We graduated from medical school last month and I feel more lost than when we started this journey four years ago. Contradictory, my husband feels more stable with the start of his residency upon us.

After two years into medical school life changed for us. We moved two hours away to complete our third year of rotations. And thus the crux of where my journey of being off-track began. I was a teacher and expecting my second child in August during third year. Finding a job in a new location and asking for maternity leave; just didn’t look good. So, we decided I would stay home. That was a decision I really wanted to happen. When I left my career I had moved into administration and it was beginning to be quite a struggle with taking care of the home front. So, I took homemaking on by the horns and vowed to become the best June Cleaver ever (dang type A personality).

I did what I knew best, I got involved….I got all of us involved. Each day was a full schedule. I thought to myself, "If I just keep busy I won’t get board." At the time I thought being a stay-at-home mom meant I would become boring and be sitting on the couch and eating bon bons all day. The kids and I ended up burnt out. I wasn’t a nice mom, I didn’t have emotional or physical time for my husband and I resented our decision for me to stay home. I had to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to be a stay at home mom. How did others make it look so fun? So easy? So full of worth?

From then on we cut out several activities. I kept our afternoons free at home so I wouldn’t be rushing in and attempting a hot meal exhausted and at the end of my rope. We just stayed home when my husband was off and did at-home activities. Things started looking better, I felt a relief and started to enjoy being home. So, that is how people made it look good; they embraced and made a flow for their family.

Then enters medical school to throw us for a loop again. We had two options for fourth year; the kids and I stay in a town we just moved to while my husband was gone for six months or we move to MI with my family and see my husband. So, this AZ based family scoured the REI annual sale for winter items and headed to the Midwest.

Living with family with two very active boys was a whole other adjustment within itself. We were so grateful for the ability to save money and see my husband, but I had to learn how to be a stay at home mom again. In a new environment, no friends, no playmates, no activities, no church, and no feeling of community and not even in our own home. I did my best to keep my boys in library time and we ended up joining a gym, which saved my life, but life was defiantly different. Instead of playing with my kids I constantly followed them picking up after them. I held my breath when they played inside because I was afraid they would break something. I was exhausted of just surviving.

Now, fast-forward to today; we are in our own home in our new town. As soon as we moved in we began renovating, painting, unpacking, you know the usual excited new homeowner things. We are in our own space in a place I know we will be for at least four years.

But why am I not happy? Why am I not over joyous with this victory over medical school and matching in a residency?

We sat and did our budget the other day (non joyous answer right there) and we decided I had to bring in some type of income. Specifically to help with the overhaul we did on the house and just to give us an emergency fund again. So, I took the bull by the horns again and updated my resume and pulled out my references. But I had no where to go, I had no place to land….what have I done in two years….what am I doing with my time? Oh sure I could get my teaching certificate in MI, but when I left education I was in administration and I am not sure I have it in me to climb the ranks again and go back to teaching in a school system.

I found myself asking, "Who am I" and answering "I am a wife of a doctor" and it made me mad. I am a wife of a doctor who has sacrificed her career, her things, her feeling of a community, of things I knew all to help my husband fulfill his dream. And you know what, I was kind of angry with this for a week. Like drink a bottle of wine angry. I don’t know if it was the five moves in four years or the feeling that I have been just barely making it by and for the first time in my life I didn’t know what to do next.

Then, my husband got an email and asked me to take care of it. And it dawned on me…I am a wife of a doctor who couldn’t have done it without me. All those moves, all those new cable set ups, quotes for moving, packing of boxes and still making a homemade dinner (most of the time), yeah that was me.

Then, I even thought I have two young boys that I keep alive every day and one that is starting to read…because of ME.

I know it is so easy to get wrapped up in what you have said good-bye to in order for your husband to become a doctor. But at the same time look at what you have learned to embrace. I am not afraid….of anything really, nothing. Any change, any upset I know I can handle…because I have handled A LOT. What I have realized is that I am not identified by my career or my income (or lack thereof one).

