Residency Roundup: The Good

Its easy to dwell on the negatives of residency. Many, many posts focus on the (understandably)hard and long parts of training. I thought it would be refreshing to share some positives I have found through the last 3.5 years.

My Five Favorite things about Residency.
1. No administrative stuff!- We are not responsible for any staffing, billing, RVUs, contract responsibilities, office maintenance, advertisement of practice...

2. Time off does not mean less pay- We just returned from a 5 day family trip and didn't have to think about making up the time or finding coverage over the practice.

3. Attitude toward our finances- I appreciate that during residency other people I meet don't have falsely high expectations of my lifestyle.  A huge home, a German made car, perfect skin care, kids in coordinated outfits, magazine worthy home decor and many other ideas I have overheard that a 'doctors family' is assumed to have.  While each of those items are a great/fun thing to have, I relish the time in residency where none of those expectations exist.  

4. Benefits- Our program has amazing Medical, Dental, and Vision coverage.  We paid nothing for our third child's birth!

5. Co-residents = instant friends- We feel extremely lucky to have matched with another family very similar to ours.  They know exactly what we are going through because they are the only ones in the same program!  Rarely in life are you 'matched' with someone so closely. 

We all have difficult times!  We survive.  We move on.  But, as we move on, we all need to remember that life currently has great stuff happening:) 

:)Cami

p.s. What are your favorite things about residency??

How was YOUR day?

One of the other DWs brought up a great topic (thanks, Shayna!) in the comments on my last post.

So, I want to know how many of you has this happened to?

Me: "My day was terrible, hon, my boss yelled at me, I cried, I messed up a big report and blah blah blah..."

Hubs: "Wow, that sounds awful"

Me: "Yeah, it was. Tell me how was YOUR day?"

Hubs: "I had a two patients die on me and then one of the other docs called in sick and I had to skip lunch and work 3 hours over unpaid.."

Talk about disproportional bad days. I don't work in the medical world or really anything like it, so my bad days will never be proportionately bad as HIS bad days. Which, hey, that's ok because it gives me perspective and makes me grateful, but at the same time...it kind of makes me feel just an eensy weensy bit smaller inside. Not even sure if that makes sense.

This story is always one to pull out when you're at one of those awkward dinner parties with people that ask you with stars in their eyes "so what's it really like to be a doctor's wife?"

Just Keep Swimming

As the past 8 years have passed, I have become more and more used to my husband’s crazy schedule.  This last 5 months of residency are becoming the hardest months that we have endured during our marriage.  We will still have another year of training after this, the here and now is hard.  I take huge security in the fact that my husband and I are able to communicate about anything, but it still doesn’t change the long months of time my husband spends away from our familial unit.  The part that is harder than those long months is that when he is here, his time is filled with a horrid schedule to make up for the time that he has been away.  Essentially, he is here and yet he is not here.  It’s driving me crazy. 

I am over the brunt of my feelings on the subject.  It’s a form of mourning, I think.  I am to acceptance, I think.  I’ve also come to the realization that the strength we have in our communication and love for one another is what will see us through.  I can see how couples find themselves in situations of unhappiness during this process. 

In the words of Dory on Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”

 

Excuse me

I need to get this off my chest.

If you know someone who is in the medical field, PLEASE be respectful of their family time. If you need to call and ask a question, fine. If you are requiring hours of assistance, find another source please. These guys need time with their families. No, not their Family of Origin, the one they are currently living with. Yes, we appreciate all that family members contribute to our lives, but there have to be boundaries. Their current family takes priority

That is all.

Survivor Saturdays - Judge not, and you will still be judged anyway

It happened again.

I should be used to it by now, but I’m always left a little stunned and hurt... and furious. Especially when someone I thought was a good friend dishes it out.

It will happen to you, most likely. At some point.

Just because your husband has “Doctor” in front of his name, people – friends – will assume that your life is a piece of cake and that having a large salary means that you don’t have a care in the world, that you are not a member of “normal” society, that somehow you think you are better than everyone else.

