the completion of MSIV, my congratulations to them and their husbands! What an exciting time.

Now, Lets get to their responses!

Q-Has your lifestyle as a medical family changed dramatically since the start of medical school or has it been more of the same?

A- Most of the girls who have been with their spouses since undergrad state that this is 'more of the same'. Those who feel differently are a bit non-traditional.

Amanda-Our lifestyle has definitely changed dramatically! We became a one income household and we moved very far away from home. I had to adjust to some culture shocks and start to accept that studying and catching up on sleep comes before anything else. She adds that most household issues are her responsibility.

Margeret- DrH is MD/PhD and we met during his last year of research, so he started MS4 about five months into our relationship. The med school months were definitely different from the research months, but it was good to get that experience! He also had tougher rotations toward the beginning of MS4, so by the time we hit the last few months, his schedule was pretty cushy and we got a lot of good time together as we prepared for our wedding!

Q- Many things during MS take an adjustment period. What are some things that took you by surprise and gave a moment or two to adjust?

A-

Jennifer- The competitive nature of med school and the hierarchy that exists between the different classes, and even the competitiveness between his classmates.

Tabatha-The biggest aspect of medical school that took me by surprise was the emotional toll it took on my husband. I knew it would be demanding mentally and very time consuming but I was completely unprepared for the emotional breakdowns my husband would have to endure. I felt helpless as I would try to support him without knowing how. You can only tell someone so many times it's all going to be okay before you yourself stop believing it. But eventually it DID get better. In fact, it got better than I would’ve ever imagined!

Rachel-Our first away rotation. It was technically a "rural rotation" his third year for family medicine, but it was a hard two weeks getting used to him being gone. It was a great trial run before what is to come: three months of back-to-back away rotations this summer.

Amanda-The amount of time required to study! I also think the studying and time constraints surprised me because we had both been out of college and in the work force for several years, so we were used to working hard, working double shifts, overtime, and holidays. It was more shocking than my spouse expected to become a professional student again! Never mind studying for Step I and Step II, I don't see him for weeks!

Mia- Tests! I wasn't prepared for the constant testing, studying for tests, “test weeks” and then boards, too.

Margaret-Learning to think of a scheduled shift as more like...guidelines. I got REALLY stressed out once because DrH was more than 90 minutes late coming home from the hospital and totally unreachable by phone/text. I actually drove from his house to the hospital to check for wrecks along the road. Of course, it turned out that he'd just been in a different room from his phone with a patient who was coding. I am a planner, so it took me a while to realize that shift times are not set in stone and to be more flexible with them.

Q-When I speak to pre-med couples, the topic most often discussed is finances. Is this subject a source of stress for your household or has it been surprisingly uneventful?

A-

Jennifer- The financial stress is always a current running underneath everything. I would say our biggest fights are sparked because of stress concerning finances. I know that we'll be able to pay back our loans, but it is hard to think about the amount of debt we are accumulating. She also notes is difficult to continually say 'no' to her kids on things they want but trust this is building good character in them.

Amanda-What a headache! My spouse has his first B.A. in Finance so we went into MS with a beautiful color coded excel spreadsheet...and to make a long story short...we no longer use said spreadsheet at all! The Spouses Organization set me up with a sponsor and she told me "don't worry about the money, the loans cover everything". And she was so right!

Mia- Our savings combined with student loans allowed us to comfortably cover all of the MSIV expenses while allowing me to stay home with our son and travel on interviews with my husband. We were careful with our money and planned for the future, which made finances (nearly) stress-free.

Most of the girls are awesome planners, most mentioned they live 'simply' and enjoy wise shopping and I was surprised at how much some of them enjoy spreadsheets and financial planning. Most also manage their household finances.

Q-Lastly, for those who transitioned from classroom to rotations in MS3, tell us what that is like?

Rachel- Rotations are a thousand times better than classroom! You will go on a new adventure every month. Your spouse will have a personality not laced with anxiety, again!

Amanda-For us the transition to clinic was AMAZING! We are now closer to home and not having the intense study schedule has led to a much happier and pleasant med student . As I sit here writing this evening everything is great.

Mia-My husband was much happier during rotations than he was in the classroom. This reflected in every aspect of life for us. He has always studied at home, so he wasn't around quite as much. But, there was much more quality home time during rotations.

I want to end this by sharing that although some things are very difficult most of the girls in this group expressed a positive view on medical school. I noticed the tone became a bit lighter when rotations in MS3 started. It's fair to point out that those who are done mentioned med school goes by fast and we should enjoy more and worry less but understand that is easier said than done. I want to thank Amanda, Tabatha, Rachel, Jennifer, Mia and Margaret for their contributions.

Don't forget this is the first part of this Q and A and next time on Med School Madness we will touch on friendships, what these girls worry in regards to their husband, a little on time management and goals. I'm excited to post that!

Thanks for reading!! :)

Judith

*While all these ladies are real, some of the names are not and they have been changed for privacy issues.