So, what am I? I am a wife of a doctor who loves her doctor and her children more than anything.

Celebrate the small success, don’t dwell on the good-byes and embrace the change!

To all you doctors wives out there….YOU can do this and YOU can find out even more who you really are in the process.

NAME: Stacie Johnson

PROFESSION: A practicing wife and stay at home mom

(Oh and P.S. I have started watching children to help with our budget. But I always ask myself "What do I want to be when I grow up?").

　

　

　

　

Pre-Med Perspective: It's the climb.

The infamous MCAT is behind us. The applications are in. Secondaries are complete and fees are paid. Now comes the all too familiar waiting game. Ever since I've been married to DH, it's been a test of our patience for our lives to move forward. Seven months after we were married, my husband was deployed to Iraq for 15 dreadful months. After DH was gone for only 30 days, I received news that would play a huge part in our life's course. On Halloween night as I sat by a bonfire with my best friend, my phone rang at 11:36pm. My husband had been hit by a roadside bomb. My heart was beating from my chest as I heard the words coming from my point of contact over the phone. For the next few hours I was restless and prayerful until the moment I heard his voice over the phone. It's surreal to me. It's so hard to understand the pain he felt and I cannot imagine what he lived through. As horrifying and dark the incident was, I am thankful. There is always something good to be found in even the most awful events. From this single event came my husbands desire to become a Doctor. He was the first to administer first aid to the other soldiers wounded in the explosion. It changed him. It sparked a fire in him that I've never seen before. Though his recovery was long and difficult, his doctors impacted his life in a big way and he knew he wanted to do the same for others. So here we are trekking up this mountain. While I am counting down the days until we reach the top, I have to remind myself to enjoy the climb.

Survivor Story:  Med School, Residency, Job, and Beyond!

V and I got married in July of 2001, and he began medical school that August.  Going back further, I was in the room when he opened the acceptance letter, I was waiting for him after he finished the MCAT, I prayed with him about whether or not he would pursue medicine at all, I studied with him for college finals, I was friend to this goofy guy who played fun music in his Isuzu Rodeo and frequented coffee shops.  When we met in 1997, I had no idea we would ever be more than friends, and I certainly had no clue what our lives would look like as we stepped into his medical training as newlyweds.  

I don't believe anyone can adequately prepare another person for any experience by trying to explain her own experience.  It is helpful, to be sure, but it is when we face things on our own that we truly learn.  With that disclaimer, I've tried to pull up some memories of distinct periods of time to share.

A special note to wives of medical students:  let your husband study as much as he needs to.  Know that "your turn" for his undivided attention will come.  He loves you, he wants to do well so he can provide for you.  He feels a tremendous pressure to succeed, and to make each test, each course, count.  Support him in prayer, in word, and in deed.  It is hard to put oneself last.  It goes against our nature.  

We lived in a poorly insulated, old house in New Orleans during V's med school years.  We had one cat, and we all spent a lot of time in the room we designated "the office".  I sat with the cat on my lap, and read, wrote, sketched, and tried to stay awake in support of my husband.  He didn't have to study hard in college to do well, but the increase in information going into med school was exponential.  He would even study in bed, when I couldn't stay awake, using a headlamp to light his books.  Post-exam days I would find him catching up on sleep.  I was so anxious to be with him again, to have his attention, but there was more opportunity to practice patience.  I did a lot of praying for patience and contentedness during those four years.  

A special note to wives of residents:  this is a particularly rough part of the journey.  This is where my husband became something of a lost sheep for a time.  God nudged me constantly to pray for him, and now that we're on the other side, V has said how truly priceless my prayers were.  Residency for him meant nearly no time to nourish his body, spirit, or mind.  Running on empty for that long is almost impossible.  

