Med School Madness

 The Q and A. Part 2.

(Finally)

A long time ago, in what feels like a galaxy far away, before yet another move and other things on the way, I wrote a little blog post about the lives of several Student Dr. Wives.  It was great fun to ask the LDW girls a few questions and more fun still to read their well thought out responses.  If you are interested in reading that post, you can find it here (http://doctorwives.blogspot.com/2013/06/med-school-madness-theq-and-part-1.html).  That was part one; today I am finishing up that conversation.  In the first post, we talked about some of the shared realities of medical school and what it’s like to be the partner of those who attend medical schools all over the US.  We talked about adjusting to MS, finances, study time and such.  Today, I’d like to finish by posting about some of the emotional matters of being the partner of a medical student.  Again, I’d like to thank Jessie, Tabatha, Jennifer, Rachel, Amanda, Mia and Margaret whose answers made these posts much better than anything I could have done on my own.  I wish you could read all their responses. These ladies are far more gifted as story tellers and writers than I can ever be.  They should tell their own stories and I hope they can guest post  but until that time comes, thank you ladies for allowing me to share your answers.  Thank you!

Now then, let’s get started.

First question, I can’t be the only worrier.  What worries you now about your Student Dr?

Jessie- Getting through Step 1 and away rotations. His first rotation, starting July 1, will take him about 90 minutes away for three months. It’s going to be tough.

Tabatha- My hubby has already begun to worry about the dreaded "L" word. Lawsuit. He does not handle rejection or failure well. I worry about how he is already concerned about this in ways he shouldn't be (stressed out, losing sleep, etc)

Margaret- I’m definitely concerned about how residency will impact our fledgling marriage. Quality time is important to both of us and I think it will be hard to start our marriage in a new city at the same time DrH starts residency. I think we will both learn a lot about flexibility and generosity in these first few years!

Rachel- Time management and the hectic scheduling of fourth year. I feel like there's so many things he will be juggling at once, away rotations during applying for residency, traveling again for step 2, traveling for interviews. He is not a person who "stops" when there's something else he can do. He just keeps going and going until there is nothing left on his to-do list. That has worked thus far and got him a long ways during the lecture years, but now he is going to have to learn how to sleep when things are left undone until tomorrow.

As you look back, is there one thing you wish you had done differently? AND/OR what are some things you got right?

Tabatha- I know a lot of couples have kids before or during medical school but I am so glad we decided to wait to have kids. I feel like it took a huge stress off us. It was a hard decision to make (we both REALLY want kids) but I'm glad we decided to wait to start a family.

Margaret- Being flexible and making the most of the time we did have together, even when our schedules conflicted and limited that time.

Amanda- I have become a much more flexible person and learned a lot about myself.  I also made some of the best friends of my life with the Spouses Organization.  

Jessie- I am SO glad I went to law school. It is definitely possible to go back to school after kids are grown, but it seems like a much harder road than getting all the education you want and getting some experience under your belt before starting a family. I only wish both of us could have gone straight through; a year off between college and law school for me and three years off for my husband before medical school have delayed the possibility of starting a family.

Rachel- I wish we would have moved into a smaller place after we got married. I also think the sooner you can look at the true picture of finances in the many years to come, the better. I think waiting to start a family (was the right decision), even though that wasn't our original plan. It is a highly personal decision but going into a surgical specialty after medical school, we have eight years at a minimum until DrH will be out of training

As you look forward, what are some of your goals personally and as a couple who belong to the medical community?

Tabatha-My goals personally are to find a job that will allow me to be home more. As a couple we hope to just keep up what we're doing and make it through this crazy journey. Eventually, (after residency) we hope to end up back in Oregon where hubby can practice for a few years and then return to his school as faculty.

Margaret-We are hoping to start our family soon, so we will be striving to nurture our young marriage and cultivate a strong, loving home environment for our children while juggling the stresses of medical training.  As a couple, we feel very strongly that it is important to develop relationships within our community and to support doctors and medical couples who are younger in their training.  We hope to be a light to our community just as others have been lights to us.

Amanda-Our goals are to get a residency in our home state, with the full knowledge that we may end up a million miles away.  We’d like to have kids, a house and may be more cats. The future is exciting!

Rachel- To stay involved and be humble and stay anonymous. We want to give to the causes we choose and make an impact through volunteering, and then go on our merry way and enjoy the little time we have with our family together.