I hate it. I can’t tell you how much I hate it. So please pardon me if this post is part “survivor” and part rant and part whine. I figure you, of all people, can empathize.

Part of me wants to back this person into a corner and explain to her in great detail the last 14 years of my life. Of living on $20,000 a year and Hamburger Helper for the first five years of our marriage. Of having two kids and a house and a resident’s salary. Of rotations when my husband would leave at 5 a.m. and roll into our driveway again at 10 p.m - if at all. Of dinners without him. Of holidays without him. Of every“vacation” spent visiting our families 800 miles away. Of interrupted dinners and date nights and family time when he is on-call. Of delivering devastating diagnoses to his patients, the stress of which inevitably spills over into our marriage and family.

I’d like to tell her that while being a doctor – and a doctor’s wife – is an enormous blessing with a lot of perks, it is also an enormous responsibility that we take very, very seriously. I’d like to tell her that we strongly believe that our financial security behooves us to generously provide for the needs of others.

Yes, after 14 years of medical marriage, we are building a house. A great house. A very large house. Our dream house that we have been meticulously and prayerfully planning during the past 10 years. And we envision this house as a safe, warm, welcoming place for friends and strangers alike – because we have been very blessed, and our deepest desire is to be a blessing.

I’d love to say all of these things. I’d love to justify myself and my life. I’d love to cram it all down her throat and MAKE her understand.

But I can’t. First of all, that wouldn’t be very kind. But even if I could say all of these things, she still wouldn’t completely understand. No one could – not unless they have lived through it.

Which brings me to my next point. It is imperative that you have good friends who are also married to doctors. I now feel like I have to filter myself and what I talk about – especially the building of our house – when I am with friends outside of medicine for fear of coming across as pretentious or spoiled or out-of-touch or whatever. That makes me really sad. I wish I could be completely authentic with everyone. It also makes me slightly neurotic and paranoid (and admittedly and pathetically self-absorbed). What does THAT other person think about me? Who else is judging me? However, the friends that I have from training know me and understand me, and I can be completely honest with them. They are in (more or less) the same financial and circumstantial boat, so they know. They get it. They don't judge.

I also need to remember my own proverbial wisdom that I recite to my kids on a regular basis: If someone is being mean, there is always a reason. Always. There is a deeper hurt or insecurity inside that is causing them to lash out and act the way they do. (I'm convinced that's the reason God tells us to pray for our enemies.) So if someone is judging me because she thinks I’m a spoiled princess – well, obviously she doesn’t know me as well as I thought she did, and she also has some of her own issues that should lead me to compassion, not anger.

So put on an extra coat of thick skin, smile, and nod. They just don’t get it. They never will. But we’ve been there, and we know what is true. Remind yourself – and me, please – that what other people think about you is none of your business. It doesn’t matter. (it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter…)

Now, pardon me while I put on all my diamonds and prepare a tasty snack of champagne and bon-bons before jetting over to the spa...

Jennifer
Survivor in Pediatric Ophthalmology

Anyone other MS4s...

a complete wreck? I am sick to my stomach and crazy worried. I am suddenly questioning every phrase and word in my husband's application!

(Tomorrow is September 1, the first day you can submit residency applications - and for most competitive specialties it is important that you sumbit them on the first day!)

Sorry

Sorry that I haven't been able to update the status of everyone on the blog yet or update some other things, but I am sitting in the Subway parking lot with my screaming baby.....who has been crying for 4 weeks, trying to get caught up on bills and other important things in my emails! The Internet people are finally coming this Thursday to install Internet so I will actually be able to catch up on what everyone has been up to. We have been trying to desperately find necessities for Tom to get to the hospital everyday (since we didn't get into our house until a few days before he actually started work), so blogging has not been a priority! Hope everyone is doing well and I will get things updated ASAP and get things hopping again! Take care!

