Survivor Saturdays: Doctors Are Doomed From the Start

A recurring theme among members of this blog is the desire to know that marriage-wise, they aren't worse off than anyone else. It goes something like this...

Is it normal to carry the brunt of home responsibilities? Yes
Is it normal not to feel appreciated during residency? Yes
is it normal to question what I've gotten myself into? Yes

Just because everyone else shares these common complaints doesn't mean it's okay. I ran across this article that I thought was worth sharing. It's a bit "scientific" but it makes some good points about the pitfalls of being a doctor and being married to a doctor. In summary, it says that the medical profession requires characteristics that are contrary to what is needed for a healthy marriage. Suicide and drug dependence are common, as are stress and self sacrifice. It takes extraordinary effort to hold things together and we (the wives) may be their best chance of survival.

Before you throw in the towel and head for the door, scan the article and see how truly simple it is to beat the odds of divorce and all the other terrible side-effects. This article gives insight into why doctors are the way they are and what is needed to build a lasting marriage. It begins at home.

Interpersonal intimacy is key to survival. Not only the quality of intimacy, but the QUANTITY. If your spouse is not investing in the relationship during this most critical time, he may be his own worst enemy. There is no better time than the present to encourage him to become more intimate for his own good.

The study also points out that people who go into medicine are used to delayed gratification. Doctors don't see as much of a need for time together right now because they are busy building a better life for the future. They have studied hard, taken on huge amounts of debt, and worked unrealistic hours with the promise that some day it will pay off. You, on the other hand, may need a sign now and again to remind you why you're putting up with all the stress. The very characteristic that makes your spouse a good doctor makes him a bad husband. Understanding that your spouse can't help putting off gratification is a first step in dealing with it.

Emotional detachment is also a necessary skill in medicine and lack of emotional response does not indicate lack of caring. A doctor can't walk into the room of a terminal patient and start crying. It would be disastrous. So when you confront your spouse about the dire state of your marriage, don't expect an emotional meltdown. It won't happen -- even if he's an emotional wreck.

Those of you who are familiar with my wingspouse blog, know that I emphasize the importance of facing all challenges and crises as a team. You are your spouse's best chance for survival, and his best chance for survival is investing in you. What a wonderful interdependence. There is a lot more good stuff in the article, so take a look and don't be shy about discussing it with your spouse.