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Lives of Doctor Wives: Intro: Marissa K

Monday, April 6, 2009

Intro: Marissa K

Hello! First let me say that this blog has truly been my saving grace. I am so thankful there is a resource out here like this for women who are in relationships with medical students and docs. I have been dating my 4th year medical school boyfriend for 2 ½ years now, and since then I’ve been pining for other women in similar situations to talk to. No one really “gets it” unless they are “in it”, so please know how thankful I am for each of you strong ladies!

I met my boyfriend when he was a 2nd year – he was 23 and I was 27. We fell in love fast and I wanted nothing more than to be with him, and though I felt the relationship itself was wonderful, the circumstances were the most difficult I’d ever endured in any relationship. 2nd year was tough because there is so much studying involved, and my boyfriend wasn’t happy unless he got honors on every exam, so during those intense study periods (which were almost every day!) I was virtually non-existent to him. We barely went on dates, and the ones we had consisted of Chinese take-out in front of the television, or going over flashcards in prep for a test. I had no inkling of how difficult it would all be, and I questioned more than a few times if it was really worth it. After all, I was looking for someone to build a real relationship, and life with. Though the love was there, it certainly wasn’t a 50/50 partnership like I’d been hoping for my entire life. I felt that I was trying very much to be a part of his life, but he couldn’t be part of mine at all. He could rarely come out with my friends, or attend important family functions, weddings, etc. It felt pretty one-sided.

But, with a lot of communication, patience and understanding, we did manage to make it work. When he did get some time off that first summer, in between his 2nd and 3rd year, we finally bonded in ways I had been desiring since we’d met. We took a trip together, had actual dates, and even the minor things that most couples do every day, like errands and cooking, felt gloriously wonderful! I was just excited to be spending time with him in the real world, and away from his textbooks!

We've been through a lot since then. He was by my side when I suffered a life-threatening burst vessel in my brain (I'm 100 percent fine now), and was a tremendous support to me when my father suddenly passed away last year. He truly is my best friend. He’s now in his 4th year, and has just matched at one of the top programs for general surgery in the country. I know he isn’t comfortable with my divulging where (he’s much more private than I am), but it’s in the Midwest, which is where I’m originally from (we currently live together in New York – his hometown).

Though we are not engaged, I do plan on going with him if we can work out some pertinent issues that are currently plaguing us. The problems are indirectly related to residency, but really more“life” stuff, and are unfortunately make-or-break. I am hoping some compromises can be made, because the love is there (stronger than ever) and I don’t want all the hard work we’ve put into this relationship to be for nothing. I want to accompany him on this journey (as well as make it my own journey too—I can’t wait to start life anew, and enjoy new adventures!), and though I know it will be tough at times due to his line of work and the fact that our future family, and my needs/goals, will probably always come second, I do want to build a future with him. Time will tell how the future will unfold, but regardless, I am very proud of him, and all he has accomplished thus far on his medical path.



Blogger Married to a med student - Marissa Nicole said...

Welcome - its nice to meet you! What do you do for a living? Any hobbies or anything that keep you busy when you are away from your medical student (soon to be resident!)?

April 6, 2009 at 5:15 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I just want to say "Good luck!". I hope you're able to make it work. It does take some sacrificing from both partners in the relationship, but it's all worth it in the end!

April 6, 2009 at 5:24 PM  
Blogger Marissa said...

Thanks for the welcome!

Marissa Nicole: I am a writer, so that keeps me pretty occupied. But I am definitely going to work a fulltime job in addition to my freelance work when we move for his residency. I also love dancing, yoga and really anything to do with fitness. I think I'll wind up spending a lot of my time in those kinds of classes, and hopefully meet some fun friends there.

Amanda: Thanks so much! I hope it all works out too. I know how fulfilling this relationship can be, so I am praying we can figure it all out.

April 6, 2009 at 5:41 PM  
Blogger Tasha said...

Welcome and congrats on his match. I'm sure it has been hard (I wouldn't know what to do without this blog either), but it sounds like after what you've been through, there's nothing you can't do. It is hard when you feel like your needs aren't met, but don't forget those goals! I don't know the details, but you're clearly a strong woman and those goals are probably achievable. I think that for residency you may feel that you and family comes second, but keep in mind that the residency program practically owns him: though I'm sure he enjoys surgery, he'll be missing you and wishing he was spending time with you. He won't always be at the hospital by choice, but if you can hang in there for residency, I'm sure it will get much better when he's practicing because he can make his own choices rather than letting his employer force choices on him. You can do it!

April 6, 2009 at 9:34 PM  
Blogger Melisa said...

Welcome! So glad to have you on here! :o)

My daily trips to the gym have kept me sane. That and blogging. :o) I'm becoming a yoga addict. haha! I'm in kettlebell now too. Have you tried it? It can be brutal. I thought they'd have to wheel me out after my first class.

April 6, 2009 at 9:53 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Welcome! :) Glad you are here. I hope everything works out. I'm sure it will - you sound strong. I know what my "dealbreakers" are and I've stuck with them in past relationships, and put my foot down in this one, too. . . Hope it all works out! :)

April 6, 2009 at 11:14 PM  
Blogger Married to a med student - Marissa Nicole said...

It took me a second to realize that you were the same person who also wrote the article that someone recently posted on the blog!

I am relatively new fan of yoga - I do ashtunga (I am sure I spelled that wrong).

But again welcome!

April 7, 2009 at 1:59 PM  

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