Jessie-I’d like for us to be more than just a doctor and his wife. That is, I don’t want my husband defined only by his job title, and I certainly don’t want to be defined as only an extension of him and his job title. That’ll be tough in our society, which is dragging its knuckles on the path to gender equality, and particularly in my religious community, where I am often asked first what my husband does, rather than what I do. If, at some point, I am a stay-at-home mom, I intend to wear that badge with honor, and I hope to contribute even the tiniest bit to an increase in society’s respect for the work mothers do. I can’t contribute that way if I allow myself to be defined as a “doctor’s wife.” I guess, essentially, I want both of us to preserve and proclaim our individual identities rather than being content to nestle into the boxes people will no doubt try to shove us into.   

Secondly, I hope we can hang onto our material perspective. I grew up in extreme poverty (extreme for the United States, that is), and my husband comes from simple means as well. I hear a lot of my colleagues and a lot of doctors’ families lament how little money they make and how hard it is to stretch their six-figure incomes (talking about after residency, clearly), and I fear falling into the same jaded mindset. No idea how we’ll instill the right perspective in offspring who, when asked, will have to answer that their parents are a doctor and a lawyer. Any advice there would be greatly appreciated.

Lastly, since our purpose at LDW is to support the medical spouse, I asked the girls share about a person who has encouraged them through the medical journey aside from their spouse. 

The unanimous response was that other medical wives get it.  They make a huge difference.  All those who answered stated that another MS girl has been just what the doctor ordered.  GO US! Jessie did bring up her puppy.  For her, her pup was a gift during the lonely times and Rachel had this to say:

“I have met many other significant others and spouses of medical students, but it wasn't until I found the right one who became a great friend almost instantly as soon as we started hanging out, that I found someone that could travel the road through medical training with me. Having someone to talk to who understand without judgment is HUGE. No one else will outside of this, nor should we expect them to. As we will never understand truly what someone else's spouse goes through in their field. It's great to have someone to call on those long days DrH is in surgery or on call, who is newly married with the time constraints our spouses have, who can share their insight on setting up housing for away rotations or finding the best deals for flights for interviews. If you meet someone who can truly go through this experience with you, it will be hard not to come out on the other side friends for life.”

Thank you all for reading and checking out our blog. I learned a ton from doing this post.  I was reminded how import support is during the medical school years and how fast the time truly goes by.  This journey is temporary, it’s best to remember whatever trouble you see today will soon pass away.  If you don’t have a medical friend yet, hang in there and come visit our FB group, many of us are getting the encouragement and the advice we need in there.  Until next time!

The purpose of this blog

I have a confession to make. I don't want you all to get mad at me; I just need to be honest for a moment. When I meet someone and find out they are married to a doctor, do you know what my first reaction is? According to the world at large, it should be jealousy, or resentment, or a snap judgment on how materialistic she is. But my first reaction borders on pity. A part of me hurts for that poor woman knowing some of the things she is probably going through. This is an embarrassing thing to admit because I am crazy in love with my husband and wouldn't trade him or our life together for anything. And I certainly don't pity myself for the things I've gone through. They've made me a stronger person. But I feel for that woman because I know that being married to a doctor isn't what society seems to think it is.

I was hopping around the blogs of some of our new contributors and I ran into one called The Secret Lives of Doctor Wives, written by Gail Konop Baker. I got her permission to use the first paragraph of her first entry.

"Welcome to my new Secret Lives blog.... I've been married to a physician for more than 20 years and as sexist and archaic as it may seem, many people think that marrying a doctor is like the Harvard of marriage. The myth is that the doctor's will be financially and physically set. The children will be smart. Life will be easy. The truth is that many doctor's wives suffer in silence, afraid to complain about the loneliness and emotional deprivation and inability to develop a life outside the home because of the demands of their husband's professions. Afraid to speak out because it doesn't seem possible in this day and age for women to still be living in such traditional and at times oppressive roles. Afraid to speak out because others think the doctor's wife won the marriage lottery. Who are they to complain?"

Who are we to complain indeed. I wish I knew the lady who left the 15th comment on that post so I could use her whole comment. I will steal this sentence though and hope she forgives me: "Being a Dr's wife is like being a single Mom with a part-time lover and financial stability." Most of us still know nothing of the financial stability aspect. Most of us are still in the 'struggling to get by and can't even afford basic cable' stage.