V's residency was a very busy ENT program in a fairly large city.  We saw a lot of big, life-changing personal struggles around us, and went through some ourselves during those five years.  V became a skilled surgeon and a very thorough and caring physician, but at great cost to himself, and our family.  We had become parents at the end of his 4th year of med school, and I found myself doing so many things on my own.  It was harder emotionally and mentally than physically, to me.  I knew that this stage of training was pivotal to V's career, but my heart seemed to always long for more.  I did even more praying for patience, endurance, contentedness, peace, and the ability to give when I just wanted to have more of my husband.  

A special note to wives of physicians who have recently finished residency:  rejoice, be thankful together.  Keep your eyes on things that are true, lasting, and good.  The world has much to offer, but its riches fade and do not fulfill.  Remember the days of little when there is abundance.  If you are a people of faith as my husband and I are, keep asking God how He wants your husband to use his gifts and calling to medicine.  And keep praying.  Bloom where you have been planted, even if you are not where you'd hoped or expected to be!

By the end of residency, we had endured a miscarriage but also welcomed the blessing of our second child, a daughter.  Our family of four moved two hours south for V to join a seven-physician private practice.  At first it seemed ideal, but after three years we had to re-evaluate.  After weighing everything, we decided to pursue a different opportunity in a different city, an hour back north.  We learned so much about what makes a good physician, about marketing and business, and about what we wanted in V's career.  It's about so much more than tangible earnings.  

This June will mark four years after the completion of V's residency.  We feel settled; we are having a home built, our son has enjoyed his 4th grade year in this new school, our daughter is happy at home with me and will start pre-K in the fall.  We are close to both sides of our family, which is something we had always wanted.  We hope that this place will be "it".  We are still learning, too!

This is far longer than I'd planned.  I suppose I could write a book on our experiences as a couple as we've journeyed through applying to med schools all the way to being in private practice.  At least, I could write enough quantity to fill a book; as for the quality, I'll keep looking to God to give me the words.  Blessings to all.

Married to a Medical Student

During my husband's first year of medical school he had a required meeting at school. I remember being slightly annoyed that day that he was at school a little longer than usual. He brought home extra cookies from the meeting for me and the kids. Instead of being thankful for his thoughtful gesture I was irritated. Irritated that he was away from the kids and I "hanging out with friends having fun...eating cookies". Oblivious to my irritation, he mentioned that they also had soda at the meeting. Pepsi. My favorite! But there were none left over otherwise he would have brought me one. That did it! I was officially annoyed that he was out having "fun" while I was at home taking care of our kids. Did I mention I was pregnant with #3 and slightly hormonal?! That I was the one working and taking care of the children, the household and arranging childcare and trying to settle our family into a new home in a new state?! All while he was off eating cookies and drinking soda with his friends:)

Clearly medical school is not the same as fun and games with friends. But in my mind I had made that connection from this one little incident two years ago. Lets just be clear, medical school is a lot of work. Hours and hours of studying. Boring, tedious studying just trying to keep up. Always feeling like you are behind and don't measure up. It is mentally challenging and exhausting. The vast amount of knowledge a medical student needs to gain has often been compared to trying take a drink out of a fire hose. And I think that is an understatement! And yet two years later, I still struggle with this "cookies & soda" mentality at times. When my husband has been gone for impossibly long hours at the hospital working like crazy, I sometimes get resentful instead of grateful that he is willing to sacrifice so much of himself for our family and his patients - present and future. Instead of being the "soft place" for him to land at the end of a hard day, I am often bristly and short with him. Resentful at times that he gets to go out and have "fun". Thankfully I married a man with not only very tough skin, but he is understanding and forgiving as well....very forgiving as I am a slooooow learner:)

There have been a few times throughout these past two and half years that my husband has had to gently remind me that he doesn't like being away from the kids and I so much and that it isn't all "cookies and soda" while he is gone! What?! He isn't just sitting around joking, having a jolly time with his friends? Shocker, I know.