Reader Question about General Surgery Residency

Here is a question from reader Allison:
*************

My husband is a MS1 and is thinking about all of his different options in terms of specialties. I was wondering what the General Surgery residency is like? What are most days like? How much time off each week (one day, no days, etc)? Is it crazy hard to do with a family? What makes it easier/harder than other specialties? We have a two year old and she obviously plays into his decision, and I thought this would be the best place to find out! Thank you so much!Allison

Delivery question

My husband and I are expecting our first child in February, and at my last OB appointment my doctor asked if my MSIV husband would want to deliver our baby (with the OB at his side of course). We honestly had not considered that an option until she mentioned it. Now we're trying to decide whether or not my husband will deliver our little one. We're curious what your experiences have been. Have any of your doctor/med student husbands delivered your kids? Would you recommend it? Was it an amazing thing your hubby is super proud to have done or something you don't think you'll have him do again?

I've told my husband several times that if he wants to deliver our baby that's fine with me or if he just wants to hold my hand and cut the umbilical cord that's fine too.

Thanks for your feedback!

Insurance

Has anyone purchased disability insurance outside of what the residency provides?

Sick days

Emailed question to discuss.

"My husband and I had a discussion today about sick days. Most normal companies and jobs give you time off when you are sick. Why doesn't residency? He says that other residents and the attendings look down on you if you take sick days unless you are actively vomiting at the hospital. I say it is ridiculous to expect sick residents to be around people who are already sick or contaminating people who aren't. Is this normal in residency? Thanks for the input!"

So, everyone, what is it like where your DrH works?

Attitude Adjustment!

Camilla, whose husband is a PGY3 in General Surgery, had this great discussion question for us.

My husband and I have been talking a lot lately about whether or not training is what makes surgeons so mean/crazy/egocentric or if they already have personalities like that which are unmasked in the training process. . . .Just want to know what everyone else thinks and whether or not they've seen changes in their hubby's as they've been 'beaten down.' My husband is an atypical personlity in his field-he's positive and generally cheerful, but I've found him rolling his eyes a little more often at difficult patients and/or families.

Superstitious?

My husband has got to be one of the most logical people I have ever met but I think residency has made him very superstitious. For example, if he is on call, I am not allowed to ask him if it is a slow day. He also has lucky articles of clothing that he wears for difficult cases.
I just find this kind of funny because there is no scientific merit to these actions or beliefs, yet my super smart husband feels so strongly about them. I wonder if this is just a doctor thing.
Is your husband superstitious?

Life Choices

I've been keeping up with the blog for a few months now and I've been wondering if there are any misfits like myself. I didn't meet my DrH until he was one month into his transitional internship. A year later I happily moved cross country with him to start residency and 5 months after that home again to start a different residency/fellowship (You better believe I got an engagement ring after that!). We married in '08 and he's got 3 more years of Fellowship left to go.

We've decided NOT to have a family partly because of his career, partly because we met a little later in life (he's 32, I'm 39) but mostly because we don't feel it would be fair to the children or to me to have an absentee father. Are there any readers here that have made that life choice? I'd love to hear from them!

Thanks so much~Shana K.

Introducing - Portia!!

I am married to a wonderful, although largely absent, PGY4 orthopaedic surgeon. Since giving birth to our daughter last June I have postponed a full-time career to be with her. I love being with her, but lately I'm beginning to feel stir-crazy too. It's been tough, and I have recently begun seeking support and friendship to help mitigate frustration and loneliness. Anyway, I say all of this because I want you to know that finding the blog..just reading the postings...made me feel so much better.



Portia- Welcome!!! Have any great advice ladies????

Kindling

What do you ladies do with your DH's medical magazines? I count about 9 different journals and magazines that come to our house automatically, and they end up untouched, stacked up on the floor in our den. Right now the stacks are knee-high and I end up just vacuuming around them. I know he intends to get around to them, but as a resident he barely has time for his regular reading and research projects, much less for all this extra reading. Would he miss them if I just threw all but the most recent issues in the recycling bin?? Should I save them for packing paper when we have to move for fellowship? Any organizing tips or advice would be great! Thanks!

~Ashley A.

2010

Happy New Year to all of you!
Let's see what is going on with us in 2010! Anyone celebrating any accomplishments? Are any congratulations, or any huge sighs of relief in order??

Stay safe!! See you in 2010!!

So, I have been following the Lives of Doctor Wives blog for a while now! My husband is currently an engineer and will be applying to med school next year. The blog has really been a comfort to me (especially Survivor Saturdays!), as I am very nervous about leaving our comfortable lifestyle, uprooting from our family (more than likely) and just the logistics of the whole thing in general. I feel better because of the Doctor Wives blog. Who said people couldn't bless others through blogs?!

My question is this, how does health insurance work out during med school and residency? Is there a way to get insurance for our family through the medical school? Do doctors get insurance through their residency program once they are out of school? I am a teacher but don't plan on working (maybe just part-time if that) when we have children and plan to stay at home probably most of medical school and residency, so continuous coverage is not an option from my end.

