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Lives of Doctor Wives: Sex & Residency: The Rocky Terrain that Leads to Greener Pastures

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Sex & Residency: The Rocky Terrain that Leads to Greener Pastures

I saw the board has been quiet, so I thought I would stir it up a bit. (Hope the admins don't oppose).

I just posted about sex and marriage on my blog (Good Sex Leads to Great Marriage). This post was prompted by my pastor's recent message: Go home and get naked. Yep, he urged all of us married couples to invest in our marriages whenever possible and all of us have been thanking him since.

As I wrote my post, I flashed back to those call days when DrM could sleep through anything (wink). When he WAS home, he usually shared the bed with a nursing baby. Those days were straining on our marriage. I remember waiting for DrM to come home so I could take my first pregnancy test. As I stuck the results in front of his face, he asked me if I had a fever. Can you relate? Any advice for wives who are feeling neglected?



OpenID thedrswifeisin said...

My Mother-in-law gave me great advice... She related the need of a woman to have emotional support and conversation to the need of a man's sexual needs. She told me to imagine him never telling me how beautiful I was or how much he loved and how that would make me feel. Whenever the "moment" comes around and I am not as excited as I should be, that little bit of advice always pops up in my head. It just helps me put everything into perspective.

October 19, 2010 at 12:03 PM  
Blogger Dicey said...

Once residency started, DH and I experienced a shift in our sexual relationship that was hard on both our egos: his libido dropped below mine. One thing I learned during intern year is that if he's gone 35 hours without sleep, I have to ask him to go to bed before asking ANYTHING else of him.

October 19, 2010 at 1:59 PM  
Blogger PsychPhDGirl said...

This has been hard for our relationship too. We met during intern year so it wasn't a problem then because everything was new, but now it seems like he's always too tired. Even on days off it still seems like he's really drained and would rather just watch TV.

October 19, 2010 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger Mrs said...

"Don't met him lay down or he will fall asleep, and you'll never get any." That's a whisper from a surgical resident's very proper wife. It is mostly true. Dr is very tired, doesn't eat right, doesn't get enough rest either. We've noticed if he does play tennis or basketball, or anything like that on his rare off days, his libido will peak and then we are game, so to speak. To all you wives out there-- AFFAIR-PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE. Be wary because there are crazy women out there who will throw themselves at your husband. Seriously, I am a nurse and have seen residents behaving badly at work. Married men acting single. Married men asking a girl at work on a date. Keep the home fires burning and make it easy for him to want to be faithful.

October 20, 2010 at 6:29 AM  
Blogger Kathi the wingspouse said...

Great advice, ladies. I think it is important to let others know that these problems are not unique to them and that lack of desire is not a reflection of the relationship or amt of attraction.

Sometimes the lack of desire is a problem on the spouse's part due in part to the amount of responsibility we have at home. We just don't have enough energy to "serve" everyone and so we fail to keep everyone happy... It is true that if a doctor wants to cheat, there is always someone out there who will allow him/her.

October 20, 2010 at 4:21 PM  
Blogger Elissa said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

October 20, 2010 at 5:54 PM  
Blogger K said...

Ha! The only case of affairs happening within a medical marriage I've seen was the doctors wife (who was a SAHM) cheating on her very busy husband who was running two private clinics.

October 20, 2010 at 6:11 PM  
Blogger Adriana said...

Hubs and I make it a priority to keep things good in our marriage. We have a pack that we think long and hard before saying no. I can honestly say that although there are times that I am just too tired or not in the mood I give in and say yes and then am so glad I did. We have also learned to be a little selfish. If things are good between us it helps the kids more than spending that little bit of extra time with them that we sometimes take for ourselves. So we leave the kids with the babysitter a little longer and grab lunch alone when he is post call and gets done early. When I was working and he had 5 straight weeks of night float we never saw each other. So once in a while I would run home on my lunch hour and surprise him. The point is just to be creative, flexible, and recognize the importance of making an effort.

October 21, 2010 at 8:51 AM  
Blogger rachel said...

Thank you so much for posting this, it certainly helps and makes me feel "normal" (ha). It's good to know we aren't the only couple who struggles with this kind of stuff!

October 21, 2010 at 7:07 PM  
Blogger Kathi the wingspouse said...

One of our friends approached another couple this week and insisted on babysitting for the evening. I didn't know what was up until I heard her say, "you two need time to do what married couples do without kids around." What a wonderful gift she was giving them and after much reluctance they agreed.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if more people did this?

October 22, 2010 at 3:28 PM  
Blogger Behrmans said...

I would like to say 2 thingsā€¦

One is that a lot of women do not enjoy sex. Sex is a very beautiful, joyful, powerful thing for each individual. If you do not enjoy it I really would like offer the idea of getting some books on it, learning new things and exploring this area with your spouse.

The second is that just as much
as we desires love, affection and communicate men desire sex. Sex is not just for men but for women also. I have been thinking about this topic due to inter year coming up and all I can come up with is that it will be a good year to get creative!!! Find that adventurous side of you and make things work for the 2 of you.

October 22, 2010 at 4:32 PM  
Blogger Mina said...

I don't propose that I know the answers...I'm just so happy that I'm not alone. Struggling with two small kids, husband in training and a busy practice myself makes for HUGE stress at times. Finding comfort in common experiences!

November 8, 2010 at 11:52 PM  
Blogger Ankara said...

My husband is a GIM fellow, and he finishes at the end of June. We just got married in July of 2012. We haven't had sex since September - which is when he started studying for his Canadian certification exam. He just completed that a week ago. Though I have been patient since September - things haven't changed post exam. I've tried talking to him - but he quietens up and doesn't know what to say. During the studying he would say that he was under alot of stress. I tried asking a handful of time for some intimacy - but was rejected. I tried to wear lingerie a few times - but he would kiss my cheek and sit next to me like I was his sister.

Now I'm beginning to think this will be my life. Maybe I should just accept it. Not looking forward to our 1 year anniversary, because all it will remind me of will be the 10 months of sexual abstinance.

May 15, 2013 at 12:43 AM  

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