My husband has also been the one to realize that in order for our family to survive this medical training journey (trust me it is a journey!), it is important that I do things for myself. That I take the time to do things I enjoy that do not revolve around him and our kids. Sure these things have to be scheduled around him and his crazy medical school schedule, but we have made it work. That is why once month regardless of how busy he is, I have an evening of sewing with my girlfriends. Also this year I joined a once-a-week women's Bible study that has childcare included! We have made it a priority for me to get away with my girlfriends every once in a while - for example craft weekend with my mom and best friend and another time my good friend's overnight bachelorette party - even though that left him home with 3 kids when he should have been studying for his boards exam! He has also been trying to convince me to get a gym membership so I can get "me time" more often. But I just can't commit to that as it seems way out of our budget:) For now I enjoy jogging with my kids and hiding in my room with a good book (once my husband is home or after the kids are in bed). Both of which feel like "me time"!

These medical school years are long and hard for BOTH of us! And it is easy to lose sight of what WE are working towards, especially now that I am home full time with our kids and he is on rotations at the hospital for many, many, many hours. I will tell you one thing though...it ain't all cookies and soda...for either of us! I like to believe we have found a good balance. I do all I can to love and support my husband and make his life a tad easier. I plan special family activities for when he will be around and I NEVER complain to the kids about his absence or even insinuate that he should be home with us. I gladly...okay mostly gladly...make homemade dinners and make sure he has packed lunches every day. I want him to want to come home to us. And he makes sure I get the breaks I need. Breathers so I can recharge. So I can keep on keepin' on. It is a balancing act. And sometimes we breakdown. But we keep on trying. Working together. Cognizant of the fact that it is all too easy to become resentful of the other person. To falsely believe the other person has the easier role. That the other person is just sitting around eating cookies and soda while I am working like a mad person.

A little bit about me: I am non-practicing PA (worked up until the birth of my last baby) now a
stay-at-home mom to our 3 young kids! We are deep in the medical school trenches as my husband is a MSIII currently finishing up his 8 week surgery rotation. I blog (frequently!) to help keep sane and to keep life in perspective - that and it kills sometime while my husband is away. It helps:) To see this post (with pictures of the fam!) and more hop on over to my blog @ www.longdaysarchives.blogspot.com

Med School Madness

Excuse me, I was told we would have time for all of this.

Time is an odd thing.  As a wise LDW wife said long ago 'the time goes fast but somedays are long'.  When I first heard that little bit of wisdom, my husband had just started MS and I thought my days were a bit on the long side. I was not a huge fan of those days and hoped this whole thing would just go by as fast as possible.  Fast forward to a couple years later and now my husband needs to figure out the whole match process.  Today, he finalized his fourth year schedule  and that took a huge load off our shoulders.  He also narrowed down the list of programs he would like to be a part of one day and hopefully match in one of them.   It was a pretty big deal and we are happy to be done with all of that.  BUT,  before all that happened, I was asked this morning if we had all the details for next year set and of course I thought, 'not really but we have time'.  Turns out, WE HAD time.  We now had deadlines looming super close and we needed to get our stuff together.  Time is up, turn in your stuff! That line keeps running through my head as the day comes to a close.  Time is definitely up for some stuff and I'm still asking 'where did the time go? I though we had like six more months, no? Darn.

Seriously, what happened. Last I checked, he started med school and we had a huge move.  We settled then moved again and  'mother of pearl' as my six year old says (don't judge), we started checking out new towns today.  It just keeps on happening! Time keeps on moving.  I was reminded  that my while my husband has been in medical school my son kept growing, our marriage continued to have anniversaries and our parents got older.  I'm a little sad we haven't enjoyed all things but I am so thankful for the things we made time to enjoy.   I'm glad my husband 'wasted' some study time with us.  I'm really glad we grabbed a date whenever we had a chance, even if it was just a quick walk together.  I will forever be thankful we called grandma B one too many times when we lived away from her.  Heck, I'm glad I enjoyed KC's bbq often and I'm definitely glad I visited a certain museum until my little heart was content.  My point is this, live life and don't put stuff on hold.  Since time keeps ongoing, make sure you keep going too.