Thanks, Katie

Safety First!

So this past week, my hubby has pretty much been on call every other night meaning that my week was shot and that I spent many nights alone in bed. Many of us are at the point in our lives where our husbands are gone sometimes more than they are home it seems, and if you aren't there, you will be soon!

One of these nights, I had just gotten both boys in bed and headed back into the living room to finish tidying up and close down the computer when I heard a loud noise rustling out my front window. Both my dog Brinkley and I stopped and listened very intently on what was going on. It sounded like someone was messing with the car, was walking up the steps and then was on our front patio messing with something!!!

I quickly looked at the front door to make sure it was locked and looked around for something I could use to defend myself. How much damage do you think a Disney Mack Truck toy could do to a burglar? Well, I didn't want to find out, so I flipped on the porch light thinking that it might scare whatever it was away........well, much to my surprise, it was a HUGE skunk right in my front garden.....thank the Lord!

So that night, as I laid in bed, (a little rattled of course) I started thinking about what I would do if someone tried to break in my home. I thought well, Morgan is in this bedroom with me (we are still living in the nursery due to our master upstairs still being under construction), Grant is next door, and to exit to the nearest door you have to pass through the main hall and would be seen by the burglar....hmmmm. Then I remembered that since we had a very old, house none of our doors shut or lock, great(don't worry we are slowly remodeling everything). Then I remembered we finally had gotten the bathroom door to lock, SUCCESS! But then I remembered it has a tiny window that I couldn't get out of and neither Tom or I could get it open last week when it was nice outside. Great, now I'm locked in the bathroom with no way out!

I thought and thought about an escape route or even if I got out what I would do next. If I hid with the boys somewhere and called the police how long could I keep 2 rambunctious boys quiet after being yanked from their beds in the middle of the night. If I called Tom, there's no guarantee I would even be able to get a hold of him, as most the times I call he is busy with a delivery......well I finally fell asleep with these thoughts swirling through my head, thoughts that never had crossed my path while living in our town house in Tulsa surrounded by students I knew, or when living at my parent's house for the last 8 months (no one is going to mess with a 6'4" giant with numerous guns in his house, thanks Dad).

The next morning I chatted about it to Tom and then I thought of all you ladies and women all over the world who are home alone in the evening while their hubbies are off at work. What do they do, what would YOU do? Do you have a plan in place? Do you have protection? I would love to hear some ideas, what you have in place, or a great resource that comes to mind! Thanks for sharing!

Pain Management Fellowship

We have endured the non-match Pain Management fellowship application/interview process and have accepted a position in Lubbock, TX.  We have done med school and residency here, so I guess we will be here for another 2 years.  The obvious plus side is I don’t have to move or sell my house just yet.  The down side?  The dust and not getting to see another state.

Has anyone else done all their medical studies and training in the same city? Just curious how common this is?

Keepin' On Top of the Process

Can anyone offer any advice as to HOW TO SURVIVE the last year of med school?! My husband is away right now (and will be for the next three months) doing an audition rotation. While I get to talk to him every night, I'm finding it frustrating that we only chat for about ten minutes because he is so tired. I miss him so much, and I know he misses me. Also, I'm quite nervous about the whole match thing - it worries me to no end. He hasn't scheduled any interviews just yet, and is working on his online application, but I'm such an 'on top of everything' gal that it is hard for me to not constantly ask him if he has everything done. How can I survive?! Any words of wisdom would be ever-so appreciated! :)
Frantic in VA,
sHp

The Personal Statement

My husband is starting to write his personal statement. I've heard a few things about it as far as applying to residency (scroll down to the second paragraph).
For those of you past this phase what was your experience? Any advice? Thanks!

Having kids...

In previous posts, we've talked about the timing of our marriages relative to med school. Now I'm curious about your experiences with having/raising kids while your husband was in med school/residency.



*When did you have your kids or when do you hope to have them?
*Did you have a support network of family and friends nearby or were you in a city far from your families?
*Any great stories? advice?

Applying to residency

Perhaps these are questions for survivor Saturdays but now that we are beginning the application process I have a few more specific questions...

• How many programs did your husband/significant other apply to?
• Of those programs how many interviews did he take?
• Did you apply all over the country?
• Roughly how much did you spend?
• Any advice on personal statements - from what I hear these don't generally help you and are viewed as only having the ability to hurt you?
• Any other advice?

I know some of those may be personal questions- but if any of you care to share it would be much appreciated! I will be documenting the whole application process on my personal blog, and am also planning on keeping track of every cent it costs.

Only a few more days...

And our spouses will be in new medical training year (for the many of us who are still in training!) I can't believe we are about to start our final year of school! We are very excited to start applying for residency - we already have our "list" of programs narrowed down! (I am just a little nervous about the expense of applying and interviewing).

What will this year bring for you?

Discussion

There is a question posed about primary care physicians over on the Physicians in Training blog. Go over here to add your two cents. I think this is an important discussion for everyone, no matter the field your spouse is pursuing. Thanks!