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Monday, March 30, 2009

Dealing with his 'escape'

I recognize that everyone needs to 'escape' life once in a while--my dad would read the newspaper when he got home from work, my mom would read a good book, etc. I just really have a problem with my hubby's escapes--I don't know if it is the content or the amount of time he spends 'escaping' that he could be spending with me. He checks sports almost every chance he gets to see if a new article has been written and also now plays computer games (which he never did before we were married). What do you all do to be okay with your hubby's escapes? Do you tell yourself something or have you and the hubby found a balance? I just feel like I work hard doing all of the housework, cooking, etc. to lighten his load and to see him spending the time he might of spent folding clothes playing on the computer drives me crazy!

Labels: discussion question, venting

8 Comments:

--Leann-- said...: we kindof have an unwritten agreement. Being a resident is hard. Being a resident's wife/mother of his children is hard.

When he steps through that door, his first priority is to the family. If the boys are up, he spends time with them. If I need a shower, I get to go do that.

He can unwind in the car on the way home or after the children are asleep.

After he takes care of the family, he can tend to his own 'desires.' But family first.; March 30, 2009 at 9:20 AM
Anonymous said...: I have found that for my husband, as he has progressed in his training and his responsibility increases (you know the type of responsibility where he is in charge of those life/death situations instead of being a med student learning about them), his need for "escaping" has increased. He will, however, put that "escape" time after the boys and my needs. When he gets home he plays with them and talks with me for a while (unless he is just beat tired, then he lays on the couch while the boys climb on him and then makes his way to bed after dinner and the boys are in bed so that he can get up and hour or so later and work on his other work duties (research, studying, etc..)
His big escape is watching internet movies and catching up on all the TV he has missed (we no longer can afford a DVR).

I guess my point is that if he is taking care of your family's needs pretty well--spending time some of the week, playing with the kids as often as possible--then he should have his time to himself. He needs to unwind. Even though I am at home and take care of the house or take care of the boys or whatever, there is downtime. I can get on the internet, watch young and the restless everyday, etc...My hubby doesn't get this...He is lucky to eat all day while on his 12+ hour shift. Your hubby probably needs this downtime. Consider how he might be if he doesn't get it...what if he decided being a doctor wasn't for him at this point because he hates how busy/stressful his life is?

Sit down and talk with him empathetically. Discuss your needs and ask him his...y'all can work it out. :)

I hope this doesn't sound accusatory or like a lecture because it was not intended that way at all. I feel your pain..it is hard when they don't have enough time or energy...or when you feel they do--they just choose to use that energy focusing on something else. I just have to tell myself that if I were in their shoes, I would be pretty damn cranky.; March 30, 2009 at 9:32 AM
Alexandra said...: I totally agree. It's hard to give them their break when we have been working all day too. When's our break? I used to say things like, oh you got to have an adult conversation, get out of the house, or how many diapers did you changed jokingly, but realized even joking about it was unfair to him. He is very busy with stressful situations all day and I've watched movies with the kids, played, messed online, and done other things for myself while he has been busy.

Tom always makes sure that he spends time with Grant when he gets home and lets me rest for a bit now that I've been so sick, but sometimes I can tell that Tom really needs his alone/down time right away, and that's not a problem either. It is his hard work that pays for our home, food, clothing and allows me to stay home with the kiddos so I am so thankful for him. My job is to make his home a haven for him to come home to, provide meals, comfort and take care of the kids, and be a helpmate to him, so I'm happy that I can give him a break from his hard day.; March 30, 2009 at 2:50 PM
TheFamousStacie said...: I've been married almost 10 years and I have given up the sports and video game battle.
I am just glad he's home at this point.
He now plays the video games with our 7 year old and considers it bonding time, ... okay
Each night before bed, I go in the room with him and spend a few minutes talking about our days and read scriptures together and pray.
This makes me feel fulfilled.
I then go get the kids ready for bed. And go to bed myself, later.; March 30, 2009 at 11:18 PM
Doc's Girl said...: Oh, dear...this is our biggest source of heated discussions in our house. :(

Although I sympathize with his stress and his chaotic work schedule (60 hours a week lately), I like to remind him that if I didn't exist, he would still need to do the laundry/take out the garbage/dishes/etc. I wish that I could offer you better advice in how to deal with it--maybe get a good girlfriend (or a good therapist) who doesn't mind hearing you vent. :)

I guess it's just hard for me to continually be patient (after 2 and a half years of being patient, I am exhausted)...because I grew up with a dad who helped my mom with EVERYTHING. In fact, he did a majority of the cooking in our house and braided my sister and my hair every morning! (I know, just crazy, huh?)

Hang in there...dream of maids, gardeners, and accountants, like I do... :-D

But, most importantly, ask for help...even if its the hardest thing to do...; March 31, 2009 at 12:37 AM
Amanda said...: I've found the easiest way to deal with my husband's escapes is to find some of my own. He loves video games and reading books. I took up sewing and enjoy reading books in my spare time as well. We belong to a board gaming group that meets once a week. I don't get to play as much because of my son, but I don't mind. I let my husband have his time away, and then some time during the week, I get my time away (either with a girl friend or at my sewing lesson or a moms meetup). When we are together in the evenings, we like to watch TV and movies together and play with our son. We also enjoy having friends over to our house and playing games together. I feel like we sometimes live separate lives, but I also make certain that he takes part in family things, like all of us sitting at the dining room table at dinner and scheduling our son's appointments on his post call days, so he can be with us. I think just doing the little things together helps me feel better about his need for escape.; March 31, 2009 at 2:16 PM
botanybabe said...: thankfully, hubby always does his unwinding (playing video games) "after hours". we will watch TV together,etc. then he will see if i am "content" to do other things and he will play games. i'm not sure how this would change if we had another TV designated to video games...but for now this is how it is. so i can't complain :); April 2, 2009 at 9:48 AM
Anonymous said...: I also had parents who were equal parties and shared in absolutely everything, so becoming a doctor's significant other at first was very unnatural... but although you're worlds apart during work/homecare, you CAN be equal partners during togetherness time. Don't make his time about caring for you, doing things for you, etc., because it's what he's already done all day and what you've already done for the kids or your job.

Find a hobby where the two of you can be next to each other yet equally relax and shed responsibility. Playing a sport or cards, or following a series on DVD (so you can watch and talk about each episode at your leisure) are good activities.; May 6, 2009 at 10:09 AM

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Monday, March 30, 2009

Dealing with his 'escape'

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