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Lives of Doctor Wives: Personal Battles

Friday, May 22, 2009

Personal Battles

This was sent to me by an anonymous lady hoping to get some advice from us, please do your best to help by sharing some constructive answers and perhaps personal experiences.

I'm just sometimes tired of 2 things that I've tried battling lately:

1. He is always busy and whenever he gets off work , he is just too tired to have a good conversation and we live an hour away till his posting finishes ( probably 1.5 years) and we only have one day in a week , where he tries to do everything at once. From his chores to catching up with me. I sometimes miss doing what "normal " couples do. I have been patient and usually i am but sometimes it really gets to me. I mean i deserve attention , don't i?

2. The nurses and certain doctors and patients throw themselves shamelessly at him. I'm glad that he tells me , but i do get insecure sometimes , because I'm not around.

Any advice?

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Anonymous Melissa said...

I am so glad that someone else has this issue because I thought it was just me. This is a very frequent argument I have with my boyfriend. Either he is too tired to see me, or he tries to see me but he is so tired he is moody and not fun to be around. (Not to mention the weeks of night float!!!) Also- I am one of the only people he has dated not in the medical field and as far as I know, none of his colleagues know he is dating anyone, so that makes me insecure as well. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you because I'm in the same boat. It's terrible. I want him to have time to himself, and time to hang out with friends without me, but when all that is done, no time is left for me. The ironic thing is I live next door to him. So there you go.

May 22, 2009 at 8:00 PM  
Blogger MW said...

R and I live together full-time, so some doesn't directly correlate, but the time apart can take quite a toll on relationships, even when you're sharing the same bed at night.
An important lesson R and I learned last fall when he was elbow-deep in his ob/gyn rotation, was that you have to MAKE time for each other. This shouldn't be stressful; it should just be a few minutes each day where you just get to talk like the friends you are. No talking about the house/kids/budget. Just have a real conversation with each other. It really makes for a bright spot in the day; helps make your marriage/relationship more of a treat and less of a stress.

As for the second part, I'm not sure how I'd take it. I mean, I don't tell R every time a guy flirts with me. The flirting means nothing and will not resort to anything. Teling R would just make him uncomfortable. Likewise, I'm sure there are women who flirt with him. I don't need to hear about it because I fully trust R. I don't mean to sound like I'm putting you down, nor do I mean to sound so naive. I've been cheated on before in previous relationships, though, and it's more often a symptom of something wrong rather than the real problem. Work with him to create a happier relationship, and this will be less of an issue. You can't control other women. Just focus on your relationship.

Also, if he's only home one day/week, what kind of chores does he have? Is there anything you can take over or that you could hire someone to do?

Good luck with everything! I recognize some of the feelings you've expressed, but it can be better.

May 22, 2009 at 10:16 PM  
Blogger --Leann-- said...

This seems like the thread that links all of us 'Doctor's better halves' together. The hours are many. The work is grueling. There just isnt much left for us afterwards.

Yes. You do deserve attention, but if he hasn't the time/energy what is he supposed to do? We are not 'normal' couples. There is no weekend off to have a date night and get the lawn mowed. There arent 9-5 hours (usually) which we can depend on, and schedule dinner around.

My suggestion is to get creative. On his day off, help him with his chores, or even arange to do them while he's working. By having those taken care of, he'll have more time & energy to focus on things he enjoys (you!).

Help him run his errands. We all know that his hours make things like grocery shopping and taking the car to the shop a royal pain in the patootie.

Send him love notes. It doesnt have to be anything big and sappy, but a simple silly card in the mail does wonders.

Make treats for him. Bake his favorite cookies/cake/pie, and leave it by his front door.

You'd be amazed how some of these simple things can bring you closer even when you can't be together.

And try not to tell him how hard this is on you. He knows. Bringing it up will make him feel like his choices are hurting you, and that's not a good thing. You dont want him to start thinking that he needs to choose between his career and his girlfriend. No one wins that contest.