I share all these things hoping someone is encouraged.  Not encouraged because we got some stuff done today, who cares about us but encouraged that we felt like we needed more time.  I hope this reminds someone whose days are LONG to hang in there because these days are not permanent.  Neither good or bad days are here to stay, they all come to an end.  So, no matter where you are in the journey I hope you were reminded to just keep on going, whatever light you are looking for will come soon enough, sometimes sooner than you'd like!

Carpe diem or something like it!

Judith

PS- join the LDW Facebook page, these ladies are awesome and chances are that if you need a girlfriend who gets it, you'll find a few girls who get it.  Local meet ups are happening all the time.  Can't wait to meet you!


PPS
"When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch." Unknown

Med School Madness

 The Q and A. Part 2.

(Finally)

A long time ago, in what feels like a galaxy far away, before yet another move and other things on the way, I wrote a little blog post about the lives of several Student Dr. Wives.  It was great fun to ask the LDW girls a few questions and more fun still to read their well thought out responses.  If you are interested in reading that post, you can find it here (http://doctorwives.blogspot.com/2013/06/med-school-madness-theq-and-part-1.html).  That was part one; today I am finishing up that conversation.  In the first post, we talked about some of the shared realities of medical school and what it’s like to be the partner of those who attend medical schools all over the US.  We talked about adjusting to MS, finances, study time and such.  Today, I’d like to finish by posting about some of the emotional matters of being the partner of a medical student.  Again, I’d like to thank Jessie, Tabatha, Jennifer, Rachel, Amanda, Mia and Margaret whose answers made these posts much better than anything I could have done on my own.  I wish you could read all their responses. These ladies are far more gifted as story tellers and writers than I can ever be.  They should tell their own stories and I hope they can guest post  but until that time comes, thank you ladies for allowing me to share your answers.  Thank you!

Now then, let’s get started.

First question, I can’t be the only worrier.  What worries you now about your Student Dr?

Jessie- Getting through Step 1 and away rotations. His first rotation, starting July 1, will take him about 90 minutes away for three months. It’s going to be tough.

Tabatha- My hubby has already begun to worry about the dreaded "L" word. Lawsuit. He does not handle rejection or failure well. I worry about how he is already concerned about this in ways he shouldn't be (stressed out, losing sleep, etc)

Margaret- I’m definitely concerned about how residency will impact our fledgling marriage. Quality time is important to both of us and I think it will be hard to start our marriage in a new city at the same time DrH starts residency. I think we will both learn a lot about flexibility and generosity in these first few years!

Rachel- Time management and the hectic scheduling of fourth year. I feel like there's so many things he will be juggling at once, away rotations during applying for residency, traveling again for step 2, traveling for interviews. He is not a person who "stops" when there's something else he can do. He just keeps going and going until there is nothing left on his to-do list. That has worked thus far and got him a long ways during the lecture years, but now he is going to have to learn how to sleep when things are left undone until tomorrow.

As you look back, is there one thing you wish you had done differently? AND/OR what are some things you got right?

Tabatha- I know a lot of couples have kids before or during medical school but I am so glad we decided to wait to have kids. I feel like it took a huge stress off us. It was a hard decision to make (we both REALLY want kids) but I'm glad we decided to wait to start a family.

Margaret- Being flexible and making the most of the time we did have together, even when our schedules conflicted and limited that time.

Amanda- I have become a much more flexible person and learned a lot about myself.  I also made some of the best friends of my life with the Spouses Organization.  

Jessie- I am SO glad I went to law school. It is definitely possible to go back to school after kids are grown, but it seems like a much harder road than getting all the education you want and getting some experience under your belt before starting a family. I only wish both of us could have gone straight through; a year off between college and law school for me and three years off for my husband before medical school have delayed the possibility of starting a family.