Personal Battles

This was sent to me by an anonymous lady hoping to get some advice from us, please do your best to help by sharing some constructive answers and perhaps personal experiences.

I'm just sometimes tired of 2 things that I've tried battling lately:

1. He is always busy and whenever he gets off work , he is just too tired to have a good conversation and we live an hour away till his posting finishes ( probably 1.5 years) and we only have one day in a week , where he tries to do everything at once. From his chores to catching up with me. I sometimes miss doing what "normal " couples do. I have been patient and usually i am but sometimes it really gets to me. I mean i deserve attention , don't i?

2. The nurses and certain doctors and patients throw themselves shamelessly at him. I'm glad that he tells me , but i do get insecure sometimes , because I'm not around.

Any advice?

To Be or Not To Be......

It was brought to my attention that this important question was asked a little bit ago in the comment section of another question and we didn't want to see it passed by. Please share your experience or opinion on this matter.

My boyfriend is a resident and will be going into his last year soon. He is waiting to match for fellowships and has asked that i move with him if and when he does. The thing is that i have a career and make quite a bit of money and money has never been the issue for me. I want to live. He has asked me for a 5 year commitment to wait for him while he completes his fellowship. I'm 31 and want to get married and have kids, sooner than later. He thinks we can do it all in a few years. The thing is that he isn't around and when things happen in my life like the death of a family member, he is not available to provide the kind of emotional support I need. My issue is communication with him and his understanding my perspective and valuing it and trying to figure out workable solutions. He thinks that just because he is barely trying to survive that I don't have the right to talk about my needs. Is this common?

Mellowing Out

It’s official…I’m getting older.

…and Mellower (is that even a word?)

I don’t stress over things that I used to stress over. I kind of just go along for the ride.

Okay, this is either that I am getting older…or…

I’m finally getting used to my husband’s profession and caving to the fact that I often find myself in the position of being both “Mom” and “Dad.”

....

Please visit my blog and continue reading this post! :)

http://joz1234.wordpress.com/2009/05/08/mellowing-out/

To Those of You Who May Become a Doctor's Wife

Sometimes I feel a little like this:

Wanted:
A good woman to be spouse of physician in training. Applicant should expect to take care of the following duties:

• All housekeeping
  
• All home maintenance
• All car maintenanace
• All Home expenses
• Children (to include the following: feeding, bathing, playing with, entertaining, teaching, doctor's visits, playdates, sick children duties as well)
• Grocery Shopping (this includes managing to stay under budget for the doctor who has certain tastes and expectations that will often put you over budget for each week. Plan ahead for this)
• Planning all vacations, trips home
• Planning birthday parties and house parties/social events
• Attending social events alone or with only your kids
• Sleeping alone in bed sometimes weeks at a time
• Talking only to kids for days at a time when kids are ill

I happily accept all these duties including the big ones:

• Giving up ALL control to the scheduling of your time...it must always defer to the physician husband. Whether it means that you must take extra days off from work to take care of your sick child when your husband still has 20 days he could take and you are completely out and/or not work at all...whether it means you cannot send out your son's birthday invitations without either giving your guests days notice or having your husband not be able to be there because he is on call...Whether it is because it is April 5th and you still don't know your husband's April schedule...
  

The list goes on and on...some things are more frustrating than others--but all mostly understandable and adaptable by us. We get used to it and it grows on us. Our kids tell us things like: "Mommy, I cannot play right now...I just got called out with my pager. I have to go to work. We can play in a little while." They too get used to the life. We learn to enjoy our husbands all that much more when they are available...and love them from a distance when their minds are consumed by their jobs. We learn that if we don't get a call back from our husbands because they are in surgery...that they will call eventually. We also learn to rely on ourselves all the more. We befriend other physician's wives for comfort and understanding...and we welcome any woman willing to commit to this type of life with open arms.

