Intro: Marissa K

Hello! First let me say that this blog has truly been my saving grace. I am so thankful there is a resource out here like this for women who are in relationships with medical students and docs. I have been dating my 4th year medical school boyfriend for 2 ½ years now, and since then I’ve been pining for other women in similar situations to talk to. No one really “gets it” unless they are “in it”, so please know how thankful I am for each of you strong ladies!

I met my boyfriend when he was a 2nd year – he was 23 and I was 27. We fell in love fast and I wanted nothing more than to be with him, and though I felt the relationship itself was wonderful, the circumstances were the most difficult I’d ever endured in any relationship. 2nd year was tough because there is so much studying involved, and my boyfriend wasn’t happy unless he got honors on every exam, so during those intense study periods (which were almost every day!) I was virtually non-existent to him. We barely went on dates, and the ones we had consisted of Chinese take-out in front of the television, or going over flashcards in prep for a test. I had no inkling of how difficult it would all be, and I questioned more than a few times if it was really worth it. After all, I was looking for someone to build a real relationship, and life with. Though the love was there, it certainly wasn’t a 50/50 partnership like I’d been hoping for my entire life. I felt that I was trying very much to be a part of his life, but he couldn’t be part of mine at all. He could rarely come out with my friends, or attend important family functions, weddings, etc. It felt pretty one-sided.

But, with a lot of communication, patience and understanding, we did manage to make it work. When he did get some time off that first summer, in between his 2nd and 3rd year, we finally bonded in ways I had been desiring since we’d met. We took a trip together, had actual dates, and even the minor things that most couples do every day, like errands and cooking, felt gloriously wonderful! I was just excited to be spending time with him in the real world, and away from his textbooks!

We've been through a lot since then. He was by my side when I suffered a life-threatening burst vessel in my brain (I'm 100 percent fine now), and was a tremendous support to me when my father suddenly passed away last year. He truly is my best friend. He’s now in his 4th year, and has just matched at one of the top programs for general surgery in the country. I know he isn’t comfortable with my divulging where (he’s much more private than I am), but it’s in the Midwest, which is where I’m originally from (we currently live together in New York – his hometown).

Though we are not engaged, I do plan on going with him if we can work out some pertinent issues that are currently plaguing us. The problems are indirectly related to residency, but really more“life” stuff, and are unfortunately make-or-break. I am hoping some compromises can be made, because the love is there (stronger than ever) and I don’t want all the hard work we’ve put into this relationship to be for nothing. I want to accompany him on this journey (as well as make it my own journey too—I can’t wait to start life anew, and enjoy new adventures!), and though I know it will be tough at times due to his line of work and the fact that our future family, and my needs/goals, will probably always come second, I do want to build a future with him. Time will tell how the future will unfold, but regardless, I am very proud of him, and all he has accomplished thus far on his medical path.