For me personally, I don't feel like I'm stuck in a traditional or oppressive role. I love staying home and supporting my husband as he supports our family. I do, however, take issue with the whole "getting married to a doctor is the marriage lottery" concept. In some ways, I find it hard to blame them. Probably from the outside things look peachy. Sure, the doctor is driving a nice car or lives in a gorgeous house, but did they see the YEARS of sacrifice, blood, sweat, tears, and prayers that went into each brick of that house and each mile in that car? People told me before we started med school, and I believed them, that it would be hard. But until you experience it, you have no idea how hard it truly is. It is like trying to explain the love of a child. Until you experience it, you just have no idea how all consuming it is.

I started this blog with a few of my friends because I am tired of seeing so many of us out there struggling and not feeling understood. I know how many times I feel like I can't complain because when I do I hear the "Oh, but you are married to a doctor" brush off. I know I can't be the only one experiencing this. I know I can't be the only one who avoids telling people what her hubby does because of the reactions. The only one who has experienced going out to eat with new friends and when asked point-blank what it is DrH does, have every jaw drop for that split second and stare at you.

Believe me when I say it is not all miserable. I love it just as much as the next girl when DrH can diagnose or fix something and I can avoid a trip to the doctor's office. This path in life has many many blessings too and I embrace those as well. I just wanted us all to have a place to go to talk about all of the different facets of being married to a doctor. A place to embrace the good and bad. A place where people understand exactly what it is you are going through.

At times I wish this were a private blog so we could freely share our feelings. But then we would miss the chance to reach out to other women who are struggling and looking for a safe harbor.

One last thing and then I'll shut up. I was asked recently to give my opinion on being married to a med student. This is what I told her:

"Okay. You asked for the whole truth and nothing but the truth, right? I'm going to tell it to you, but it ain't gonna be pretty. :o)

It sucks. It is super hard. And it stays super hard for many years. Chaos becomes your "normal." You better have lots of hobbies because you will not be seeing a lot of your hubby. Get used to the idea of him missing birthday parties, date nights, and other major events like weddings and possibly even births. His life will no longer be his own. Accept the fact that if a pager rings, even if what you are doing is important, he'll have to leave. And a set schedule? You can throw that out the window now. He can tell you when he thinks he'll be home, but he can't always know when an emergency comes up. It isn't his fault, it is just out of his control. I can't even tell you all of the vacations and family reunions he has missed.

No, there never is enough free time. Usually our date nights are spent with the kids because he has so few days off, and the kids really need his time. He sometimes went days without seeing them.

In my personal opinion, I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone. If there is anything, and I mean ANYTHING, else he could possibly be interested in, I'd pursue that instead. If medicine isn't an absolute passion, it is not worth it. The money definitely isn't worth the sacrifices they are asked to make. So, if the money isn't worth it, why do they do it? Because they love it. It drives them. It calls to them. There is no other profession that could make him this happy. And for that reason alone, it has all been worth it for me. I'd do it again in a heart beat. I can't even explain how it suits him so perfectly. It is just his element. But I have quite a few friends who, if given the chance to go back in time, wouldn't go through this. That is a hard realization to come to after 8 years and hundreds of thousands in loans. (think over $200,000).

My recommendation? Do a lot of shadowing. Be in a hospital as much as possible. Talk to as many doctors as possible. Experience as much as you possibly can before you get started. Just the time and money spent on MCAT and application fees is astounding. Better to find out before you get in too deep.

Does that help? Did I answer all of your questions? Feel free to ask me anything at all. But remember, you asked me to be honest. :o)"

I do not want to come across as negative. If asked to go down this path again, I'd do it in a heart beat. This is an experience like no other. My husband's passion is for medicine. My passion is to give the wives a place to feel loved and accepted and validated. That is why I'm willing to open my thoughts up to scrutiny and expose myself to potential humiliation. If my vulnerability helps one woman see that she isn't alone in this journey, it will be worth it.

I'm sorry for the long and rambling post, truly I am. I know my writing skills leave much to be desired, but I hope that my emotions will be conveyed regardless of my weakness. Thanks to each one of you who have joined us and I hope you find the support you are seeking.