The life of a doctor's wife is one of ultimate self-sacrifice for the family that they provide for. We may not provide financially, but we do provide our families with everything else they could possibly need...warmth, care, and love. We are the dependable glue that holds everything together. (you can call me Crazy Glue, if you want to)

So, when I feel like I am drained and just another person who answered that job ad...I think and breathe and realize that I did sign up for it...and I love my life.

Stereotypes

Today in Medical Mondays at a blog I look at often, Joy wrote about stereotypes and it really is something that I deal with a lot. I actually have heard from close friends things like aren't you afraid that he will cheat on you, since you know doctors always cheat, those things are hurtful and even though I trust my husband it still bothers. I also get "oh a doctor that must be nice" referring to all the money I must have (but dont)from people I don't know very well. Its simply annoying.

Dealing with his 'escape'

I recognize that everyone needs to 'escape' life once in a while--my dad would read the newspaper when he got home from work, my mom would read a good book, etc. I just really have a problem with my hubby's escapes--I don't know if it is the content or the amount of time he spends 'escaping' that he could be spending with me. He checks sports almost every chance he gets to see if a new article has been written and also now plays computer games (which he never did before we were married). What do you all do to be okay with your hubby's escapes? Do you tell yourself something or have you and the hubby found a balance? I just feel like I work hard doing all of the housework, cooking, etc. to lighten his load and to see him spending the time he might of spent folding clothes playing on the computer drives me crazy!

my 'But he's a doctor' rebuttal.

I was reading an article the other day regarding slaries of teachers in Oklahoma. Curious, I grabbed my calculator and plugged in numbers to compare B's PGY3 salary to that of the 'average teacher salary'.

Yup.

We make less than an average teacher.

8 stinkin years of college, and gazillion hour work weeks, and we make less than a teacher.

Seems fair, right?

Those who hold the minds of our children, and those who hold the hands of those who are ill should be the poor ones, right?

The purpose of this blog

I have a confession to make. I don't want you all to get mad at me; I just need to be honest for a moment. When I meet someone and find out they are married to a doctor, do you know what my first reaction is? According to the world at large, it should be jealousy, or resentment, or a snap judgment on how materialistic she is. But my first reaction borders on pity. A part of me hurts for that poor woman knowing some of the things she is probably going through. This is an embarrassing thing to admit because I am crazy in love with my husband and wouldn't trade him or our life together for anything. And I certainly don't pity myself for the things I've gone through. They've made me a stronger person. But I feel for that woman because I know that being married to a doctor isn't what society seems to think it is.

I was hopping around the blogs of some of our new contributors and I ran into one called The Secret Lives of Doctor Wives, written by Gail Konop Baker. I got her permission to use the first paragraph of her first entry.

"Welcome to my new Secret Lives blog.... I've been married to a physician for more than 20 years and as sexist and archaic as it may seem, many people think that marrying a doctor is like the Harvard of marriage. The myth is that the doctor's will be financially and physically set. The children will be smart. Life will be easy. The truth is that many doctor's wives suffer in silence, afraid to complain about the loneliness and emotional deprivation and inability to develop a life outside the home because of the demands of their husband's professions. Afraid to speak out because it doesn't seem possible in this day and age for women to still be living in such traditional and at times oppressive roles. Afraid to speak out because others think the doctor's wife won the marriage lottery. Who are they to complain?"

Who are we to complain indeed. I wish I knew the lady who left the 15th comment on that post so I could use her whole comment. I will steal this sentence though and hope she forgives me: "Being a Dr's wife is like being a single Mom with a part-time lover and financial stability." Most of us still know nothing of the financial stability aspect. Most of us are still in the 'struggling to get by and can't even afford basic cable' stage.