2. The above will make him not care an ounce about who hits on him. If he knows he has the sweetest most understanding girl holding his heart, he wont care who hits on him.

May 22, 2009 at 10:20 PM  
Blogger MW said...

Leann, same sentiment but you expressed it much more eloquently. :)

May 23, 2009 at 1:41 AM  
Blogger Tasha said...

Leann had some of the best words. I think each of us experience the no time and too exhausted when there is time. It is hard to look at the normal couples and wish you had that. Surprising him with treats gives you a reason to eat it together!

As for the second, my husband tells me about the doctors who cheat on their wives and it's hard to hear because I don't want to become paranoid (and I know that Jeff himself would not do that). As hard as it is, at least he's telling you because that means he has nothing to hide. I guess use what he says as fuel to appreciate what a lucky catch you got! Easier said than done, I know...

May 23, 2009 at 7:24 AM  
OpenID justanotherstayathomemom said...

ditto the above..

my husband once told me, after a particularly long pity party, that i needed to stop staring at the wall and keep my eye on the prize. sound advice. at the time it made me mad, but he was right. i had to put on my big girl panties and realize that life will not always be like this...he will have time for me one day, he will not be so tired one day, he will be able to stay awake during a movie instead of falling asleep after five minutes one day.

keep you eye on the prize...he will be done and you will survive. get a calendar and mark his rotations so that you know when the worst is coming and when the easier is coming..call him during his lunch break for five minutes to say hello..know in your heart it wont be like this forever...

i have had some really low times, so i know how you feel, as do all the others. just remember, this too will pass, it will get better.

and frankly i would take it as a compliment that others were flirting with my man...it means you have really good taste!!! don't let that bother you.

good luck! and let us know what you think

May 23, 2009 at 5:10 PM  
Blogger Alexandra said...

Well put Leann!! There will never be enough time in life, no matter what career anyone is in, you just have to do your best to fit in the important things first and sometimes just let go of things that aren't important right now. Chores will always be there, and while I'm not condoning laziness, spending time with your family is #1, after the Lord, just keep your priorities straight!

On the second one, as hot as I think my hubby is, I have no idea what other women think, but I do know that Tommy probably wouldn't have a clue if a woman, or man for that matter, was hitting on him. Now if there was food involved, specifically steak, he might stray, but I've yet to see any co-workers carrying around cuts of meat to try to lead my hubby down the path of adultry! hehe No, I totally trust him!

May 24, 2009 at 10:32 PM  
Blogger JLee said...

There is so much technology out there now. Send him a pix message just to say you love him and vice versa. Utilize the internet, cell phones pagers. Leave a 30 second message on each others cell phones (aka love note). Etc, etc!
As for question #1...I highly recommend reading "The Intern Blues" by Dr. Robert Marion. It helps to gain perspective on what our docs go through. It's also highly entertaining. lol.

May 28, 2009 at 10:37 PM  
Blogger gabs said...

I am having the same problems before, even though I am also a doctor. He works in another hospital and specializes in Internal Medicine. I also am specializing in Internal Medicine. I feel as if Im neglected at times.. unhappy while watching other girls cuddling their husbands.. while my husband is doing 36-hour duties in the hospital. We ended up seeing each other only twice a month and quarreling at that because I felt I was needy of his affection and I felt guilty about it because I feel its a wrong thing to feel.. Also, we quarreled about why he does not answer my calls when I needed him to do so.. aside from the unanswered text messages.
However, as time went by, we realized our love is worth fighting for. What we need is compromise. For example, if he cannot fetch me at work, I fetch him myself. I wait for him patiently in his hospital after I am off from duty. And he loves the effort I am doing! Since we had compromise in our relationship we became more happier.

May 30, 2009 at 12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'd consider investigating if he's feeling a little insecure on his end, and is this why he feels he needs to mention when he is hit on.

June 11, 2009 at 6:18 PM  

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