Rachel- I wish we would have moved into a smaller place after we got married. I also think the sooner you can look at the true picture of finances in the many years to come, the better. I think waiting to start a family (was the right decision), even though that wasn't our original plan. It is a highly personal decision but going into a surgical specialty after medical school, we have eight years at a minimum until DrH will be out of training

As you look forward, what are some of your goals personally and as a couple who belong to the medical community?

Tabatha-My goals personally are to find a job that will allow me to be home more. As a couple we hope to just keep up what we're doing and make it through this crazy journey. Eventually, (after residency) we hope to end up back in Oregon where hubby can practice for a few years and then return to his school as faculty.

Margaret-We are hoping to start our family soon, so we will be striving to nurture our young marriage and cultivate a strong, loving home environment for our children while juggling the stresses of medical training.  As a couple, we feel very strongly that it is important to develop relationships within our community and to support doctors and medical couples who are younger in their training.  We hope to be a light to our community just as others have been lights to us.

Amanda-Our goals are to get a residency in our home state, with the full knowledge that we may end up a million miles away.  We’d like to have kids, a house and may be more cats. The future is exciting!

Rachel- To stay involved and be humble and stay anonymous. We want to give to the causes we choose and make an impact through volunteering, and then go on our merry way and enjoy the little time we have with our family together.

Jessie-I’d like for us to be more than just a doctor and his wife. That is, I don’t want my husband defined only by his job title, and I certainly don’t want to be defined as only an extension of him and his job title. That’ll be tough in our society, which is dragging its knuckles on the path to gender equality, and particularly in my religious community, where I am often asked first what my husband does, rather than what I do. If, at some point, I am a stay-at-home mom, I intend to wear that badge with honor, and I hope to contribute even the tiniest bit to an increase in society’s respect for the work mothers do. I can’t contribute that way if I allow myself to be defined as a “doctor’s wife.” I guess, essentially, I want both of us to preserve and proclaim our individual identities rather than being content to nestle into the boxes people will no doubt try to shove us into.   

Secondly, I hope we can hang onto our material perspective. I grew up in extreme poverty (extreme for the United States, that is), and my husband comes from simple means as well. I hear a lot of my colleagues and a lot of doctors’ families lament how little money they make and how hard it is to stretch their six-figure incomes (talking about after residency, clearly), and I fear falling into the same jaded mindset. No idea how we’ll instill the right perspective in offspring who, when asked, will have to answer that their parents are a doctor and a lawyer. Any advice there would be greatly appreciated.

Lastly, since our purpose at LDW is to support the medical spouse, I asked the girls share about a person who has encouraged them through the medical journey aside from their spouse. 

The unanimous response was that other medical wives get it.  They make a huge difference.  All those who answered stated that another MS girl has been just what the doctor ordered.  GO US! Jessie did bring up her puppy.  For her, her pup was a gift during the lonely times and Rachel had this to say:

“I have met many other significant others and spouses of medical students, but it wasn't until I found the right one who became a great friend almost instantly as soon as we started hanging out, that I found someone that could travel the road through medical training with me. Having someone to talk to who understand without judgment is HUGE. No one else will outside of this, nor should we expect them to. As we will never understand truly what someone else's spouse goes through in their field. It's great to have someone to call on those long days DrH is in surgery or on call, who is newly married with the time constraints our spouses have, who can share their insight on setting up housing for away rotations or finding the best deals for flights for interviews. If you meet someone who can truly go through this experience with you, it will be hard not to come out on the other side friends for life.”

Thank you all for reading and checking out our blog. I learned a ton from doing this post.  I was reminded how import support is during the medical school years and how fast the time truly goes by.  This journey is temporary, it’s best to remember whatever trouble you see today will soon pass away.  If you don’t have a medical friend yet, hang in there and come visit our FB group, many of us are getting the encouragement and the advice we need in there.  Until next time!