For me personally, I don't feel like I'm stuck in a traditional or oppressive role. I love staying home and supporting my husband as he supports our family. I do, however, take issue with the whole "getting married to a doctor is the marriage lottery" concept. In some ways, I find it hard to blame them. Probably from the outside things look peachy. Sure, the doctor is driving a nice car or lives in a gorgeous house, but did they see the YEARS of sacrifice, blood, sweat, tears, and prayers that went into each brick of that house and each mile in that car? People told me before we started med school, and I believed them, that it would be hard. But until you experience it, you have no idea how hard it truly is. It is like trying to explain the love of a child. Until you experience it, you just have no idea how all consuming it is.

I started this blog with a few of my friends because I am tired of seeing so many of us out there struggling and not feeling understood. I know how many times I feel like I can't complain because when I do I hear the "Oh, but you are married to a doctor" brush off. I know I can't be the only one experiencing this. I know I can't be the only one who avoids telling people what her hubby does because of the reactions. The only one who has experienced going out to eat with new friends and when asked point-blank what it is DrH does, have every jaw drop for that split second and stare at you.

Believe me when I say it is not all miserable. I love it just as much as the next girl when DrH can diagnose or fix something and I can avoid a trip to the doctor's office. This path in life has many many blessings too and I embrace those as well. I just wanted us all to have a place to go to talk about all of the different facets of being married to a doctor. A place to embrace the good and bad. A place where people understand exactly what it is you are going through.

At times I wish this were a private blog so we could freely share our feelings. But then we would miss the chance to reach out to other women who are struggling and looking for a safe harbor.

One last thing and then I'll shut up. I was asked recently to give my opinion on being married to a med student. This is what I told her:

"Okay. You asked for the whole truth and nothing but the truth, right? I'm going to tell it to you, but it ain't gonna be pretty. :o)

It sucks. It is super hard. And it stays super hard for many years. Chaos becomes your "normal." You better have lots of hobbies because you will not be seeing a lot of your hubby. Get used to the idea of him missing birthday parties, date nights, and other major events like weddings and possibly even births. His life will no longer be his own. Accept the fact that if a pager rings, even if what you are doing is important, he'll have to leave. And a set schedule? You can throw that out the window now. He can tell you when he thinks he'll be home, but he can't always know when an emergency comes up. It isn't his fault, it is just out of his control. I can't even tell you all of the vacations and family reunions he has missed.

No, there never is enough free time. Usually our date nights are spent with the kids because he has so few days off, and the kids really need his time. He sometimes went days without seeing them.

In my personal opinion, I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone. If there is anything, and I mean ANYTHING, else he could possibly be interested in, I'd pursue that instead. If medicine isn't an absolute passion, it is not worth it. The money definitely isn't worth the sacrifices they are asked to make. So, if the money isn't worth it, why do they do it? Because they love it. It drives them. It calls to them. There is no other profession that could make him this happy. And for that reason alone, it has all been worth it for me. I'd do it again in a heart beat. I can't even explain how it suits him so perfectly. It is just his element. But I have quite a few friends who, if given the chance to go back in time, wouldn't go through this. That is a hard realization to come to after 8 years and hundreds of thousands in loans. (think over $200,000).

My recommendation? Do a lot of shadowing. Be in a hospital as much as possible. Talk to as many doctors as possible. Experience as much as you possibly can before you get started. Just the time and money spent on MCAT and application fees is astounding. Better to find out before you get in too deep.

Does that help? Did I answer all of your questions? Feel free to ask me anything at all. But remember, you asked me to be honest. :o)"

I do not want to come across as negative. If asked to go down this path again, I'd do it in a heart beat. This is an experience like no other. My husband's passion is for medicine. My passion is to give the wives a place to feel loved and accepted and validated. That is why I'm willing to open my thoughts up to scrutiny and expose myself to potential humiliation. If my vulnerability helps one woman see that she isn't alone in this journey, it will be worth it.

I'm sorry for the long and rambling post, truly I am. I know my writing skills leave much to be desired, but I hope that my emotions will be conveyed regardless of my weakness. Thanks to each one of you who have joined us and I hope you find the support you are seeking.